"It's quite sad, really." December 2011 o
"I feel sorry for you." June 2010
Something in me. The entire world has moved on.
I spent the shortest day of the year, sad.
I spent the longest day of the year... I don't even have to remember... I was probably morose, sad.
My birthday: sad, and only when I found a cat, or when someone kindly and generously sent me flowers and a teddy did my mood shift.
Eff.
It makes sense why Tamseela and Farwa get me down. They are my shadows, mirrors, whatever.
One of them speaks really nastily about herself, men in general, the people she lives with, the other speaks nastily about the lover who left, and about Sidra, and about other things.
Farwa left and that's fine; that was me in the past, that harshness. Gone. But I shall be retrieving my book "He's Just Not That Into You" back from her. I'll be needing it the next time I meet a man who pretends to like me.
Oh dearie me.
I've spent 28 years like this. 28 fucking years like this. It is not normal. It is not.
And I wonder why people leave. No wonder I get offended when people who come across as mean, act in a way completely natural to them. No wonder I get sad and hurt when Madiha doesn't consider me a close friend. Do i even care? I know there's nothing there any longer: if there ever was!!! It's certainly neither of ours's fault: I honestly don't know why we're still in one another's lives. I'm never the one to call; and yet she texts me randomly, emails me randomly and of course, she gave me flowers and teddy and a cake and I don't know how on earth I am going to repay her.
This, all of this, is illusion: the past.
I was researching some more astrology, because it explains stuff and that's what I am inclined to do.
My Mars in Scorpio, his Venus is in Scorpio. That's why we both got hooked. My Venus is in Aries. And that's why it didn't work: I was upfront, he was secretive, didn't show or want to show his feelings... to the other girl, either. I could sense the depths of pain at having to leave her, at his childhood, with a lot of things... but he wouldn't trust me *shrugs shoulders* Venus in Scorpio are attracted to untamed, unpredictable women, with Scorpio in their planets. I have Scorpio in three: Moon, Mars and my Ascendant. Blah. Venus in Scorpio men are apparently intense and obsessive: with the right woman, NOT me!! :)
It's over, so get over it. Shizzle man... ha ha ha :) Bless.... bless you, dear Imran. I wonder if I'm more screwed up, or you. Must be me: you managed to get another girl the next day... I'm still pining for that connection a year after and haven't allowed space in my life for the real man. I don't have work, I refuse to allow myself too be happy, I'm addicted to feeling sad. I enjoy being miserable; enjoy it so much that "It's actually quite sad." You've probably found your next and perhaps final untamable and unpredictable woman who is amazing in the sack and also is committed and wifely and cooks. And has a respectable job, earning good money - like you are. And hasn't lost or smashed her marbles: plonkety plonk.
But she'll never be able to write a poem like Sacrosanct - NEVER! Allah has given me that honour!!!
Managed to get an hour of work done, managed to get Dipak to come for the Feb 4th day workshop.
Sidra called me to say that her friend liked the website: it looks very professional. I was happy, then she said what's going on... so I told her, she said after everything, you need to stop: too much healing can work against you, what does Sukaina want to do that would make her happy? I said: I want a vacation. Yes.
It's a blow to her ego that after all of this, Sukaina isn't shifting.
What if you stopped comparing? What if Sukaina could do anything, to be free, what would she do? Travel.
Which means working hard to get stuff done.
I have a story, but I am not my story.
~ Debbie Ford
Feels good to be day 2 off from Facebook - I don't miss it. Overload, overwhelm. Had begun stalking Farwa's profile for God knows what reason. And Imran's Grim Reaper photo was beginning to get to me.
I'm not going to do any more tapping with Tazeen. Monday's tapping really got to me.
"poor little me" stories.
I'm just so damned tired. Of it all. Of every single damned thing.
How can I NOT know what few jobs I could do that I'd be completely passionate about and not quite and lose steam after two months?
Not going to call or email any one.... they will if they have to. And I am fed up of needing people to make me feel better, or to recognise that I exist in order for me to feel worthy.
My Tooting Library books are due tomorrow. I need a haircut. Tooting after working for a few hours?
Paris after January 14th and before February 4th. :)
Je parlerai en francais. On va trouverons des lieux ou elle peut donner les workshops.
Oh, just wanted to mention that certain memories still tarnish: I can't allow myself to buy McVitie's Jamaican Ginger Cake because it reminds me of him, I had mentioned eating it on my Eid last year... while he was fasting - poor bloke. At least I can face eating pilao again. I wonder if he thinks of me as he vaccuums or eats apple pies or sees carots.
OBVIOUSLY NOT!!! JESUS, SUKI!!!! He's only got Venus in Scorpio, his sun is Saggitarius and more importantly he's a normal person: unlike you! He's used to being the stalked one :P
Stop it! You don't even like him... end of story. Go get a cat - I really would and I shall once I can afford to. His name will be... Manu hahahaha!!!! :D
I found something absolutely hilarious!!! On an astrology website to do with the 5th house.
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."
~ Alice Thomas Ellis
For the next Facebook update - whenever I succumb to it's charms again.
