Yeah, wanted a nice title. Seeing as I can only write here for the meantime. It's like the Universe is biting me in the ass with the amount of comments I am getting from people like Tazeen and Tamseela... redundant phrases such as:
"Well, you always withdraw when you are surviving, how about you change your strategy?
I didn't take any offense even if you do hate me suki. No offense at all. Thats your journey to make, not mine. And the best way to overcome anything at all is to take full responsibility whether its your energy or not. Because this way you have the control to change it rather than living with it. Baqi, you know what's best for you, so i'm not gonna go in my philosophical bullshit. You already know
I'll be here "
And in response to my Vibrancy post, Tamseela writes:
This one is a very different version of the one I have bought, of course the model's skin is lighter than mine and there's more pink on this one... actually, this is a much nicer one!!!! Honest :) And the churidar here is the same colour as the shirt... my trouser are a lovely mute magenta, the guy Ali was kind enough to change the trousers of really bright pink to a muted one. Bless him. I never really like two different colours... unless they are a different shade of the same one.
Can't find a picture online that's similar to the blue one one I bought, to show you.
Stop obsessing. You can sell it, like you will the other three. You got the gorgeous blue one... so you can fit in with the people. I would be better off buying a full length dress. Next time, when I have the inclination and the bling :)
Abraham-Hicks™
Any time you feel negative emotion, stop and say: Something is important here; otherwise, I would not be feeling this negative emotion. What is it that I want? And then simply turn your attention to what you do want . . . In the moment you turn your attention to what you want, the negative attraction will stop; and in the moment the negative attraction stops, the positive attraction will begin. And—in that moment—your feeling will change from not feeling good to feeling good. That is the Process of Pivoting.
"Well, you always withdraw when you are surviving, how about you change your strategy?
I didn't take any offense even if you do hate me suki. No offense at all. Thats your journey to make, not mine. And the best way to overcome anything at all is to take full responsibility whether its your energy or not. Because this way you have the control to change it rather than living with it. Baqi, you know what's best for you, so i'm not gonna go in my philosophical bullshit. You already know
I'll be here "
And in response to my Vibrancy post, Tamseela writes:
Tamseela AmjadMar 8, 2012 10:57 PM
Its telling you that you are ready to move to a new level :) you are bored of the current state..aa.. but habit is not letting you move on is it?
I am not going to bother replying to these people. Why on earth do I only attract my mirrors, my shadows? Honestly, I am looking forward to the nice people in my reality? The feather dusters, the ones who just are pure LOVE? In my physical reality?
"That's your journey to make, not mine." And the entire email.
Lol. Look at the amount of philosophy we keep spouting to one another. Look at how we assume so much about people.
I keep doing that.
I'm done doing that.
"That's your journey to make, not mine." And the entire email.
Lol. Look at the amount of philosophy we keep spouting to one another. Look at how we assume so much about people.
I keep doing that.
I'm done doing that.
"Responsibility?" The ego wants to spout off, I am not allowing it to. I am in control here.
If they knew better, they would behave differently.
If I knew better, I'd behave differently.
If they knew better, they would behave differently.
If I knew better, I'd behave differently.
I've really had it with people.
I am a major work in progress. My mouth is zipped. I refuse to be in healer role to people any longer, just because that's what my ego tells me that's all I'm worth.
I was doing that yesterday with Sabira Khala and not even sure if it was working. Then switched to focusing on me, because being in crowds and being tired.... really takes a lot out of me. So found a tree and kept grounding into it.
This dehydration thing is concerning me now. Either let em live in peace, or let me kill myself in peace God. What is this?
I was doing that yesterday with Sabira Khala and not even sure if it was working. Then switched to focusing on me, because being in crowds and being tired.... really takes a lot out of me. So found a tree and kept grounding into it.
This dehydration thing is concerning me now. Either let em live in peace, or let me kill myself in peace God. What is this?
The clothes my mum sent.... bless her for sending them, and everything is perfect. I can sell them.
