I may not see it, but I have grown... slightly. The thing with Ihsan is just a blip.
Please don't waste your time reading this, I'm blogging it for myself. I get tired of trawling my emails.
I'm just glad Gups (Gulam Abbas) has agreed to be my spirit guide. I need the support :)
****
It's really late and not sure what I've written - ignore typos... etc...
Wah bhai,
You and Immo are so in tune that you have sicknesses simultaneously... your energies are merging... ooooh..... your biorhythms are in sync..... true love... SIGH!
I shall get you hooked on this website: I SHALL!
http://www.facade.com/
Before I forget: http://www.chakraenergy.com/system.html
Apparently, all I have to do is do eye rolls to make my intuition better. *rolls eyes again and again*
Nah, still can't read minds. Still can't read the future. Still can't tell what's going to happen tomorrow....
Oh, and please tell me where I'm going to get: Eat violet foods and consume violet beverages. *rolls eyes again and again - hey, I'm getting better at it - I can see you naked!*
I had a dream a month or so ago about getting a Malachite crystal for my heart chakra. Remind me I have to get it. I already got Rose Quartz, Angelite and Citirine and Amethyst at one of those fairs I went to. Expensive, but they "called to me" *zombie-like glazed stare*
Dearest Taz,
As usual, lazy ass Sukaina will read your email three or four times... before responding to everything... yaar, itni lumbi?!
Just four things (just? only? I think there will be more things, I feel like writing now):
1) I finally sat my butt down and did an audio meditation. Remember the Chakra Meditation Apa gave us, the 30 minute New Age shitty one? That one. Just told myself, stop FB stalking and just do it! Haven't touched it since I left Khi - and there's a vast difference. I cannot believe the deep canyon I've crawled out of, by the love and Grade and guidance of Allah - not God, but ALLAH! I do wish I had never experienced it. Hell. But... without it, I wouldn't have done the spiritual thang. But it was hell.
And now, as you said, I feel free. Open. ME. (well, Me-ish) Apaprently, my third chakra has opened - so much keh bharta nahi hai.. nom nomh nom chomp chomp chomp (got some more cookies for me today :p)
2) That water thing at the end makes me wanna pee.... and while I was listening to that, and trying to know who "I really AM" (bahahahaha bullshit crap!) - what image rises before my eye? Little Tazeen and little Hareem tonguing each other......and I BURST INTO LAUGHTER!!!
YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER!!!!!!!
Meri meditations kharaab kar deyti ho! Second time already! Arghhh..... fixation, fixation, fixation!
3) I think I understand you want me to take my own life journey and I can't force you to tell me what you know and what you see me doing. Every time you did, I've listened but haven't accepted in my heart. I know that. Yaar, I'm dumb at this, I'm new at this, I finally have gotten over my blocks to this way of thinking and feeling after 26 years of being in the darkness.
Been meaning to send you this song: I relate to it, and I feel you will be able to relate to it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIZ0f0ULVew
I'm WAY too impatient!
So, I have a suggestion - feel free to refuse :)
Sidra keeps telling me "Rejection isn't personal, it is the other person's right to refuse" and I think "NO, IT IS NOT! THEY MUST BOW DOWN TO MY WILL AND MIGHT because I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!!! Muhahahaha
"
How about, when you feel my emotions (how cool is that? When will IIIIIIII do that freaky-shit?!) you send me an email (IF YOU WANT TO), and when I feel the intuitive urge/compulsion to open the email, I will and it will be the right time and place and blah blah. You know me, I'm theoretical. I need a manual. I also feel like finally, mysterious and mystical and synchronous things are happening... Sidra.... definitely -
How did you hear about her?
But then my head is always in the clouds and I expect earths to move and winds to whisper and pops and bangs to happen every day. They were happening for so many days before...
So today is a disappointing day ;)
Why did I just rush to the horoscopes which I hadn't touched in months, the minute this relationship shit happened? I needed a happy ending. I needed "facts". Still do. You will be verrrry happy to know that for the past three days (and for the foreseeable future), i ahve looked at the horoscope and there's not been a single LOVE prediction.... LOL.
4) The end of the affair.....
Hmmm. So I was "listening" to him. I sent an email the day after the FB chat - telling him I advice to give him if he wanted it. Told him to meditate, pray, read the Emerson essay and trust his instincts about the girl. He wrote back saying he had already made his decision, to make his mother happy, which makes God happy. That it was better that way... also said:
I am sorry i was being insensitive to your feelings in telling you my issue of the day and didn’t take in to consideration your personal problems. From now on i am your pen-pal, meaning i will be willing and will reply to any emails you send. In fact i will email you daily Inshallah! (no strings attached on your end)
Then I wrote him a LONG email, dumping on him a little (Sidra told me I kept doing that) about my experience with the Irani guy (mut'ah and fake engagement) and the three things I learned (Sidra had to point out to me) which were:
1) Trust your gut/intuition/inner voice
2) The parents are sometimes (I'd say usually) wrong
3) Communicate your truth (to the girl, to your mother, to God, to yourself)
Tuesday, he sends me a random email about how he doesn't know the girl, but has this sadness about him as though he's LOST her. *imagine my heart! That's how I felt about him!* About how he had to move on and never forget the past... OUCH! Was quite poetic actually....sigh... anyway.... he also asked em what I was doing that day.
I couldn't believe he could just make and stick to a decision like that (this is before it dawned on me today that he's a Rational - most probably an ENTJ - but never an NF - NEVER!) especially since I "felt" that he really liked this girl and thought she was "the one". Yaar, he told his mother after just two weeks. And me? The mother doesn't even know I exist - I KNOW THAT MUCH!
I was only worth a text. Ta ta, fuck off.
Rant over.
Anyway, Thursday, 11/11 (according to New Age people, this is an important date - WHATEVER!)
I wrote back saying it's a cop out, decisions can be changed or alternatives sought out. Told him what I did the day before: used new vaccuum cleaner, went to the cemetery...which reminded me I have to make a will. And now I can't go running into traffic, because they will be scraping my innards from the road and I can't donate my organs :p
I was in a blah, FTW mood and didn't want to comment on his stupid, boring will, so I sent him Any Given Time by Outlandish. I LOVE THE LYRICS and the SONG - how can any band be so talented, mA! I LOVE THEM!
He wrote back:
HUMPH! Became even grumpier..... (BTW, is it cold enough yet in Khi to wear those pink socks again?!)
Wrote:
He wrote:
Well.......
First I laughed at the cat-feeding comment - funny! Then I thought.... HUH? If I don't like him? paagal hai kya? Why the hell would I waste my time looking up horoscopes and cousnelling him and emailing him if I didn't like him? Andha hai kya?
Then, I was compelled (I'm going to say it was my intuition, you can say it was my stupidity and impulsiveness and my lack of self-love and my emptiness....) to write him the truth. Enough was enough. Also, I thought: he's putting himself on the line here, he's making himself vulnerable, he's still interested, and since I prdie myself on being honest and truthful...
Hmmmm. Oh well, joh huwa soh huwa.
This is my email take a HUGE nap before you read it - It's the longest-freakish-assed email I ever wrote to him.... Ufff.... I am such a melodramatic EMO DIVA!
Subject: Keep your cojones handy...
Taz, I am sorry for invading your privacy in the email..... buss, main barri munh phaat huun :( Argh.
