Make me very, very strong,
for I feel very, very weak right now.
Defeated.
This mean human existence weighs down on me,
Thou hast broken my back.
Again!
I laugh bitterly.
Yet again!
I struggle in vain; all seems dark and futile.
There is pain,
Disillusion
Darkness and blocks
Obstacles that Thou refuseth to remove from within and
from without
There is the suffering of attachement
that I still remain attached to,
All the things that I destroy
resurface
in full vengeance.
I am still attached
To the ignorance, the doubts,
the fears and the lower base emotions
of anger, jealousy, envy, resentment, attachment,
of inordinate desires,
despair, apathy, confusion
A sense of loss and of being lost.
Ridiculed.
Forsaken.
It has all resurfaced
Again?
Again?
I stain my hands
as I juggle with memories
of the past.
My face has festering scars;
indelible.
I scratch at it
Frenetic in my desire to
OBLITERATE
any remaining sign...
That I still exist,
remain here
the same as last year
and the year before that.
What has changed within me?
All is the same.
Thou hast truly bound my hands
and so I remain
until Thou showeth me how to leave
all of this behind
To die the desired deaths
I need to experience before
my body
disintegrates
in a gravelly pit
and then burst aflame,
and transmutes
me into Thee.
Release me from this bondage
Release me from this wrethced human existence
I cannot take it any more!
Such revulsion and abandonment from You?
I never expected it from You.
And yet, I cannot blame Thee for Your judgement upon me.
Thy desires are hardly ever
Mine.
And yet, if after all of this,
I still am where I am
I still am who I am;
It is unacceptable
I deserveth not Thy mercy,
nor dost I deserve Thy clemency
End it.
I am lost.
I have lost.
Thou hast truly made me of the losers.
And that is Thy truth.
All other thoughts, hopes and indications
have been
delusion,
illusion,
maya.
They all lied to me.
Why does that surprise me still?
I disintegrate.
None can stand such disdain, digust, revulsion...
Absolute abandonment from their Lord.
I am no diamond that need be polished.
My core is rotten:
Thou hast made me of the earth
That part which cannot be redeemed
That part which Thou hast cursed until eternity
for forgetting,
for forgetting after having been reminded,
for slipping, stumbling
for
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
I have allowed him to break my spirit
Just as my mother allowed him before me.
And each day I stay paralysed here
Absorbing the disrespect and hatred
Violence and crude, base animalism
that emanate from
the patriarch
le Père,
the root:
I die another death.
My soul is bent on being destroyed.
why else do I perpetuate this?
I rejected Thy plans, so there is no complaint
as Thou dost the same to me.
Release me
release me from my bonds to Thee.
Disintegrate each lost fragment of my soul...
Annihilate.
Destroy.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
There is no Soul Plan,
no Master Plan,
no mystical journey or purpose.
How would they know a thing about me,
when I do not know myself?
I went so ar as to ensure
that even my name would propel me
into inexplicable carnage,
the wrenching,
the pulling to pieces a delicate, frail,
miserable creature.
On the surface,
it appears to them that
Thou cradled me in Thy arms,
for that was the protection I needed.
On the surface,
I am doomed to an existence of
ingratitude for All That Is.
And now, I have to change the names that they call me.
I cannot take anymore.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
How much darkness can a heart
absorb over the lifetimes
only for it to then be
squeezed out
mercilessly
in the name of
healing?
Penury.
O woe be thee pitiful,
peculiar
parasite.
Dismember me.
These hands no longer serve,
Use them against me
As I beat my head relentlessly
To make them stop in their rabid judgements.
And let me thrash my thighs to ensure
I progress no further
along this fractured,
torturous,
inconceivable,
worthless
existence.
These eyes never did serve me.
Gauge them out completely
Since I cannot see
that which they all can clearly see.
How dare you give them knowledge about me,
my life,
my purpose
whilst Thou leaves me
blind
both spiritually and
physically?
Fumbling forever in the dark.
And they all crawl, creep or soar.
This heart
impenetrable,
foolish,
unfathomable.
Deceitful
oh so deceitful,
it pulls me this way,
then that,
and, after all of this,
there is nothing
to show for this
Time
wasted.
All is the same.
Carve it out,
stamp on it,
crush it for good.
It feels too much.
It hates the vessel that houses it
whilst reaching to bring
healing
all because of a label
it attached itself to.
Healer.
All is perfect,
there is absolutely nothing to heal
anymore.
There never was.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
You claim,
that I am powerful,
through their gifts and words, so why do You make me scrape my yellow underbelly
on myriad shards of cowardice?
