How long before I forget you, I truly let you go?
I don't know what to do.
Show me Allah, make me really GET what lessons and what I need to do or become or let go of or embrace so that he no longer haunts me... he is haunting me in my thoughts and in my new relationships.... I am so scared of letting any man get close to me... what intimacy I shared with you Imran - I am so scared of repeating the pattern I started with you, with Umair actually and then I ripped myself to shreds on your thorny cold shoulders...
I made beautiful poetry through the pain, but only once my mangled heart deigned to heal.
My vocabulary is now permanently dyed with your sweet, caressing words, your harsh, spurious blurbs...
little one, enjoy, enjoy spending time with you, domi, that smile is making a permanent mark -
when was the last time I smiled? I smile - and I also smile when I think of the things this love for you opened up in me... so what do I do?
Sometimes you come across as so weird that I wonder how on earth I chose you to fall in love with... and I keep clutching onto this kaizer soze, this dark knight, this selfish and naive man who didn't even have to do a single thing - that's what's so saddening - you didn't do a thing.
Nothing. You distanced yourself from the beginning, how does someone like me ever have a chance?
All the complaints you had about me, I have about you.... I need to accept this until I am ready to let it go. Please stop coming into my energy - obsession is so unattractive a quality in me. I totally maltreated Osama because I saw myself repeating the pattern and what's worse, he isn't even contesting and why would I mention you to him? Why? And then I mention your stupid MW3 on PS3 and he goes and gets it a few days later AND oh dear God posts up his avatar on FB.
What do I need to know that once I know it I will be able to release all these trial run males from my energy and open up my life to my true husband, lover, friend, spouse, fellow lightworker, soul mate and perhaps even twin flame?
I am good enough - it really doesn't matter - nothing matters. I make meaning and create my reality. I am loved, regardless of the pain and chaos I created... you created it as much as I did by your fears, just as I did with mine... leave me be - I need to be free from this.
Show me the ways out from the pattern of overeating and release this punishment energy from my being for GOOD please...
My heart feels so sad. So so sad. I create karma each day, allow me to become the best version of myself in each moment. I can not feel joy. Or love. or sacrifice. Or compassion. When was the last time I helped someone who needed me?
Nothing matters. They don't need me. I could call but it's all the same 3D stuff. I can't relate to it these days. Even blogging and reading has lost meaning, as has.... ooh she is a beaut. An absolute beaut.
Yesterday was pretty awesome, God. Aunty Aziza and wi-fi and Sunset and cat. And walk. Today must have made sense in Your world if not in mine.
Music this one song A beautiful lie by KeeMo - yes, I have crumbled under the sadness and the obligation to be "good" and "pious".... I suffer, I know that.
At least I can release the need to judge others. I am as disrespectful and lack conviction the way they do. I am blinded again... I am a skank, just as they are.
No difference, perhaps a little sadder because I haven't had a single guy who would want to deflower me, so I’ve had to do it myself. At 27 and 1/2 years old, I popped my own cherry.
I honestly thought I was better than that, succumbing to that. I guess not. And if I post this on my blog... oh dear me. There's honesty and then there's indecency.
I trust You shall help me cover up my sins.
Trying to connect to my wi-fi on sunday night reminds me of karachi and trying to get basic internet. All those years ago. I was more humble then, less time to make mistakes, more convinced... of my own decrepitude, of religion, of who I thought I was, a nothing...
I was convinced that the next time I overdosed would end it all...
I am glad I didn't - if only it was to experience romantic love, and the kind of love that Sidra and Tazeen exude that still confounds me. And all these lovely cats. And people and energetic healing and the chance to finally help Sidra... and they anticipation of a true marriage one day soon.... this year...
I always say it, don't I? This year x,y,z I ask You for... and then it always turns out the way You plan.
I don't want to ask for marriage and love by this time next year. What if it doesn't happen... like it didn't happen this year? Or last year... but then You did heal me from my depression, even if I feel slight flashbacks right now, it's just so You can help me clear it for good. The guilt, the karma. Please.
Sometimes I have to chuckle. Exactly how much of this stuff did I allow myself to programme into? How can I allow myself to waste all of this?
Flowers, she told me. You're blessing me with flowers into the crown... and I can choose to accept them... but she also said they are to be given to others... that's why they are being given to me...
What are these flowers? Show me my gifts, my talents? I am numb.
I am tired and trust that sleep shall allow me to process. I forgot all that I learnt in three years. Flick of the fingers and gone. Flicker of my eyes and please return.
Michael and Ariel and Hazriel: please remove Imran from me.
I am so tired of this childlike behaviour and these emotions that keep coming up over the same person... GOD!!!!
And he never even loved me, doesn't like or respect me and I never even met him!!!! So wth????????
He's a ghost of a man anyway - no feelings, he's suppressed the hurt for so long, it's going to be shit painful if he ever allows them to heal - which I assume he is if he popped into my energy and healed his childhood, ages 2, 4, 7 and then a mass family healing.... it had better work for me too... so I can become a better person and help more people.
That's all what this is about. Love and assistance. And healing. Solving problems, enhancing life.
So where does all this anger come from? Repressed emotions, I didn't express them in an appropriate manner and now....
Things fall apart. I never did read that... when was the last novel I read? Enjoyed?