So he wrote some offlines on Yahoo Messenger:
Imran Lakha (23:43): I got your message
And next day, Friday, 10 AM, this is what he writes:
Since then: I sent him another email... (just in case it's not clear to you (lol) I am dumping on him AGAIN! Appealing to pity... arghhh.... why can't I stop myself and only see these things in hindsight???)
As for the mosques, there are two that I know of in South London. One is Hyderi Khojaland, the link you sent me, the other is: http://www.idara-e-jaaferiya.org.uk/ - that's in Tooting Broadway and I think it's Pakistani run.
I've heard they are extremely bad at time-keeping there, even worse than at Hyderi. You planning on going for Eid salaat there? Have you already arranged for the camel steaks to be delivered to the kitty cats in Stanmore? Lol. If you haven't, you'd better get on it pronto!
One more thing: I know you must have gotten the not-so-subtle hint, but since I am still really upset about this, I am once more referring to it:
Please acknowledge and communicate with the other girl if she calls or texts you again. Or at least please consider taking the initative and explaining why you've ignored her calls and texts. You have enough inner wisdom to handle the situation in a way that maintains the dignities of both parties. God knows how she's interpreting the entire situation.
I like the FB status you put up on Thursday night. I won't interpret anything by it (although I'd like to - lol!) You made it up yourself, didja? Impressive! Looks like you haven't quite sold your soul to Devil...yet. Lol.
Hope you had a good weekend. My Saturday was pretty good. I got out of the house at least, went to the ICL for the SPL event. Was on a choclalte high though, drove the people there crazy. Bought a really nice poetry book called Contemplate. Might quote a few lines some day.
I managed to miss my JobCentre appointment on Friday. More subconscious self-sabotage, but they gave me an appointment on Monday. Which is tomorrow. Ugh.
Well, I pray you have a great week. One of us should. Just kidding, I plan on having an awesome week!!! :)
Talk soon,
Sukaina
P.S. I was misinformed. Apparently, meh isn't solely a Canadian expression. They've used it in The Simpsons. If there was ever a reason for me to stop using it, there it is.
P.P.S. Oh yes. http://www.youmeworks.com/self_reliance_translated.html . I mean it.
P.P.P.S. My dad went and locked me out of the house yesterday. I came back from the SPL event around 7:45pm but sat outside in the garden because I just didn't want to go in and interact with my dad just then. I heard him bolt one of the locks around 8:00 and ignored it, then at 8:30 he bolts all three locks. I then obviously had to ring the bell. And this isn't even the first time he's done that to me in the past seven months.
Whose father does that? It was 8:30pm. I've come home at 11pm a few times. I don't even know what he was trying to prove and am not getting into it with him. He has the PMT as well, I'm sure. Lol.
I need to move out. Yeah, Sukaina, keep dreaming. Well, I'd better pray he doesn't kick me out. I cannot afford to go back to Pakistan again. Not. Happening. I've kept the numbers of a few women's shelters in my wallet, my friend advised me to do so.
~~~~
No response. Obviously.
And everytime I see him online, I always say hi to him, try to talk to him.
I am another stalker in his long line of stalkers - he actually is going to/ or has already changed his phone number because he told me there were too many people getting hold of his number and calling and texting him. Why does someone get so popular?
Why don't I HAVE ANY STALKERS?!?!?!?!?! Lol. I'm sure it's annoying...but I want to be wanted... argh..... I am whole and complete and forgive myself for ever having fallen in love....tap, tap, tap, tap
Then, I caught him the day before Eid and told him I wanted an Eid card because he didn't send me one last Eid when he made one for his friends and family and conveniently forgot to send me the same e-card. (I thought he'd "come back to me" so was being overly free with him.) He told me he would send me a Moonpig card. But the internet connection was bad so we weren't getting each other's messages proeprly and miscommunciation again.
SIGN. I KNOW.
Then yesterday, I said Salaam on chat and he straight away went offline. His FB status: Today is a terrible day.....
Well, he's broken his promise about emailing me every day. And I would say OK, but this time, he himself offered.... or was it out of guilt because I kept telling him I felt like walking into traffic.... ahh.... of course. Subtle manipulations at play.
FUCK.
OK. TAZEEN. MY DEAR ONE.
I NEED YOUR WISDOM.
ALTHOUGH IT BECAME CLEAR TO ME LAST NIGHT AS I WAS JOURNALING AND DRAWING MY MANDALA: IT IS OVER. HE'S NOT THE ONE.
I AM NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP IF I ACT LIKE SUCH A LOSER, CREEPY, CLINGY, WEIRDO. IT REALLY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD. For me or for him.
Three months of my life. Poof. Craziness. Obssession. Stress. What I thought was love. What I thought was connection. Who I thought was my Soul Mate/Life Partner (did you ever figure out what the difference is? i've tried... adn I've Googled - and nothing....)
And still no resolution....
I feel like such a TWAT. TWAT. LAFUNGI. It's all ME.
One more thing: please give me a pity laugh
Saturday, 20 November, 2010
You are not kidding, thou kiddeth me not.....
Suki
Please don't waste your time reading this, I'm blogging it for myself. I get tired of trawling my emails.
I'm just glad Gups (Gulam Abbas) has agreed to be my spirit guide. I need the support :)
****
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Sukaina Juma
To: Tazeen Mohsin
Sent: Saturday, 20 November 2010, 23:16
Subject: Part 1 of Re: Sniff sniff *aaachooo*
From: Sukaina Juma
To: Tazeen Mohsin
Sent: Saturday, 20 November 2010, 23:16
Subject: Part 1 of Re: Sniff sniff *aaachooo*
It's really late and not sure what I've written - ignore typos... etc...
Wah bhai,
You and Immo are so in tune that you have sicknesses simultaneously... your energies are merging... ooooh..... your biorhythms are in sync..... true love... SIGH!
I shall get you hooked on this website: I SHALL!
http://www.facade.com/
Before I forget: http://www.chakraenergy.com/system.html
Apparently, all I have to do is do eye rolls to make my intuition better. *rolls eyes again and again*
Nah, still can't read minds. Still can't read the future. Still can't tell what's going to happen tomorrow....
Oh, and please tell me where I'm going to get: Eat violet foods and consume violet beverages. *rolls eyes again and again - hey, I'm getting better at it - I can see you naked!*
I had a dream a month or so ago about getting a Malachite crystal for my heart chakra. Remind me I have to get it. I already got Rose Quartz, Angelite and Citirine and Amethyst at one of those fairs I went to. Expensive, but they "called to me" *zombie-like glazed stare*
Dearest Taz,
As usual, lazy ass Sukaina will read your email three or four times... before responding to everything... yaar, itni lumbi?!
Just four things (just? only? I think there will be more things, I feel like writing now):
1) I finally sat my butt down and did an audio meditation. Remember the Chakra Meditation Apa gave us, the 30 minute New Age shitty one? That one. Just told myself, stop FB stalking and just do it! Haven't touched it since I left Khi - and there's a vast difference. I cannot believe the deep canyon I've crawled out of, by the love and Grade and guidance of Allah - not God, but ALLAH! I do wish I had never experienced it. Hell. But... without it, I wouldn't have done the spiritual thang. But it was hell.