As Allah is so kind, I ended up in Southall yesterday with Sabira Khala and managed to buy one beautiful light blue one that I'll wear for the nikah and a grey one that looked really nice in the shop....
and it didn't occur to me that dark grey REALLY washes out my skin tone. I wanted to brighten up with whites and light colours, so why did I end up choosing a dark grey one that looks like so many of my clothes and makes me look DULL????
and it didn't occur to me that dark grey REALLY washes out my skin tone. I wanted to brighten up with whites and light colours, so why did I end up choosing a dark grey one that looks like so many of my clothes and makes me look DULL????
And everything is perfect.
It looks better in the day time.
The best thing is that I spent a night away form home and around people who are abundant, functional and generous and kind... and because of Sabira Khala, I managed to get my clothes and now am going.
Yesterday, after seeing the clothes my mum had sent, trying them on and knowing I'd never wear them. I decided that I'd just not go to the wedding. Because of everything.
I'd like to think I'd have a nice time... but it just is a rehashing of having to answer the same questions time after time by the relatives who knew me from Toronto. I already got the preview yesterday with Aunty Naseem and Uncle Shiraz.
"Are you studying? Are you working?"
"Neither... not yet..."
They all ask me questions about my mum, dad and then Shiraz asked me about Aquila, how is she.. so I looked at him frankly and told him : you tell me! He's like I haven't spoken to her in months, so I nodded... didn't need to tell him: same here!! LOL.
I am going now... if only because I need to give the wedding gift and spend two days in a dream land away from reality again.... lol. And have biryani lol. Maybe I'll stop ignoring Ali and speak to him and arrange to meet him. We haven't spoken since last Friday... and he, as usual, has only replied to two texts I sent him when feeling very frustrated last Sunday.
I was actually in the middle of texting him last night, and then I spoke to Sakina and she told me what a bum the guy she likes was with her - he refused to take a pack of Maltesers she bought for him and said what do I do with it? And said he'd return it to her and lied that he had a girlfriend :(((
What a dick! Cancel clear delete, but what a DICK!
It reminded me exactly of how Imran treated me and she said that and recognised that too.... she said both of them were the same, saying things to get rid of us.... I was like, yeah. They don't know how else to handle someone who likes them, if they don't - what is a graceful, polite way of communicating.... and I am the same... lol.
I haven't responded to some guys on the website, I just can't be bothered to deal with explanations and drama.
Boy, no wonder Imran annoyed me so much. He did what I am now doing... sad face.
So I was like, dafah ho all of these men. Didn't text Ali. He knows my number. That's what the book says, too lol :P
On Friday, I heard another long story about a girl I met who is in a relationship and she seemed SO SAD. I gave her some pathetic falsafa again and everything is perfect. My intent was clear enough. I sent her some healing and a big hug.
Whatever. Lol.
No one needs to put up with this bullshit!
The guys don't really CARE! So much programming about macho stuff! But I do understand that the levels of awareness differ with each person. Most of these guys have a level of awareness that is as it is and so do I.
My dear Allah, increase and expand my consciousness and my wisdom..... I need it now.
I keep reminding myself:
"Are you studying? Are you working?"
"Neither... not yet..."
They all ask me questions about my mum, dad and then Shiraz asked me about Aquila, how is she.. so I looked at him frankly and told him : you tell me! He's like I haven't spoken to her in months, so I nodded... didn't need to tell him: same here!! LOL.
I love the contrast. And this time... oh, such a relief with the energy work and asking Allah to help me with my speech. All the previous times, my defences were so strong and my self esteem was so low I'd get so annoyed with people and HATE them. Only because my energy levels were always low so their energy, higher vibrating, invaded my space.
This time, I asked the angels to protect me, called upon Imam Ali and I did all the stuff and was able to be myself WHILE being polite and nice to them. I was lighthearted and laughing and speaking to my male cousins like lovable humans, not like I was better than them lol. What an ego, a fascinating facade of an ego I have.
It needs to become bite size.
It needs to become bite size.
Didn't ask redundant questions, because I don't really need to know anything lol.
I am going now... if only because I need to give the wedding gift and spend two days in a dream land away from reality again.... lol. And have biryani lol. Maybe I'll stop ignoring Ali and speak to him and arrange to meet him. We haven't spoken since last Friday... and he, as usual, has only replied to two texts I sent him when feeling very frustrated last Sunday.