"I feel sorry for you." June 2010
Something in me. The entire world has moved on.
I spent the shortest day of the year, sad.
I spent the longest day of the year... I don't even have to remember... I was probably morose, sad.
My birthday: sad, and only when I found a cat, or when someone kindly and generously sent me flowers and a teddy did my mood shift.
Eff.
It makes sense why Tamseela and Farwa get me down. They are my shadows, mirrors, whatever.
One of them speaks really nastily about herself, men in general, the people she lives with, the other speaks nastily about the lover who left, and about Sidra, and about other things.
Farwa left and that's fine; that was me in the past, that harshness. Gone. But I shall be retrieving my book "He's Just Not That Into You" back from her. I'll be needing it the next time I meet a man who pretends to like me.
Oh dearie me.
I've spent 28 years like this. 28 fucking years like this. It is not normal. It is not.
And I wonder why people leave. No wonder I get offended when people who come across as mean, act in a way completely natural to them. No wonder I get sad and hurt when Madiha doesn't consider me a close friend. Do i even care? I know there's nothing there any longer: if there ever was!!! It's certainly neither of ours's fault: I honestly don't know why we're still in one another's lives. I'm never the one to call; and yet she texts me randomly, emails me randomly and of course, she gave me flowers and teddy and a cake and I don't know how on earth I am going to repay her.
This, all of this, is illusion: the past.
I was researching some more astrology, because it explains stuff and that's what I am inclined to do.
My Mars in Scorpio, his Venus is in Scorpio. That's why we both got hooked. My Venus is in Aries. And that's why it didn't work: I was upfront, he was secretive, didn't show or want to show his feelings... to the other girl, either. I could sense the depths of pain at having to leave her, at his childhood, with a lot of things... but he wouldn't trust me *shrugs shoulders* Venus in Scorpio are attracted to untamed, unpredictable women, with Scorpio in their planets. I have Scorpio in three: Moon, Mars and my Ascendant. Blah. Venus in Scorpio men are apparently intense and obsessive: with the right woman, NOT me!! :)
It's over, so get over it. Shizzle man... ha ha ha :) Bless.... bless you, dear Imran. I wonder if I'm more screwed up, or you. Must be me: you managed to get another girl the next day... I'm still pining for that connection a year after and haven't allowed space in my life for the real man. I don't have work, I refuse to allow myself too be happy, I'm addicted to feeling sad. I enjoy being miserable; enjoy it so much that "It's actually quite sad." You've probably found your next and perhaps final untamable and unpredictable woman who is amazing in the sack and also is committed and wifely and cooks. And has a respectable job, earning good money - like you are. And hasn't lost or smashed her marbles: plonkety plonk.
But she'll never be able to write a poem like Sacrosanct - NEVER! Allah has given me that honour!!!
Managed to get an hour of work done, managed to get Dipak to come for the Feb 4th day workshop.
Sidra called me to say that her friend liked the website: it looks very professional. I was happy, then she said what's going on... so I told her, she said after everything, you need to stop: too much healing can work against you, what does Sukaina want to do that would make her happy? I said: I want a vacation. Yes.
It's a blow to her ego that after all of this, Sukaina isn't shifting.
What if you stopped comparing? What if Sukaina could do anything, to be free, what would she do? Travel.
Which means working hard to get stuff done.
I have a story, but I am not my story.
~ Debbie Ford
Feels good to be day 2 off from Facebook - I don't miss it. Overload, overwhelm. Had begun stalking Farwa's profile for God knows what reason. And Imran's Grim Reaper photo was beginning to get to me.
I'm not going to do any more tapping with Tazeen. Monday's tapping really got to me.
"poor little me" stories.
I'm just so damned tired. Of it all. Of every single damned thing.
How can I NOT know what few jobs I could do that I'd be completely passionate about and not quite and lose steam after two months?
Not going to call or email any one.... they will if they have to. And I am fed up of needing people to make me feel better, or to recognise that I exist in order for me to feel worthy.
My Tooting Library books are due tomorrow. I need a haircut. Tooting after working for a few hours?
Paris after January 14th and before February 4th. :)
Je parlerai en francais. On va trouverons des lieux ou elle peut donner les workshops.
Oh, just wanted to mention that certain memories still tarnish: I can't allow myself to buy McVitie's Jamaican Ginger Cake because it reminds me of him, I had mentioned eating it on my Eid last year... while he was fasting - poor bloke. At least I can face eating pilao again. I wonder if he thinks of me as he vaccuums or eats apple pies or sees carots.
OBVIOUSLY NOT!!! JESUS, SUKI!!!! He's only got Venus in Scorpio, his sun is Saggitarius and more importantly he's a normal person: unlike you! He's used to being the stalked one :P
Stop it! You don't even like him... end of story. Go get a cat - I really would and I shall once I can afford to. His name will be... Manu hahahaha!!!! :D
I found something absolutely hilarious!!! On an astrology website to do with the 5th house.
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."
~ Alice Thomas Ellis
For the next Facebook update - whenever I succumb to it's charms again.
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