And now, as you said, I feel free. Open. ME. (well, Me-ish) Apaprently, my third chakra has opened - so much keh bharta nahi hai.. nom nomh nom chomp chomp chomp (got some more cookies for me today :p)
2) That water thing at the end makes me wanna pee.... and while I was listening to that, and trying to know who "I really AM" (bahahahaha bullshit crap!) - what image rises before my eye? Little Tazeen and little Hareem tonguing each other......and I BURST INTO LAUGHTER!!!
YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER!!!!!!!
Meri meditations kharaab kar deyti ho! Second time already! Arghhh..... fixation, fixation, fixation!
3) I think I understand you want me to take my own life journey and I can't force you to tell me what you know and what you see me doing. Every time you did, I've listened but haven't accepted in my heart. I know that. Yaar, I'm dumb at this, I'm new at this, I finally have gotten over my blocks to this way of thinking and feeling after 26 years of being in the darkness.
Been meaning to send you this song: I relate to it, and I feel you will be able to relate to it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIZ0f0ULVew
I'm WAY too impatient!
So, I have a suggestion - feel free to refuse :)
Sidra keeps telling me "Rejection isn't personal, it is the other person's right to refuse" and I think "NO, IT IS NOT! THEY MUST BOW DOWN TO MY WILL AND MIGHT because I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!!! Muhahahaha
"How about, when you feel my emotions (how cool is that? When will IIIIIIII do that freaky-shit?!) you send me an email (IF YOU WANT TO), and when I feel the intuitive urge/compulsion to open the email, I will and it will be the right time and place and blah blah. You know me, I'm theoretical. I need a manual. I also feel like finally, mysterious and mystical and synchronous things are happening... Sidra.... definitely -
How did you hear about her?
But then my head is always in the clouds and I expect earths to move and winds to whisper and pops and bangs to happen every day. They were happening for so many days before...
So today is a disappointing day ;)
Why did I just rush to the horoscopes which I hadn't touched in months, the minute this relationship shit happened? I needed a happy ending. I needed "facts". Still do. You will be verrrry happy to know that for the past three days (and for the foreseeable future), i ahve looked at the horoscope and there's not been a single LOVE prediction.... LOL.
4) The end of the affair.....
Hmmm. So I was "listening" to him. I sent an email the day after the FB chat - telling him I advice to give him if he wanted it. Told him to meditate, pray, read the Emerson essay and trust his instincts about the girl. He wrote back saying he had already made his decision, to make his mother happy, which makes God happy. That it was better that way... also said:
I am sorry i was being insensitive to your feelings in telling you my issue of the day and didn’t take in to consideration your personal problems. From now on i am your pen-pal, meaning i will be willing and will reply to any emails you send. In fact i will email you daily Inshallah! (no strings attached on your end)
Then I wrote him a LONG email, dumping on him a little (Sidra told me I kept doing that) about my experience with the Irani guy (mut'ah and fake engagement) and the three things I learned (Sidra had to point out to me) which were:
1) Trust your gut/intuition/inner voice
2) The parents are sometimes (I'd say usually) wrong
3) Communicate your truth (to the girl, to your mother, to God, to yourself)
Tuesday, he sends me a random email about how he doesn't know the girl, but has this sadness about him as though he's LOST her. *imagine my heart! That's how I felt about him!* About how he had to move on and never forget the past... OUCH! Was quite poetic actually....sigh... anyway.... he also asked em what I was doing that day.
I couldn't believe he could just make and stick to a decision like that (this is before it dawned on me today that he's a Rational - most probably an ENTJ - but never an NF - NEVER!) especially since I "felt" that he really liked this girl and thought she was "the one". Yaar, he told his mother after just two weeks. And me? The mother doesn't even know I exist - I KNOW THAT MUCH!
I was only worth a text. Ta ta, fuck off.
Rant over.
Anyway, Thursday, 11/11 (according to New Age people, this is an important date - WHATEVER!)
I wrote back saying it's a cop out, decisions can be changed or alternatives sought out. Told him what I did the day before: used new vaccuum cleaner, went to the cemetery...which reminded me I have to make a will. And now I can't go running into traffic, because they will be scraping my innards from the road and I can't donate my organs :p
Wa Alaiykum Salaam Sukaina,
Your email was very disturbing to the end.... L scrapping the innards... YUK! Lol.
As for your suggestion and assumption that i copped out!!! Which i found very amusing, i must add that i dont like to look for alternatives... If i like something i go for it, i am right, irrespective of the pain or inconvinience it causes... however if i decide to change it would be out of choice... A vicious cycle!!!
You know as i wrote the previous email and sent it to you, this “unknown emotion” vanished, literally!! I have not thought about the issue or the girl since i received your email, however i have had the occassional call from the girl, but mehhhh i ignored it!! I dont have a reason to answer or pursue her...
Moving along swiftly, you have a new hoover, nice!!! J
You dont have a will? Neither do i... I think my will start with the following:
(It's BORING)
What do you think? Simple and Straight to the point...
Ws, Imran
I was in a blah, FTW mood and didn't want to comment on his stupid, boring will, so I sent him Any Given Time by Outlandish. I LOVE THE LYRICS and the SONG - how can any band be so talented, mA! I LOVE THEM!
He wrote back:
Nice tune! Im guessing you’re killing time atm.
You know when you mentioned on FB chat about having a connection with me, what did you mean?
Something to think about for today.
Ws, Imran.
HUMPH! Became even grumpier..... (BTW, is it cold enough yet in Khi to wear those pink socks again?!)
Wrote:
Nice tune! Im guessing you’re killing time atm.
Time cannot be killed; only utilised in ways that can be seen as more or less useful. I don't want to go outside, then I will have to wear a poppy (which I don't see why I should be forced to if I don't want to) and then the chavs will tell the Paki to go back to her country.
Have cold. Have SAD. Am sad. Avoiding traffic-filled areas. Am being a parasitical scrounger. Am looking for jobs before I meet v good looking Vimal (my new JobCentre Disability advisor man-boy) tomorrow. Reminds me a little of Jay Sean. hahaha. Has Psych degree, has been a Samaritan, is pplanning on taking up yoga.... Is sadly engaged.
Am hoovering (can't you hear the non-existent humming in the background while both hands are typing???).
Am BE-ING, so you can eat my shorts! (Bart Simpson)
Anyway, I'm teaching right now. Now sit your butt down and learn! And, by the by, "nice" does not cut it with Outlandish. They are word artisans with heart and Soul. So come up with a better adjective.
You know when you mentioned on FB chat about having a connection with me, what did you mean?
It means what it says on the tin.
Something to think about for today.
Thinking's for wimps. I'd rather meditate. Peer into the depths... arrrrrrr (that's Pirate (English) speak for see down below.)
Now quit bugging me and pretend that they actually pay you to do something at job of yours at Cisco.
Such a long, impressive title and all he does is email random individuals and listen to kick-ass music by one of the greatest bands to ever grace this planet. They had a concert a few weeks ago. Obviously, I couldn't go. But how I wish...
It's a year since you've been at this job, right? Is it your first "adult" (yeah, right!) one? Are they gonna throw you a party and feed you cake?
And come up with a subject heading. Since you're such a fan of thinking.
And who is Rukhsana Ahad and why did she FB poke me???????????????????
Sukaina
Ws, Imran.
He wrote:
Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s that for Cojones? Sorry anger doesn’t suit me, I’m a placid individual....
They do pay me, but i do have the opportunity to be distracted from time to time. I bring this company a million pounds a year, which might i add is a considerable amount compared to my peers. Which means i have lunch at my desk, because socialising with these buffoons saves me the knack of being nice. I don’t do petty talk, i am a straight talker!!! We’ll i like to be...