How does it get any better than this??????????????????
I don't know what to do.
Show me Allah, make me really GET what lessons and what I need to do or become or let go of or embrace so that he no longer haunts me... he is haunting me in my thoughts and in my new relationships.... I am so scared of letting any man get close to me... what intimacy I shared with you Imran - I am so scared of repeating the pattern I started with you, with Umair actually and then I ripped myself to shreds on your thorny cold shoulders...
I made beautiful poetry through the pain, but only once my mangled heart deigned to heal.
My vocabulary is now permanently dyed with your sweet, caressing words, your harsh, spurious blurbs...
little one, enjoy, enjoy spending time with you, domi, that smile is making a permanent mark -
when was the last time I smiled? I smile - and I also smile when I think of the things this love for you opened up in me... so what do I do?
Sometimes you come across as so weird that I wonder how on earth I chose you to fall in love with... and I keep clutching onto this kaizer soze, this dark knight, this selfish and naive man who didn't even have to do a single thing - that's what's so saddening - you didn't do a thing.
Nothing. You distanced yourself from the beginning, how does someone like me ever have a chance?
All the complaints you had about me, I have about you.... I need to accept this until I am ready to let it go. Please stop coming into my energy - obsession is so unattractive a quality in me. I totally maltreated Osama because I saw myself repeating the pattern and what's worse, he isn't even contesting and why would I mention you to him? Why? And then I mention your stupid MW3 on PS3 and he goes and gets it a few days later AND oh dear God posts up his avatar on FB.
What do I need to know that once I know it I will be able to release all these trial run males from my energy and open up my life to my true husband, lover, friend, spouse, fellow lightworker, soul mate and perhaps even twin flame?
I am good enough - it really doesn't matter - nothing matters. I make meaning and create my reality. I am loved, regardless of the pain and chaos I created... you created it as much as I did by your fears, just as I did with mine... leave me be - I need to be free from this.
Show me the ways out from the pattern of overeating and release this punishment energy from my being for GOOD please...
My heart feels so sad. So so sad. I create karma each day, allow me to become the best version of myself in each moment. I can not feel joy. Or love. or sacrifice. Or compassion. When was the last time I helped someone who needed me?
Nothing matters. They don't need me. I could call but it's all the same 3D stuff. I can't relate to it these days. Even blogging and reading has lost meaning, as has.... ooh she is a beaut. An absolute beaut.
Yesterday was pretty awesome, God. Aunty Aziza and wi-fi and Sunset and cat. And walk. Today must have made sense in Your world if not in mine.
Music this one song A beautiful lie by KeeMo - yes, I have crumbled under the sadness and the obligation to be "good" and "pious".... I suffer, I know that.
At least I can release the need to judge others. I am as disrespectful and lack conviction the way they do. I am blinded again... I am a skank, just as they are.
No difference, perhaps a little sadder because I haven't had a single guy who would want to deflower me, so I’ve had to do it myself. At 27 and 1/2 years old, I popped my own cherry.
I honestly thought I was better than that, succumbing to that. I guess not. And if I post this on my blog... oh dear me. There's honesty and then there's indecency.
I trust You shall help me cover up my sins.
Trying to connect to my wi-fi on sunday night reminds me of karachi and trying to get basic internet. All those years ago. I was more humble then, less time to make mistakes, more convinced... of my own decrepitude, of religion, of who I thought I was, a nothing...
I was convinced that the next time I overdosed would end it all...
I am glad I didn't - if only it was to experience romantic love, and the kind of love that Sidra and Tazeen exude that still confounds me. And all these lovely cats. And people and energetic healing and the chance to finally help Sidra... and they anticipation of a true marriage one day soon.... this year...
I always say it, don't I? This year x,y,z I ask You for... and then it always turns out the way You plan.
I don't want to ask for marriage and love by this time next year. What if it doesn't happen... like it didn't happen this year? Or last year... but then You did heal me from my depression, even if I feel slight flashbacks right now, it's just so You can help me clear it for good. The guilt, the karma. Please.
Sometimes I have to chuckle. Exactly how much of this stuff did I allow myself to programme into? How can I allow myself to waste all of this?
Flowers, she told me. You're blessing me with flowers into the crown... and I can choose to accept them... but she also said they are to be given to others... that's why they are being given to me...
What are these flowers? Show me my gifts, my talents? I am numb.
I am tired and trust that sleep shall allow me to process. I forgot all that I learnt in three years. Flick of the fingers and gone. Flicker of my eyes and please return.
Michael and Ariel and Hazriel: please remove Imran from me.
I am so tired of this childlike behaviour and these emotions that keep coming up over the same person... GOD!!!!
And he never even loved me, doesn't like or respect me and I never even met him!!!! So wth????????
He's a ghost of a man anyway - no feelings, he's suppressed the hurt for so long, it's going to be shit painful if he ever allows them to heal - which I assume he is if he popped into my energy and healed his childhood, ages 2, 4, 7 and then a mass family healing.... it had better work for me too... so I can become a better person and help more people.
That's all what this is about. Love and assistance. And healing. Solving problems, enhancing life.
So where does all this anger come from? Repressed emotions, I didn't express them in an appropriate manner and now....
Things fall apart. I never did read that... when was the last novel I read? Enjoyed?
How does it get any better than this??????????????????
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