I don't even know how to begin this... or what title to put to this.
Let's start with what made me post here.
Les enfants.
Apparently, my choice to not procreate is causing a block to my finding the right person to marry.
Fascinating how the aunts and the single men of my community can casually box you straight away the moment you mention this.
Fascinating how you have to use Energetic NLP magnets and vacuum cleaners on the inside of your brain to continually remove all the thought forms, limiting beliefs and programmes people carelessly send your way. And to release all the blocks and all the hooks that allow them to even vibrate at your frequency or to trigger you in the first place. FASCINATING!
Fascinating how, the more energies you feel you release, the more wired and alien you feel when you unwittingly go to places where you just absorb so much energy... and feel like you are the scum of the earth, worthless and unwanted and a redundant Incarnated Elemental.
I can't go to the mosque because of all this ancestral programming. It's too strong and overpowering for me. My mosque is the local park with the trees and the ducks. I trust them, I feel safe with them. The humans confuse and scare me nowadays.
The aunt, when I told her that I haven't the desire for children - told me I'd only have luck with a revert to Islam, since no Pakistani or Khoja man would be able to... um... deal with my criteria. Or that I wouldn't "fit" in such an environment.
And then, today, she tells me that my "demands" don't suit the revert friends of my second cousins. At first, I thought it was because I had mentioned I wanted someone living by himself, likes to cook, good looking and has a well paying job that he enjoys. No, the other "demands" are still okay, it's the thing about my not wanting to give birth to children - that is the issue.
Coming to think of it, it was her view that I would only be an attractive prospect to a revert to Islam.
I didn't quite say that. I said I want a spiritual person. A person who was open minded and not accultured. Seeing as I am from the same culture and am breaking free bit by bit, I assume there are a few others doing the same.
And she made the judgement....
Ooooh.... judgements..... judgements..... and breeeeathe!
My friend told me to not limit myself to a Shia Muslim - because we are all programmed so much to quantify and classify people bases on their names and their mosque affiliation and other factors.
I used to do that.
Box, box, cage.
I am currently on a Shia matrimonial website, and the people who approach me are nice blokes, and so interested in the mosque I attend etc and that is no longer who I am... and they all want kids... mainly because of the entire procreate and continue your lineage belief system ingrained generation after generation.
I mean, they expect the person they marry to really want to have children, to really want to be pregnant for nine months, to really want to be attached to raising the children for 18 years.
I don't like cleaning up after people, especially kids. They just really, really annoy me! I cannot stand them for many hours... motherhood is glorious and it is also not what I see myself as embracing...
It is a choice, not a handicap to not want to raise children.
At one point in my life, I thought I'd choose to adopt children, since becoming pregnat was not something I wanted.... but now, even that seems to not be my soul's destiny.
I may change my mind... everything is subject to change, the soul's plan is usually unclear.
What is again fascinating, divine, interesting, noteworthy is how my entire value as a person and as a woman is defined by this and, in the eyes of certain people, including my parents, family and certain friends and community folk and some of the men on the matrimonial website, plus the first bloke I ever fell in love with .... I actually end up being DEVALUED because of this.... a lifestyle choice, this lack of interest to mother and nurture children, this desire to pursue my true life's journey... in which I feel that children would be a liability.
Do I really have to defend my right to NOT have children?
I've also been boxed in because I wear/wore the hijab - a friend described me to a person looking to get married as a "hijabi" (that's still being debated upon on a daily basis... sometimes yes I do, sometimes nopes, I get rebellious and annoyed and choose to not wear it).
I shook my head and breathed. I didn't correct her, it wasn't worth the ensuing conversation.
Wow. I used to define myself based on wearing the hijab, and judge others with respect to it.
Funny how things change. Guess what? Not my authentic energy. Programmes in my space.
There is a very good reason why I chose my user name as Artemis Persephone. Sadly, none of the blokes on the website was curious enough to do a Google search to find out why before they sent me a message!