Rukhsana is a girl i know from University, hence the reason i ignored your first mention of her... I would ignore her as you do with everyone who is insignificant, personally i do the same thing to a lot of people. You are of the lucky ones, who i can tolerate and actually enjoy spending time with.... so stop being peculiar and meet me? J yeah??
If you don’t like me, have no fear.... I don’t bite and i won’t make it hard for you... What do you say???
Well.......
First I laughed at the cat-feeding comment - funny! Then I thought.... HUH? If I don't like him? paagal hai kya? Why the hell would I waste my time looking up horoscopes and cousnelling him and emailing him if I didn't like him? Andha hai kya?
Then, I was compelled (I'm going to say it was my intuition, you can say it was my stupidity and impulsiveness and my lack of self-love and my emptiness....) to write him the truth. Enough was enough. Also, I thought: he's putting himself on the line here, he's making himself vulnerable, he's still interested, and since I prdie myself on being honest and truthful...
Hmmmm. Oh well, joh huwa soh huwa.
This is my email take a HUGE nap before you read it - It's the longest-freakish-assed email I ever wrote to him.... Ufff.... I am such a melodramatic EMO DIVA!
Subject: Keep your cojones handy...
(Disclaimer: the email written below is written in a spirit of interchanging moods: bemusement, a little snappity-snap (because I'm like that, as I feel I have been yo-yo'd and seriously misunderstood and maltreated as previously mentioned), deadpan humour, a touch of... "Is this guy serious? Is he really that thick? Answer: Yes!", but also with a touch of indulgent chuckling... "Ahhhh, and the man-boy strikes again!")
Anger? You've got to be joking! Seriously... Anger? Anger? Anger? (x100)
Just because I didn't feel like putting all those smileys and lols and lmaos and *wink wink nudge nudge*, you - once again - assume something about me that is as far from the truth as it could be.
Why would I put them in anyway? Mr Impervious Irishman and Ms. "Ukhti" (yes, I noticed) are just "friends", I still have a constant need for dialogue (more now than ever previously imagined), you have attachment issues, I have abandonment issues, there's a million and one things you have point blank ignored and have not explained, despite my requests for you to explain your brusque, abrupt behaviour. You went and forged ahead with the next conquest, what, the very next day you dumped me? And then have the... for lack of a word, _______ to go and tell me about how you're sad because Mama said No and that was it. And then what do you say about the poor girl? .You know as i wrote the previous email and sent it to you, this “unknown emotion” vanished, literally!! I have not thought about the issue or the girl since i received your email, however i have had the occassional call from the girl, but mehhhh i ignored it!! I dont have a reason to answer or pursue her... . That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH (stop using that, it's only for privileged Canadians to use. You are defo not one of us, mate.) AND NOT EVEN RESPONDING AFTER ACTING LIKE AN IMPULSIVE, PREMATURE EJACULATING DICKHEAD by buying her dinner, paying for her fares and getting her a cheesy rose on each date, you're so on the bottom pile of fuel in the seventh pit of hell - alongwith.... Hitler. And... Saddam. (OK, slightly miffed here, emphasis on slightly)....
You know what you are? You are a premature ejaculator. There. I said it. Again. Ouch.
I was being witty, blasé and deadpan in the previous email. You remember what that type of humour entails, right? You being the frequent user of such humour yourself. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol lmao :) ;)
(Is that enough, or do I have to put in even more? Assume that they are sprinkled after every line in this email.... I don't have the patience to do it manually.)
Just trying to speak in your language. Apparently, that's the way I flirt. So, sue me.
You only pretend you don't do anger. You're passive-aggressive. Mr Jekyll-Hyde. You suffer from permanent Pre-MAN-strual Tension (lol, my open relationship friend Sobia Ali came up with that one!). I don't usually use this word flippantly, after all, I am a fierce advocate again mental health name-calling, but I will say you've even acted bipolar.
Everyone has anger. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I've done the suppression and the passive-aggression in the past, now I'm in a phase of finding it hard to control it - it is symptomatic of the depression. Freud (yes, we shall never be rid of him now, thanks to you, Irish) said that depression is anger turned inwards and he's got the right idea. I am completely aware of it and am working on it. The way I am working though my trust issues, solely for your sake.
I haven't told you, but after you dumped me the first time on 3rd October 2010 at... ok, well I've lost my mobile, so I can't refer to the time, I think it was 11ish..... my life has been HELL. Insomnia. Death by chocolate. Loads of leaking, until there was no more leaking to take place. So I'd drink water or my hippie, herbal tea and start all over again, listening to SAD FM constantly and posting Youtube vids on my FB and then deleting them. Watch the Jewel one called Foolish Games (right at the bottom, funnily enough, there are a lot of angry love songs). Foolish games. So apt. So many emails in my draft folder and texts in my Drafts file (well, no longer - phone is gone) and my not sending them because my friend told me you hadn't shown yourself worthy of that kind of honestly, you weren't reciprocating. And, luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right.
Fantasies about running into traffic (OK, a little bit OTT, the running into traffic is part of the depression, not you - don't worry, I'm not trying to manipulate you into guilt here. It's in control, for now.) But you didn't help, for someone who sees himself as kind and patient and understanding about depression.
I've even started EFT and counselling and anger management and other weird stuff to try and get over you, or try to reconcile with you. Which worked on the 14th of October 2010 when we had the FB chat (yes, I have saved them all).
And so I say in the text on Monday, 18th October 2010 at 11pm, you owe me an email explaining how you feel I'm messing you about.
Why? Why would I ask you to share that? Because I find it important to get through all the miscommunication.
This is why I was telling you to get advice from your older sister. I don't know her at all, but she likes cats, and I have this idea that if you told her how you've handled this toward the end.... she'd call you an immature man-boy, too. Just a hunch. Like I said, don't know her.
Strong medicine, but I'm not going to mince words in such an important email. (Plus, I still haven't had my cat nap and I've just vaccuumed the entire house, so am slightly grumpy, emphasis on slightly).
I keep getting hurt. You can be extremely tactless most of the time. It's painful. You haven't quite persuaded me yet that not all men are neanderthals. Hypothetical social scenarios, all done from your high perch observing the world, telling me stuff but not explaining, acting like such a kid sometimes....and making me feel as though I was unworthy, defective, not good enough. Not worth enough effort to call me in the daylight hours and allow me to explain. A midnight text was all I was worth.
You gotta step up and start explaining things. I've been willing to do it; you, not so much. Admit that much.
"If you don't like me, have no fear..."
Stumped me the third time. Record, I think.
Me not like you. Right.
I take out everyone's I-Ching and email it to them. I'm willing to act like a complete MORON and counsel someone who's taken me through the shredder three times and I'm still acting like the Awesome Compassionate Healer and telling him to take a stand and think it over. With a girl who is, essentially, my competition.
I'm going against the "bloody istekhara" result. Against my dear mother's wishes. Considering I was willing to make a completely incompatible marriage to an Ayatollah's son based on one of those. (Did you even read all that yet?)
I hate how possessive and weirdly tolerant I have become regarding this person i.e. you.
I neither like it nor do I understand it. It just is. It won't go away. I tell it Scat! and it looks at me and goes No way, José. You are stuck with this.
Caring for someone,
The list goes on and on...... I cannot believe you are forcing me to spell all of this out.