On some days,
I cannot even manifest
joy in my heart.
And these others are visited
by the gods.
They fly to all places of Thy hallowed earth,
transmuting,
they readily create that which they
know is for them.
The golden waterfalls shower upon them
all they need and desire,
for they know
and I do not.
The violet flame
transforms them on all levels.
Thou loveth them Infinitely.
Never would they dare to consider
pummelling their heads
with a thick-bottomed
saucepan,
trying to bleed oneself
comatose.
They respect themselves too much to stoop that low.
And I smoulder,
and oilily slink back into my crevice.
I return to the underworld
and fling my soul
into Mnemonsyne's chamber
and embrace
my ignorance and isolation:
perpetuated,
welcomed,
still torturous,
but the pain soon shifts into
numbness.
On days like this
I deprive myself of
sunshine.
disintegrate,
annihilate,
destroy.
disintegrate
into the original ignorance
I fought so hard to
penetrate with Thy Light and Gentleness
So futile an attempt!
All who mattered have all gone,
the life I desired has evaporated as a mist
and I have lost myself
and I have lost the faith.
I have given it away
to them, since they are the true
guardians of Thy Trust.
It is no longer sustainable.
I abstain;
I cannot be blamed!
I tried
so
so
so
much!
Make it easy for me.
Make me normal,
twist me into the shape that fits in this world.
Or destroy me in the most Divine manner.
I cannot take it anymore.
Cannot You see this?
Cannot You feel this?
Can you not shed a tear?
Dost not Thy throne tremble at such a pitiful sight?
Have Thee no mercy?
I may be the most pitiable of Thy creatures,
so where is Thy pity?
Annihilate.
This diamond has shattered from within.
She was of the poorest quality,
lower than zirconium.
How didst Thou expect her to stand such
fire and heat?
Such harshness.
Her innards crave interrment in the soothing peat,
near the children,
under a virile tree on some grassy knoll.
Disintegrated.
I have nothing
I am that Nothing I desperately sought to avoid
Becoming.
Take the abortionist's sterilised needle
and plunge it into the
burgeoning Life I secretly nurtured
and jealously guarded
in my belly.
It will never be able to survive this
world Thou hast fashioned
in My likeness.
All this is easily replaced!
I am so readily replaced!
It is easy for Thee.
I could have been anybody.
Follow through with Thy threat!
disintegrate
destroy
a n n i h i l a t e
for I feel very, very weak right now.
Defeated.
This mean human existence weighs down on me,
Thou hast broken my back.
Again!
I laugh bitterly.
Yet again!
I struggle in vain; all seems dark and futile.
There is pain,
Disillusion
Darkness and blocks
Obstacles that Thou refuseth to remove from within and
from without
There is the suffering of attachement
that I still remain attached to,
All the things that I destroy
resurface
in full vengeance.
I am still attached
To the ignorance, the doubts,
the fears and the lower base emotions
of anger, jealousy, envy, resentment, attachment,
of inordinate desires,
despair, apathy, confusion
A sense of loss and of being lost.
Ridiculed.
Forsaken.
It has all resurfaced
Again?
Again?
I stain my hands
as I juggle with memories
of the past.
My face has festering scars;
indelible.
I scratch at it
Frenetic in my desire to
OBLITERATE
any remaining sign...
That I still exist,
remain here
the same as last year
and the year before that.
What has changed within me?
All is the same.
Thou hast truly bound my hands
and so I remain
until Thou showeth me how to leave
all of this behind
To die the desired deaths
I need to experience before
my body
disintegrates
in a gravelly pit
and then burst aflame,
and transmutes
me into Thee.
Release me from this bondage
Release me from this wrethced human existence
I cannot take it any more!
Such revulsion and abandonment from You?
I never expected it from You.
And yet, I cannot blame Thee for Your judgement upon me.
Thy desires are hardly ever
Mine.
And yet, if after all of this,
I still am where I am
I still am who I am;
It is unacceptable
I deserveth not Thy mercy,
nor dost I deserve Thy clemency
End it.
I am lost.
I have lost.
Thou hast truly made me of the losers.
And that is Thy truth.
All other thoughts, hopes and indications
have been
delusion,
illusion,
maya.
They all lied to me.
Why does that surprise me still?
I disintegrate.
None can stand such disdain, digust, revulsion...
Absolute abandonment from their Lord.
I am no diamond that need be polished.
My core is rotten:
Thou hast made me of the earth
That part which cannot be redeemed
That part which Thou hast cursed until eternity
for forgetting,
for forgetting after having been reminded,
for slipping, stumbling
for
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
I have allowed him to break my spirit
Just as my mother allowed him before me.
