So Imran has shifted... I have let him go. I am no longer in love with him, no longer holding onto an outdated contract. As she said, I'd never have started talking to other guys if he hadn't shifted from my energy. She's right.
Then tried pulling back, but thank goodness... it's done. Lol. He looked at my profile (because the username had changed and poor sod, I probably got him all excited for two seconds - until he saw my photos and he probably threw up or something)
No reply... and I don't care any longer because I've move beyond the ego as far as he's concerned. The love for him is purely on the higher planes. He's the brother. I looked up his soul plan, 14-5 is the reason we were attracted to one another, more than the 7-7 or the 11-2. Looked up Umair, he has 7-7 and 14-5 and 11-2 as well. I'm not surprised any longer.
He finally has changed back from that ugly grim reaper photo to his handsomest photo. He's actually NOT that good looking... in most of the photos... his ears are too big, and his right eye closes a lot - female side... maybe he'll let me work with that.
And I still love him. The power of attention, the power of soul connection, the power of my living in illusion so I don't need a real relationship in reality.
I tried the sleeping with him on an energetic level for the past two nights.... I feel as though I want it, but I don't. So that's that. I just need someone to hold onto. And I pretend it's his energy, but I know it's not. It's me imagining. God's Mercy encompasses us both. We are free now to move on.
Thank you Allah for listening to my prayers and releasing me from the shame of sexual desire and relieiving it in a manner I do not like too much.
Imran Kazmi can hold a decent flow in conversation and said my photos looked stunning. Whatever. am not going on a date with him because I am too superficial. I am not attracted to him and that's that.
Have a Skype date with him tonight at 7pm. Then 8pm have Skype ENLP with Leah.
Been effing up at work again.
Will ask for ego to be put aside and finish off the intuition chapter.
Delete. I wrote a beating up sentence about myself.
I am grateful for the opportunity to surpass today and do lots of work today.
Grateful for Pony Express on Monday, and for ENLP with Gen and Caroline on 4th and for Sidra's workshop on 11th.
Yesterday, I had the feeling that Karla' grandparents were around her. I didn't force it. She's really open to all the stuff I tell her about Sidra. She told me she was scared about sex as well... but then she was 19 when she met her husband.
It's been a week since I've not worn hijab. It feels alright. No one hits on me... and that's how I like it. I jsut don't want to wear hijab right now. And... as soon as I find my hairdryer or take Sidra's hair straightener i'll actually look good.
The reasons I wore hijab were more to do with being ashamed of my hair and body than dedication to God. Of course, It does protect you from sexual looks, advances and also from... well.... we'll see. I'm probably going to wear it again.
For example, if Imran EVER showed any interest in me again, I would wear it. That's how much he means to me... funny, isn't it....
to finally be honest to oneself.... to finally cry in regret that he's never going to be in my life again. EVER. To feel sad that 75% of this is just programming.
So where is my guy then?
They say na waqt se pehle, na qismat se ziyada...
I am no longer in a position to judge anyone - I have done it all.... lost the virginity before marriage - energetically as well as... and then taken off the hijab... and then.... my father.... I do not treat him too well out of arogance and anger.... and I am gaining weight all over again.....
and.... I am messing up work.....
hibernating.....
re-visiting the depression, the suicidal attempts, attracting the situations to prove I am not good enough...
Need to wax my legs this weekend and find my hairdryer and tea towels.
I may not be as those I admire.
I surrender.
Such is life. I am who I am, I am where I am.
The will of God will only take you where the Grace of God can protect you.
i feel like sleeping agian. I have exhaustion and cold and can't seem to get the messages from my body today.
Need to write a chapter Trust Your intuition. Ha ha. Irony.
Then tried pulling back, but thank goodness... it's done. Lol. He looked at my profile (because the username had changed and poor sod, I probably got him all excited for two seconds - until he saw my photos and he probably threw up or something)
No reply... and I don't care any longer because I've move beyond the ego as far as he's concerned. The love for him is purely on the higher planes. He's the brother. I looked up his soul plan, 14-5 is the reason we were attracted to one another, more than the 7-7 or the 11-2. Looked up Umair, he has 7-7 and 14-5 and 11-2 as well. I'm not surprised any longer.
He finally has changed back from that ugly grim reaper photo to his handsomest photo. He's actually NOT that good looking... in most of the photos... his ears are too big, and his right eye closes a lot - female side... maybe he'll let me work with that.
And I still love him. The power of attention, the power of soul connection, the power of my living in illusion so I don't need a real relationship in reality.
I tried the sleeping with him on an energetic level for the past two nights.... I feel as though I want it, but I don't. So that's that. I just need someone to hold onto. And I pretend it's his energy, but I know it's not. It's me imagining. God's Mercy encompasses us both. We are free now to move on.
Thank you Allah for listening to my prayers and releasing me from the shame of sexual desire and relieiving it in a manner I do not like too much.
Imran Kazmi can hold a decent flow in conversation and said my photos looked stunning. Whatever. am not going on a date with him because I am too superficial. I am not attracted to him and that's that.
Have a Skype date with him tonight at 7pm. Then 8pm have Skype ENLP with Leah.
Been effing up at work again.
Will ask for ego to be put aside and finish off the intuition chapter.
Delete. I wrote a beating up sentence about myself.
I am grateful for the opportunity to surpass today and do lots of work today.
Grateful for Pony Express on Monday, and for ENLP with Gen and Caroline on 4th and for Sidra's workshop on 11th.
Yesterday, I had the feeling that Karla' grandparents were around her. I didn't force it. She's really open to all the stuff I tell her about Sidra. She told me she was scared about sex as well... but then she was 19 when she met her husband.
It's been a week since I've not worn hijab. It feels alright. No one hits on me... and that's how I like it. I jsut don't want to wear hijab right now. And... as soon as I find my hairdryer or take Sidra's hair straightener i'll actually look good.
The reasons I wore hijab were more to do with being ashamed of my hair and body than dedication to God. Of course, It does protect you from sexual looks, advances and also from... well.... we'll see. I'm probably going to wear it again.
For example, if Imran EVER showed any interest in me again, I would wear it. That's how much he means to me... funny, isn't it....
to finally be honest to oneself.... to finally cry in regret that he's never going to be in my life again. EVER. To feel sad that 75% of this is just programming.
So where is my guy then?
They say na waqt se pehle, na qismat se ziyada...
I am no longer in a position to judge anyone - I have done it all.... lost the virginity before marriage - energetically as well as... and then taken off the hijab... and then.... my father.... I do not treat him too well out of arogance and anger.... and I am gaining weight all over again.....
and.... I am messing up work.....
hibernating.....
re-visiting the depression, the suicidal attempts, attracting the situations to prove I am not good enough...
Need to wax my legs this weekend and find my hairdryer and tea towels.
I may not be as those I admire.
I surrender.
Such is life. I am who I am, I am where I am.
The will of God will only take you where the Grace of God can protect you.
i feel like sleeping agian. I have exhaustion and cold and can't seem to get the messages from my body today.
Need to write a chapter Trust Your intuition. Ha ha. Irony.
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