Look at my FB friends list. 54 people I think are worth keeping on it; well I would cut 10-15 of them off, but either I'm related to them or they keep adding me after I've deleted them so I've just given up. I shall delete them sneakily at a later date - muhahaha!
I only have one male friend in this world. One. His name is Umair Alam and I've known him since grade 5. He's an idiot. I used to have a crush on him three eyars ago. At least he talks and replies to emails. I'm not comparing the two of you. What I'm saying is: you are (potentially, "still under review") the second friend. That's it. That's a huge deal for someone who is painfully shy and has major problems with the male population in general. The other peeps on my list are cousins.
I'd add Sharif Sherriff (on your list, my second cousin) but I have never actually spoken to him beyond "Salaam" at family weddings and when I, on the rare occassion, visit his mother.
All my friends have gotten fed up me talking about you, whinging about you... blah blah blah.... Especially my best friend, and that's really funny, because her boyfriend's (and hopefully soon-to-be husband once her stupid parents get a clue that after 10 years, you just gotta let the kids do the halal thing) name is Imran too Talk about weird.
Point is, put yourself in someone else's shoes for two seconds.
You're the Londoner. I'm not. I've jsut moved back here six months ago. I'm still adjusting to the weather, the currency, the accents, the imbecility - hahaha.
Two different worlds. Two different perspectives.
There will be a lot of adjustment issues, and we both have to realise that, accept it, and work through it.
If we deem it worthwhile the effort and time and patience and hissy fits and diva-like tantrums (both yours and mine). And overcome the fears of being stuck in a marriage like our respective parents and having to divroce later on.
Because, trust me, I would divorce. I shall never become a victim to male abuse, be it physical, verbal, mental, emotional or other...
I've just gotten out of four miserable years of severe (emphasis on severe) depression. I wasn't able to get out of bed March of this year. I wasn't able to formulate a sentence, verbal or written in February. I've had hallucinations, OCD - the works.
You come out of nowhere and I say Yes to the Universe. Fair enough.
You say your friend had depression and you saw what it did, you say you're a patient individual, but I don't really see that.....
Why was I even on SS if I'm not ready to marry just yet? Because a friend told me, "if you're planning on marrying 5 years from now, you'd better start looking because it takes that long". So I went along with it. I do know I have an expiry date; a shelf life. I'm 26-and-a-half solar, 27-and-a-half lunar.
Wasn't expecting anyone to contact me on SS, especially after the bloke on Shiamactch called me a devil ... muhahahaha! Oh remind me to send you that chat... )
The depression, the lack of desire to have children, the fact that I'm unemployed and have never worked (well, apart from Wimbledon, but that came later on - I'm done, btw, got paid my first installment), And a month later, you message me. I didn't think anything of it. And then three weeks later, it was a completely different story.
I wrote in my original SS profile that I wasn't looking to get married for another 2-3 years. Right? But having met you and all the craziness that has happened and all the inner demons that have flared up inside of me, I know that I can't meet with you right now. I'm not ready. I'm such a five-year old kid in my head. I keep building things up way out of proportion and flaking out. I told you I was going way out of my comfort zone. Why would the diva do that? Because I think you're so worth it. So I was compromising big time. But it's still too much of a jump for me. For now.
I don't plan on saying no forever. I plan on growing up, womaning up, and then meeting up. But these things will take time.
I need to get my career on track. I'm completely financially dependent on my parents and have to hear my fair share of... what's the word... taunting from my father - "my money, my house, my this and that" (sorry, I don't know why I keep telling you all this stuff).
I do not plan on being like that forever, and would not dream of being entirely financially dependent on whoever I was to marry. But the depression needs to be worked through first. Which is why I keep banging on about it. Which is why I keep asking you about it..... it's a big chunk of my life right now..... not forever, just for now.
More importantly, I have to deal with my childhood scars and fears of abandonment and defectiveness and my major anger issues and resentments and all the rest of it....first. I've got a therapist. She's quite intuitive. She knew how tall you were - lol. And that you were very "sober". Ha!
She's the life coach for the SPL event this Saturday.
So I've begun to deal with my issues in full earnest. Because I want this to work out. So, actually, thank you for giving me such a hard time. Because if you didn't push all those buttons, I;'d still be complacent and think my life was OK. You can't know yourself in isolation, only when you're in a relationship (any kind) with someone, because they end up being your mirror: the good and the bad.
I know all the negative stuff. But I didn't know that I was quite the stand up comic....
And, frankly my dear, you have issues you need to deal with as well.
So wakey wakey..... rise and shine..... hellooooo......is it getting through??????
I cannot believe you've made me do this. Why can't you read between the frigging lines?
Now how can I tell God, yes, I protected my haya and my effat and my modesty when I've written all of this? This is equal to emotional prostitution.
How many Hail Marys do I have to recite tonight, now? Arrrrrgggghhhhhh.
A few more things:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
"Pick up a Snickers and get some nuts!"
"I am clearly surrounded by imbeciles!" Mr Rude, The Mr Men Show
This is how I see it - eventually....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=045GD13q6cc
There's another one I want to send, but heck. You need to prove yourself first, matey.
You can't have it all the way you want i.e. pronto and I can't have it all the way I want i.e. perfect. But there has to be a middle ground. And TRUST. I already respect you, so taht's not a problem. Well, as much as a person can respect a dumbass... joke!
Your turn. Go MENtal if you like.... show some anger. I like
"Ukhti" Sukaina
P.S. I really should have just gone for one of the Imran Khans. At least they are rich; I could poison them and be set for life 
P.P.S. You owe me an hour and a half of my life back.
Anger? You've got to be joking! Seriously... Anger? Anger? Anger? (x100)
Just because I didn't feel like putting all those smileys and lols and lmaos and *wink wink nudge nudge*, you - once again - assume something about me that is as far from the truth as it could be.
Why would I put them in anyway? Mr Impervious Irishman and Ms. "Ukhti" (yes, I noticed) are just "friends", I still have a constant need for dialogue (more now than ever previously imagined), you have attachment issues, I have abandonment issues, there's a million and one things you have point blank ignored and have not explained, despite my requests for you to explain your brusque, abrupt behaviour. You went and forged ahead with the next conquest, what, the very next day you dumped me? And then have the... for lack of a word, _______ to go and tell me about how you're sad because Mama said No and that was it. And then what do you say about the poor girl? .You know as i wrote the previous email and sent it to you, this “unknown emotion” vanished, literally!! I have not thought about the issue or the girl since i received your email, however i have had the occassional call from the girl, but mehhhh i ignored it!! I dont have a reason to answer or pursue her... . That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH (stop using that, it's only for privileged Canadians to use. You are defo not one of us, mate.) AND NOT EVEN RESPONDING AFTER ACTING LIKE AN IMPULSIVE, PREMATURE EJACULATING DICKHEAD by buying her dinner, paying for her fares and getting her a cheesy rose on each date, you're so on the bottom pile of fuel in the seventh pit of hell - alongwith.... Hitler. And... Saddam. (OK, slightly miffed here, emphasis on slightly)....
You know what you are? You are a premature ejaculator. There. I said it. Again. Ouch.
I was being witty, blasé and deadpan in the previous email. You remember what that type of humour entails, right? You being the frequent user of such humour yourself. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol lmao :) ;)
(Is that enough, or do I have to put in even more? Assume that they are sprinkled after every line in this email.... I don't have the patience to do it manually.) Just trying to speak in your language. Apparently, that's the way I flirt. So, sue me.