Artemis is the archetype of the independent warrior Greek goddess who is a fierce protector of nature, animals and children.... and chooses to commit to a man and a relationship later than most women and for whom independence is her authentic core essence. And she kind of set dogs upon a shepherd who dared to gaze at her as she was bathing.... ;) That sounds about right *evil laugh*
http://goddess-power.com/artemis.htm
I have Persephone in me as well, which explains the other stuff.
http://goddess-power.com/persephone.htm
Sometimes I feel that my friend may be right about letting go and stop constraining myself to Shia Muslim males and getting the same results each time... but then, the thing is that Shia Islam has certain teachings that I choose to not let go of.
- Abstinence from alcohol and clubbing and promiscuity. I'd still rather not go down that route.
- Respect for women (in theory, at least)
- Spiritual pilgrimages to Iraq and Iran and other places
- Basic understanding about purification of the body and the house and clothes and food
- The Islamic prayers and supplications
- The love and respect given to the prophets and the spiritual guides and angels etc
As much as my personality would like to rebel... if the soul decided to be a Shia Muslim, there might just be a method to the madness. Unless it's just my rationalisation.
Although, I doubt there was much forethought when I chose to affiliate with the Khoja Shia tradition :) Biriyani and jalebi weddings at the mosque, anyone? :) Please understand, I love the biriyani and the jalebis... the excellent food is the BEST bit about being a Khoja :) The women are excellent cooks...
Having said that, I did go onto a spiritual singles website and 40-something men were looking at my profile. When the first one sent me a message, something in me froze and panicked and said, NO WAY! I deleted my profile straight away.
Interesting... I'm not quite sure yet what that indicates about me.
So... it seems that by revealing and uncovering and discovering for myself more of my authentic, miraculous self, by shedding the layers and the gunk of programmes and other people's stuff and ancestral programming... I now face the quandary of finding the best and most compatible soul mate to commit to and marry.
I just don't fit into the old paradigm... which is fine! I am happy being in my space, and they are free to remain in their space.
I have deactivated my matrimonial profile, I threw a tiny online tantrum:
I ain't looking for nowt. He can bloody find me :P Lazy bum, hmph!
I actually made a cosmic order for the right life partner/husband for me in this lifetime in January... I felt it was worth a shot, right? It's basically a list of all the qualities I want in my spouse, twin flame... you know, he has to be male, straight, sane, romantic, very good looking, loves to cook, and AWAKE and aware and of a similar vibration as I am, and that we grow and evolve together, a similar sense of humour, interesting, deep, compassionate, loving etc. etc. etc.
I've written on orange paper and I had put crystals around it, I energise it every new and full moon. I used to take it with me everywhere, but then I figured that it would rip or get lost... so I keep it beneath my pillow.
I lost my husband a few weeks ago and was a little distraught... then I found him hiding beneath my bed a few days later ha ha ha ha!
Oh boy... I never thought I'd even write this in a public post... but hey, this might inspire you to make your own cosmic order.... for whatever it is you want.
There's more I'd like to speak about, other things... but this is enough for today... the way I've been the past week, this blog post is an amazing accomplishment! Very 3D, but perhaps that's who I am and I must accept it :)
The people I have spoken to so far from the website.... lovely people in their own right from all walks of life.... and I either can tell from the first conversation or the third that there is nothing in common, no spark... nothing... not even to be friends....which is kind of sad, actually. I need more friends, at the very least!
What is interesting is they perhaps do not read my profile properly... and sometimes can not see that I am who I am, not what they project onto me... because I look like a "normal" Muslim girl... and then I open my mouth or send out an email ;)
What is progress is that I am actually on the search again, having finally let go of the first bloke I felt anything for... and with whom, I've recently realised, I had ABSOLUTELY nothing in common with! Cultural and family thought forms, 75%, soul mate catalytic chaos, 25% :)
The major progress is that I am actually confident enough to speak to men on the phone!!!
I've had issues with that up until now...
And there you are.
I'll eventually go on that first date... with the right person... of a similar vibration... and have some scintillating conversation and a lovely mug of hot chocolate and that oatmeal raisin cookie I am dying for :) Or chelo kabab - been ages since I had that :) There are two restaurants in London with the best chelo :)
Okay, the Goddess came up with a blog title. Yay!
Sharing my fave upbeat song at the moment:
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