I was actually in the middle of texting him last night, and then I spoke to Sakina and she told me what a bum the guy she likes was with her - he refused to take a pack of Maltesers she bought for him and said what do I do with it? And said he'd return it to her and lied that he had a girlfriend :(((
What a dick! Cancel clear delete, but what a DICK!
It reminded me exactly of how Imran treated me and she said that and recognised that too.... she said both of them were the same, saying things to get rid of us.... I was like, yeah. They don't know how else to handle someone who likes them, if they don't - what is a graceful, polite way of communicating.... and I am the same... lol.
I haven't responded to some guys on the website, I just can't be bothered to deal with explanations and drama.
Boy, no wonder Imran annoyed me so much. He did what I am now doing... sad face.
So I was like, dafah ho all of these men. Didn't text Ali. He knows my number. That's what the book says, too lol :P
On Friday, I heard another long story about a girl I met who is in a relationship and she seemed SO SAD. I gave her some pathetic falsafa again and everything is perfect. My intent was clear enough. I sent her some healing and a big hug.
Whatever. Lol.
No one needs to put up with this bullshit!
The guys don't really CARE! So much programming about macho stuff! But I do understand that the levels of awareness differ with each person. Most of these guys have a level of awareness that is as it is and so do I.
My dear Allah, increase and expand my consciousness and my wisdom..... I need it now.
I keep reminding myself:
I refuse to allow people tell me stuff! It's horrid. For the past so many months, I've been living the way Sidra or someone or other says... because I feel that i am not progressing enough, that I am not rel enough....
Southall: set the hazy intention (was dehydrated and scattered) that everything is perfect and I'd get my clothes. Not particularly the emerald greens, purples, lilacs, pinks and light yellows I had hoped for and perhaps I'd have been better off buying the white and cobalt one... ended up buying a gorgeous light blue and white one.... and a dark grey and magenta one....
The dark grey is slightly regretted - because I was meant to go for lighter and brighter colours and grey tends to wash me out and people say grey doesn't look good one me. I agree, it washes me out... so why do I do these things? Well, why do you fall in love with the wrong people, why do you look up your astrology and soul plans to dictate your life, why do you do anything - or not? Why do you choose to incarnate? Why did God make life so miserably complex and intricate and unfathomable and never ending?
I can't be perfect.... but come on, dark grey?!?!?! Argh. It's lovely, classy - but why can't these designers choose a lovely shade of dove grey... or pink... light pink with magenta offset.... yum!
Also, I was tempted. Also I was tired. Also, I said no four times and couldn't find anything else that took my fancy, even that white one I mentioned earlier, and then went back and finally said yes and waited 1/2 an hour for them to reduce it to my size.
The poor shop guy Ali - I did his head in... bless him. Nice guy.
The poor shop guy Ali - I did his head in... bless him. Nice guy.
One out of two suits - not bad.
This one is a very different version of the one I have bought, of course the model's skin is lighter than mine and there's more pink on this one... actually, this is a much nicer one!!!! Honest :) And the churidar here is the same colour as the shirt... my trouser are a lovely mute magenta, the guy Ali was kind enough to change the trousers of really bright pink to a muted one. Bless him. I never really like two different colours... unless they are a different shade of the same one.
Can't find a picture online that's similar to the blue one one I bought, to show you.
SUKI, for the last time, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.
Stop obsessing. You can sell it, like you will the other three. You got the gorgeous blue one... so you can fit in with the people. I would be better off buying a full length dress. Next time, when I have the inclination and the bling :)
And think of it: Allah gave you enough izzat so you don't have to ask ANYONE, that you wouldn't sink to asking Farwa or Sidra or Shaista aunty's daughter's to loan you their clothes. Or trawl Tooting High Street and not find anything. ALHAMDULILLAH.
And if grey washes you out, so be it.
And if grey washes you out, so be it.
Let your spirit shine when you wear it :)
At least you HAVE CLOTHES to wear! And you had the money to buy them because your lovely Khala sent you exactly the same amount of money for birthday and Eid.
SUKI! When you have places to go and money to spend.... then you can buy your pinks, greens, yellows, peaches etc....! At least you got what you were meant to get, right? And not stuck with the shades of bright pink, bright yellow and bright teal your mum chose for you!