You only pretend you don't do anger. You're passive-aggressive. Mr Jekyll-Hyde. You suffer from permanent Pre-MAN-strual Tension (lol, my open relationship friend Sobia Ali came up with that one!). I don't usually use this word flippantly, after all, I am a fierce advocate again mental health name-calling, but I will say you've even acted bipolar.
Everyone has anger. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I've done the suppression and the passive-aggression in the past, now I'm in a phase of finding it hard to control it - it is symptomatic of the depression. Freud (yes, we shall never be rid of him now, thanks to you, Irish) said that depression is anger turned inwards and he's got the right idea. I am completely aware of it and am working on it. The way I am working though my trust issues, solely for your sake.
I haven't told you, but after you dumped me the first time on 3rd October 2010 at... ok, well I've lost my mobile, so I can't refer to the time, I think it was 11ish..... my life has been HELL. Insomnia. Death by chocolate. Loads of leaking, until there was no more leaking to take place. So I'd drink water or my hippie, herbal tea and start all over again, listening to SAD FM constantly and posting Youtube vids on my FB and then deleting them. Watch the Jewel one called Foolish Games (right at the bottom, funnily enough, there are a lot of angry love songs). Foolish games. So apt. So many emails in my draft folder and texts in my Drafts file (well, no longer - phone is gone) and my not sending them because my friend told me you hadn't shown yourself worthy of that kind of honestly, you weren't reciprocating. And, luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right.
Fantasies about running into traffic (OK, a little bit OTT, the running into traffic is part of the depression, not you - don't worry, I'm not trying to manipulate you into guilt here. It's in control, for now.) But you didn't help, for someone who sees himself as kind and patient and understanding about depression.
I've even started EFT and counselling and anger management and other weird stuff to try and get over you, or try to reconcile with you. Which worked on the 14th of October 2010 when we had the FB chat (yes, I have saved them all).
Well, I have to go offline now.
But I'm glad we talked.....
Really glad
Silence isn't always golden.
Talk soon and have fun moving out this weekend and good luck with your Meeting on Monday....
np
enjoy
ws
Maybe you'll email or something after all that stuff has calmed down
Oh God, the ws again
:)
sure
You're always so formal :)
take care suki!
:D
Ok Immy! Can I say just one more thing?
Actually, forget it....
yes
Silence is better this time..... Byeeeeeeeeeeee
:)
go one
on
come one
on*
Hmmmm
ask away...
Well, it's a request
sure
Could you perhaps try to slow down on the ultimatums?
ok i understand...
Do you?
Because, if I'm being honest (when am I not lol)....
sorry i tend to get a tiny bit carried away
Why is that?
i dunno...
You've done it three or four times already...
i just dont like to be messed around
And you think I'm messing you around?
im a no nonsense kinda person
say what you mean and do as you say!
yes sometimes you come across as you do
Well, if you won't tell me when and how I've come across as that, how do you give me the chance to explain? Hmm? :)
OK, well I really am exhusted, so are you.
no
one second
OK
two mins
ok
Ok, Immy, my dad's throwing a fit....
I really have to go....
ok
i will text you
bye
Cool :)
bye bye :)
You are not online.
.And so I say in the text on Monday, 18th October 2010 at 11pm, you owe me an email explaining how you feel I'm messing you about.
Why? Why would I ask you to share that? Because I find it important to get through all the miscommunication.
This is why I was telling you to get advice from your older sister. I don't know her at all, but she likes cats, and I have this idea that if you told her how you've handled this toward the end.... she'd call you an immature man-boy, too. Just a hunch. Like I said, don't know her.
Strong medicine, but I'm not going to mince words in such an important email. (Plus, I still haven't had my cat nap and I've just vaccuumed the entire house, so am slightly grumpy, emphasis on slightly).
I keep getting hurt. You can be extremely tactless most of the time. It's painful. You haven't quite persuaded me yet that not all men are neanderthals. Hypothetical social scenarios, all done from your high perch observing the world, telling me stuff but not explaining, acting like such a kid sometimes....and making me feel as though I was unworthy, defective, not good enough. Not worth enough effort to call me in the daylight hours and allow me to explain. A midnight text was all I was worth.
You gotta step up and start explaining things. I've been willing to do it; you, not so much. Admit that much.
"If you don't like me, have no fear..."
Stumped me the third time. Record, I think.
Me not like you. Right.
I take out everyone's I-Ching and email it to them. I'm willing to act like a complete MORON and counsel someone who's taken me through the shredder three times and I'm still acting like the Awesome Compassionate Healer and telling him to take a stand and think it over. With a girl who is, essentially, my competition.
I'm going against the "bloody istekhara" result. Against my dear mother's wishes. Considering I was willing to make a completely incompatible marriage to an Ayatollah's son based on one of those. (Did you even read all that yet?)
I hate how possessive and weirdly tolerant I have become regarding this person i.e. you.
I neither like it nor do I understand it. It just is. It won't go away. I tell it Scat! and it looks at me and goes No way, José. You are stuck with this.
Caring for someone,
- whom you haven't even met,
- who you're too scared to meet,
- who you weren't even physically attracted to in the beginning,
- who calls you "woman" and, now apparently "chicken",
- who has atrocious grammar (I said someone FLUENT in English in my profile - lol),
- who is completely married to his job, family and mates and made a point of mentioning it as many times as he possibly could in one telephone conversation,
- who is very social and active and vibrant whereas I've been stuck at home most of my life, with my books and cats (although changing it a little nowadays), but knee-boarding? Puh-leez...
- who is so rigid in his thinking, and only thinks and thinks in his tiny little box and thinks he's so open minded and accepting and tolerant, that you'd have deleted him from FB long ago, but you just chuckle and say "accept it, he just can't see it right now",
- who has an Ego the size of Jupiter and it constantly clashes with your Ego which is also the size of, well, Jupiter and a skin so thin he can't take "man-boy" and a little swearing on the chin,
- with whom you swear with/at just because you feel so safe and comfortable doing it (I don't swear around most people, or in public and definitely not around nice, peace loving Khoja ladies, but you assumed I was going to with your mother and the rest of the family....
- who is so Khoja you could scream and he flatly denies it - I've never even heard anyone use the word "chumcho" until you
- especially when you swore to yourself you wouldn't ever consider a Khoja,
- who has a huge-ass family which scares the living daylights out of you because you know you'll never pass the Motherrrrrr test (can you hear the Psycho music in the background - JOKE!!!!),
- and whom you like so much you can't ever imagine introducing him to your really, really embarrassing family.... (my father is as bad as I make him out and the rest of them are odd to say the least, where do you think I get it from?)
The list goes on and on...... I cannot believe you are forcing me to spell all of this out.
Look at my FB friends list. 54 people I think are worth keeping on it; well I would cut 10-15 of them off, but either I'm related to them or they keep adding me after I've deleted them so I've just given up. I shall delete them sneakily at a later date - muhahaha!
I only have one male friend in this world. One. His name is Umair Alam and I've known him since grade 5. He's an idiot. I used to have a crush on him three eyars ago. At least he talks and replies to emails. I'm not comparing the two of you. What I'm saying is: you are (potentially, "still under review") the second friend. That's it. That's a huge deal for someone who is painfully shy and has major problems with the male population in general. The other peeps on my list are cousins.
I'd add Sharif Sherriff (on your list, my second cousin) but I have never actually spoken to him beyond "Salaam" at family weddings and when I, on the rare occassion, visit his mother.
All my friends have gotten fed up me talking about you, whinging about you... blah blah blah.... Especially my best friend, and that's really funny, because her boyfriend's (and hopefully soon-to-be husband once her stupid parents get a clue that after 10 years, you just gotta let the kids do the halal thing) name is Imran too Talk about weird.
Point is, put yourself in someone else's shoes for two seconds.
You're the Londoner. I'm not. I've jsut moved back here six months ago. I'm still adjusting to the weather, the currency, the accents, the imbecility - hahaha.
Two different worlds. Two different perspectives.
There will be a lot of adjustment issues, and we both have to realise that, accept it, and work through it.
If we deem it worthwhile the effort and time and patience and hissy fits and diva-like tantrums (both yours and mine). And overcome the fears of being stuck in a marriage like our respective parents and having to divroce later on.
Because, trust me, I would divorce. I shall never become a victim to male abuse, be it physical, verbal, mental, emotional or other...
I've just gotten out of four miserable years of severe (emphasis on severe) depression. I wasn't able to get out of bed March of this year. I wasn't able to formulate a sentence, verbal or written in February. I've had hallucinations, OCD - the works.
You come out of nowhere and I say Yes to the Universe. Fair enough.
You say your friend had depression and you saw what it did, you say you're a patient individual, but I don't really see that.....
Why was I even on SS if I'm not ready to marry just yet? Because a friend told me, "if you're planning on marrying 5 years from now, you'd better start looking because it takes that long". So I went along with it. I do know I have an expiry date; a shelf life. I'm 26-and-a-half solar, 27-and-a-half lunar.
Wasn't expecting anyone to contact me on SS, especially after the bloke on Shiamactch called me a devil ... muhahahaha! Oh remind me to send you that chat...
)The depression, the lack of desire to have children, the fact that I'm unemployed and have never worked (well, apart from Wimbledon, but that came later on - I'm done, btw, got paid my first installment
), And a month later, you message me. I didn't think anything of it. And then three weeks later, it was a completely different story.I wrote in my original SS profile that I wasn't looking to get married for another 2-3 years. Right? But having met you and all the craziness that has happened and all the inner demons that have flared up inside of me, I know that I can't meet with you right now. I'm not ready. I'm such a five-year old kid in my head. I keep building things up way out of proportion and flaking out. I told you I was going way out of my comfort zone. Why would the diva do that? Because I think you're so worth it. So I was compromising big time. But it's still too much of a jump for me. For now.
I don't plan on saying no forever. I plan on growing up, womaning up, and then meeting up. But these things will take time.
I need to get my career on track. I'm completely financially dependent on my parents and have to hear my fair share of... what's the word... taunting from my father - "my money, my house, my this and that" (sorry, I don't know why I keep telling you all this stuff).
I do not plan on being like that forever, and would not dream of being entirely financially dependent on whoever I was to marry. But the depression needs to be worked through first. Which is why I keep banging on about it. Which is why I keep asking you about it..... it's a big chunk of my life right now..... not forever, just for now.
More importantly, I have to deal with my childhood scars and fears of abandonment and defectiveness and my major anger issues and resentments and all the rest of it....first. I've got a therapist. She's quite intuitive. She knew how tall you were - lol. And that you were very "sober". Ha!
She's the life coach for the SPL event this Saturday.
So I've begun to deal with my issues in full earnest. Because I want this to work out. So, actually, thank you for giving me such a hard time. Because if you didn't push all those buttons, I;'d still be complacent and think my life was OK. You can't know yourself in isolation, only when you're in a relationship (any kind) with someone, because they end up being your mirror: the good and the bad.
I know all the negative stuff. But I didn't know that I was quite the stand up comic....
And, frankly my dear, you have issues you need to deal with as well.
So wakey wakey..... rise and shine..... hellooooo......is it getting through??????
I cannot believe you've made me do this. Why can't you read between the frigging lines?
no one quoted it. I said....
sigh
Your profile is simple, eh?
yesh
your is ehhh... empty!
clear of any information...
bland without substance...
Summary: NOT LIKE SUKAINA!
lmao
Thanks, I needed a good laff! :D
suspended...
how so...
Well, I don't see the point
The only reason I'm not deleting the profile is because i have a Diamond account so will wait till that expires
hmmm... does that mean youre off the market? (Only I can refer to myself as a cow, not you)
if you really want to know, yes.
really, whos the lucky man? if its ok to ask you... (Who's the lcuky man? Really?)
I've told you: it's all about the cats.
I'm reasserting my original position of militant feminist (Because it will take ages for me to get over this and no one else is worth bothering with).
Now how can I tell God, yes, I protected my haya and my effat and my modesty when I've written all of this? This is equal to emotional prostitution.
How many Hail Marys do I have to recite tonight, now? Arrrrrgggghhhhhh.
A few more things:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
"Pick up a Snickers and get some nuts!"
"I am clearly surrounded by imbeciles!" Mr Rude, The Mr Men Show
This is how I see it - eventually....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=045GD13q6cc
There's another one I want to send, but heck. You need to prove yourself first, matey.
You can't have it all the way you want i.e. pronto and I can't have it all the way I want i.e. perfect. But there has to be a middle ground. And TRUST. I already respect you, so taht's not a problem. Well, as much as a person can respect a dumbass... joke!
Your turn. Go MENtal if you like.... show some anger. I like
"Ukhti" Sukaina
P.S. I really should have just gone for one of the Imran Khans. At least they are rich; I could poison them and be set for life
P.P.S. You owe me an hour and a half of my life back.
Taz, I am sorry for invading your privacy in the email..... buss, main barri munh phaat huun :( Argh.
So he wrote some offlines on Yahoo Messenger:
Imran Lakha (23:43): I got your message
Imran Lakha (23:44): Interesting stuff, premature ejaculation?
Imran Lakha (23:44): Bad grammar
Imran Lakha (23:44): Insensitive
Imran Lakha (23:44): Mean!
Imran Lakha (23:44): *smiles*
Imran Lakha (23:46): I guess you are right, I am heartless. I do have a problem. I don't like discussing issues that I have... In fact I will reply to your email.
Imran Lakha (23:47): I think then you can truly appreciate me from my faults.
Imran Lakha (23:48): Hahahah grammar!
Imran Lakha (23:48): Nite! Sleep well.
And next day, Friday, 10 AM, this is what he writes:
Wa Aliaykum Salaam Sukaina,
I don’t have a reply for you. In fact personally you need to work through your situation and i will work through mine. I am here if you need me.
Ws, Imran.
Since then: I sent him another email... (just in case it's not clear to you (lol) I am dumping on him AGAIN! Appealing to pity... arghhh.... why can't I stop myself and only see these things in hindsight???)
(Disclaimer: random email alert)
Salaam Imran,
I understand. I myself wouldn't know what to write in response if I had received an email like the one I sent you on Thursday. I can't even believe I wrote it, now. It just flew onto the keys and "click", it was sent...
It's just when I read:
You are of the lucky ones, who i can tolerate and actually enjoy spending time with.... so stop being peculiar and meet me? J yeah??
I just couldn't allow the miscommunication to continue any longer by remaining silent and "modest".