One thing I've noticed is that although it's really challenging having to live with more than one person in a house, the energy builds and you have less chances of feeling lonely and apathetic... both families have a full family of parents and kids and grandparents... and a steady stream of visitors. And nice houses... lol.
Depending on how I'm feeling on Saturday, I'll aim to be at the mosque around 4:30pm so I can get some quiet time in a place of worship before all the people come. I haven't been to a masjid since the Holy Prophet's death anniversary :( I t will be nice to have some proper meditation time.
And also sink in with the energies of worship and marriage... ask Allah for myself and for all the people I know who are stuck to open things up.... and besides, I really like Stanmore Country Park. And then this way, I'll be wearing my suede boots and not care about shoes! Lol!
Funny... me wearing wedding clothes in a park with suede boots - but the weather is still cold, so don't think I'll be able to wear my white sandals.
Qui sait? Qui sait?
Oh, and because my dad is being so thingy about it and I dunno.... I am not going to Toronto in April because firstly it's not fair on Ashiya and her family... she'll have just started working full time, plus my dad is completely taking over and control and I realise it's because it's his money and because he decided to arrange it and because I live in his house.
This is not judgement, it's not feeling right.
I need a holiday :)
This is not judgement, it's not feeling right.
I need a holiday :)
Allah, shift this.
I'm going on holiday and I am arranging it all. And going with someone.
I ended up crying at a stranger's house, where I went to pick up the clothes my mum sent me. It was during Maghrib salaat... firstly, because it's been almost two weeks since I prayed salaat. And her house was so nice! Like a mansion, plus carpeting, furniture, bathroom... and in Stanmore, you know they end up very well off to begin with.
I chose to walk to her house from the station instead of taking the bus. And glad I did. Came across a cemetery, haven't felt like going to one of these in ages too.... sad, really.
So I sat there against this gorgeous tree, prayed for all the people there and just was there, trying to settle myself and be present in my body.... the church was gorgeous. I was better off for being there than had I not visited. At least the build up of energies wasn't worse.
Speaking to Faiza was interesting.... I saw my ego jump up and take over, as I spoke to her... but she told me it was normal to not have enough confidence to meet a guy, loads of girls end up doing that...
I had left the house with my hair all done up and stuff... and then suddenly.... in the middle of Hyde Park, whilst Faiza was telling me how she fell for a guy online and on the phone and met him twice and he was atheist so she had turned atheist in order to suit him - I felt like wearign my hijab again. So I did... and then did it properly when I found a mirror somewhere.
The guy, of course, dumped her for a girl who was properly atheist!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I had left the house with my hair all done up and stuff... and then suddenly.... in the middle of Hyde Park, whilst Faiza was telling me how she fell for a guy online and on the phone and met him twice and he was atheist so she had turned atheist in order to suit him - I felt like wearign my hijab again. So I did... and then did it properly when I found a mirror somewhere.
The guy, of course, dumped her for a girl who was properly atheist!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
DO NOT COMPROMISE YOURSELF FOR ANY ONE, EVER!
I don't care who I am, I don't care how this blog post is, it's for me anyway.... I don't care if I am 3D, I don't care that I don't like certain people in my life because they scare me and don't make sense to me...
Allah knows me and loves me just as I am.
Just as I am.
Only Allah will love me just as I am, not "through" His servants, just Him and one day I'll be able to love myself the same.
I picked up the stuff Tazeen had sent for me... and for Sidra. The Angel Therapy book gave me lots of comfort these two days. The Job Search one says there is the perfect job for me, that I am the perfect fit.
Help me, Allah... to get out of my own way.
Now to drink more water and to eat some breakfast.
Now to drink more water and to eat some breakfast.
Abraham-Hicks™
Any time you feel negative emotion, stop and say: Something is important here; otherwise, I would not be feeling this negative emotion. What is it that I want? And then simply turn your attention to what you do want . . . In the moment you turn your attention to what you want, the negative attraction will stop; and in the moment the negative attraction stops, the positive attraction will begin. And—in that moment—your feeling will change from not feeling good to feeling good. That is the Process of Pivoting.