"The worse form of censorship is censoring yourself...". Apparently. No comment.
I would like to apologise for all the swearing, vivid imagery and attacks to your manhood *rolls eyes*. It was done tongue-in-cheek and extremely impulsively in order to make my points crystal clear. I am only referring to it in this email so that there are no doubts in your mind. I can be as impulsive as anyone - being an Aries and all that :p
I'm no Lady Macbeth. Speaking of which, I've been meaning to send you these (they only make sense if you're well-versed with The Scottish Play - you might not even like them, so this is a risk!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI0OpUfi26U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXslau8KlJ4
Well, at least we both agree we want to be "friends" (ugh, such a cliché). I find that there are few intellectually stimulating people in my life sphere these days. Have no fear, I don't bite (although I do hiss and howl quite a bit, hahaha) and I won't make it hard for you, either.
I'm spent, done with all the melodrama. I'm not even quite sure about it anymore, funnily enough. Figment of my imagination? Wishful thinking? I've actually gotten over it? Who knows.
I am not looking forward to this month's Full Moon. If you think I'm crazy now... muhahahaha
Salaam Imran,
I understand. I myself wouldn't know what to write in response if I had received an email like the one I sent you on Thursday. I can't even believe I wrote it, now. It just flew onto the keys and "click", it was sent...
It's just when I read:
You are of the lucky ones, who i can tolerate and actually enjoy spending time with.... so stop being peculiar and meet me? J yeah??
If you don’t like me, have no fear.... I don’t bite and i won’t make it hard for you... What do you say???
I just couldn't allow the miscommunication to continue any longer by remaining silent and "modest".
"The worse form of censorship is censoring yourself...". Apparently. No comment.
I would like to apologise for all the swearing, vivid imagery and attacks to your manhood *rolls eyes*. It was done tongue-in-cheek and extremely impulsively in order to make my points crystal clear. I am only referring to it in this email so that there are no doubts in your mind. I can be as impulsive as anyone - being an Aries and all that :p
I'm no Lady Macbeth. Speaking of which, I've been meaning to send you these (they only make sense if you're well-versed with The Scottish Play - you might not even like them, so this is a risk!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI0OpUfi26U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXslau8KlJ4
Well, at least we both agree we want to be "friends" (ugh, such a cliché). I find that there are few intellectually stimulating people in my life sphere these days. Have no fear, I don't bite (although I do hiss and howl quite a bit, hahaha) and I won't make it hard for you, either.
I'm spent, done with all the melodrama. I'm not even quite sure about it anymore, funnily enough. Figment of my imagination? Wishful thinking? I've actually gotten over it? Who knows.
I am not looking forward to this month's Full Moon. If you think I'm crazy now... muhahahaha
As for the mosques, there are two that I know of in South London. One is Hyderi Khojaland, the link you sent me, the other is: http://www.idara-e-jaaferiya.org.uk/ - that's in Tooting Broadway and I think it's Pakistani run.
I've heard they are extremely bad at time-keeping there, even worse than at Hyderi. You planning on going for Eid salaat there? Have you already arranged for the camel steaks to be delivered to the kitty cats in Stanmore? Lol. If you haven't, you'd better get on it pronto!
One more thing: I know you must have gotten the not-so-subtle hint, but since I am still really upset about this, I am once more referring to it:
Please acknowledge and communicate with the other girl if she calls or texts you again. Or at least please consider taking the initative and explaining why you've ignored her calls and texts. You have enough inner wisdom to handle the situation in a way that maintains the dignities of both parties. God knows how she's interpreting the entire situation.
I like the FB status you put up on Thursday night. I won't interpret anything by it (although I'd like to - lol!) You made it up yourself, didja? Impressive! Looks like you haven't quite sold your soul to Devil...yet. Lol.
Hope you had a good weekend. My Saturday was pretty good. I got out of the house at least, went to the ICL for the SPL event. Was on a choclalte high though, drove the people there crazy. Bought a really nice poetry book called Contemplate. Might quote a few lines some day.
I managed to miss my JobCentre appointment on Friday. More subconscious self-sabotage, but they gave me an appointment on Monday. Which is tomorrow. Ugh.
Well, I pray you have a great week. One of us should. Just kidding, I plan on having an awesome week!!! :)
Talk soon,
Sukaina
P.S. I was misinformed. Apparently, meh isn't solely a Canadian expression. They've used it in The Simpsons. If there was ever a reason for me to stop using it, there it is.
P.P.S. Oh yes. http://www.youmeworks.com/self_reliance_translated.html . I mean it.
P.P.P.S. My dad went and locked me out of the house yesterday. I came back from the SPL event around 7:45pm but sat outside in the garden because I just didn't want to go in and interact with my dad just then. I heard him bolt one of the locks around 8:00 and ignored it, then at 8:30 he bolts all three locks. I then obviously had to ring the bell. And this isn't even the first time he's done that to me in the past seven months.
Whose father does that? It was 8:30pm. I've come home at 11pm a few times. I don't even know what he was trying to prove and am not getting into it with him. He has the PMT as well, I'm sure. Lol.
I need to move out. Yeah, Sukaina, keep dreaming. Well, I'd better pray he doesn't kick me out. I cannot afford to go back to Pakistan again. Not. Happening. I've kept the numbers of a few women's shelters in my wallet, my friend advised me to do so.
~~~~
No response. Obviously.
And everytime I see him online, I always say hi to him, try to talk to him.
I am another stalker in his long line of stalkers - he actually is going to/ or has already changed his phone number because he told me there were too many people getting hold of his number and calling and texting him. Why does someone get so popular?
Why don't I HAVE ANY STALKERS?!?!?!?!?! Lol. I'm sure it's annoying...but I want to be wanted... argh..... I am whole and complete and forgive myself for ever having fallen in love....tap, tap, tap, tap
Then, I caught him the day before Eid and told him I wanted an Eid card because he didn't send me one last Eid when he made one for his friends and family and conveniently forgot to send me the same e-card. (I thought he'd "come back to me" so was being overly free with him.) He told me he would send me a Moonpig card. But the internet connection was bad so we weren't getting each other's messages proeprly and miscommunciation again.
SIGN. I KNOW.
Then yesterday, I said Salaam on chat and he straight away went offline. His FB status: Today is a terrible day.....
Well, he's broken his promise about emailing me every day. And I would say OK, but this time, he himself offered.... or was it out of guilt because I kept telling him I felt like walking into traffic.... ahh.... of course. Subtle manipulations at play.
FUCK.
OK. TAZEEN. MY DEAR ONE.
I NEED YOUR WISDOM.
ALTHOUGH IT BECAME CLEAR TO ME LAST NIGHT AS I WAS JOURNALING AND DRAWING MY MANDALA: IT IS OVER. HE'S NOT THE ONE.
I AM NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP IF I ACT LIKE SUCH A LOSER, CREEPY, CLINGY, WEIRDO. IT REALLY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD. For me or for him.
Three months of my life. Poof. Craziness. Obssession. Stress. What I thought was love. What I thought was connection. Who I thought was my Soul Mate/Life Partner (did you ever figure out what the difference is? i've tried... adn I've Googled - and nothing....)
And still no resolution....
I feel like such a TWAT. TWAT. LAFUNGI. It's all ME.
One more thing: please give me a pity laugh
Saturday, 20 November, 2010
| (23:04) |
You are not kidding, thou kiddeth me not.....
Suki
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