And each day I stay paralysed here
Absorbing the disrespect and hatred
Violence and crude, base animalism
that emanate from
the patriarch
le Père,
the root:
I die another death.
My soul is bent on being destroyed.
why else do I perpetuate this?
I rejected Thy plans, so there is no complaint
as Thou dost the same to me.
Release me
release me from my bonds to Thee.
Disintegrate each lost fragment of my soul...
Annihilate.
Destroy.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
There is no Soul Plan,
no Master Plan,
no mystical journey or purpose.
How would they know a thing about me,
when I do not know myself?
I went so ar as to ensure
that even my name would propel me
into inexplicable carnage,
the wrenching,
the pulling to pieces a delicate, frail,
miserable creature.
On the surface,
it appears to them that
Thou cradled me in Thy arms,
for that was the protection I needed.
On the surface,
I am doomed to an existence of
ingratitude for All That Is.
And now, I have to change the names that they call me.
I cannot take anymore.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
How much darkness can a heart
absorb over the lifetimes
only for it to then be
squeezed out
mercilessly
in the name of
healing?
Penury.
O woe be thee pitiful,
peculiar
parasite.
Dismember me.
These hands no longer serve,
Use them against me
As I beat my head relentlessly
To make them stop in their rabid judgements.
And let me thrash my thighs to ensure
I progress no further
along this fractured,
torturous,
inconceivable,
worthless
existence.
These eyes never did serve me.
Gauge them out completely
Since I cannot see
that which they all can clearly see.
How dare you give them knowledge about me,
my life,
my purpose
whilst Thou leaves me
blind
both spiritually and
physically?
Fumbling forever in the dark.
And they all crawl, creep or soar.
This heart
impenetrable,
foolish,
unfathomable.
Deceitful
oh so deceitful,
it pulls me this way,
then that,
and, after all of this,
there is nothing
to show for this
Time
wasted.
All is the same.
Carve it out,
stamp on it,
crush it for good.
It feels too much.
It hates the vessel that houses it
whilst reaching to bring
healing
all because of a label
it attached itself to.
Healer.
All is perfect,
there is absolutely nothing to heal
anymore.
There never was.
Disintegrate.
Annihilate.
Destroy.
You claim,
that I am powerful,
through their gifts and words, so why do You make me scrape my yellow underbelly
on myriad shards of cowardice?
On some days,
I cannot even manifest
joy in my heart.
And these others are visited
by the gods.
They fly to all places of Thy hallowed earth,
transmuting,
they readily create that which they
know is for them.
The golden waterfalls shower upon them
all they need and desire,
for they know
and I do not.
The violet flame
transforms them on all levels.
Thou loveth them Infinitely.
Never would they dare to consider
pummelling their heads
with a thick-bottomed
saucepan,
trying to bleed oneself
comatose.
They respect themselves too much to stoop that low.
And I smoulder,
and oilily slink back into my crevice.
I return to the underworld
and fling my soul
into Mnemonsyne's chamber
and embrace
my ignorance and isolation:
perpetuated,
welcomed,
still torturous,
but the pain soon shifts into
numbness.
On days like this
I deprive myself of
sunshine.
disintegrate,
annihilate,
destroy.
disintegrate
into the original ignorance
I fought so hard to
penetrate with Thy Light and Gentleness
So futile an attempt!
All who mattered have all gone,
the life I desired has evaporated as a mist
and I have lost myself
and I have lost the faith.
I have given it away
to them, since they are the true
guardians of Thy Trust.
It is no longer sustainable.
I abstain;
I cannot be blamed!
I tried
so
so
so
much!
Make it easy for me.
Make me normal,
twist me into the shape that fits in this world.
Or destroy me in the most Divine manner.
I cannot take it anymore.
Cannot You see this?
Cannot You feel this?
Can you not shed a tear?
Dost not Thy throne tremble at such a pitiful sight?
Have Thee no mercy?
I may be the most pitiable of Thy creatures,
so where is Thy pity?
Annihilate.
This diamond has shattered from within.
She was of the poorest quality,
lower than zirconium.
How didst Thou expect her to stand such
fire and heat?
Such harshness.
Her innards crave interrment in the soothing peat,
near the children,
under a virile tree on some grassy knoll.
Disintegrated.
I have nothing
I am that Nothing I desperately sought to avoid
Becoming.
Take the abortionist's sterilised needle
and plunge it into the
burgeoning Life I secretly nurtured
and jealously guarded
in my belly.
It will never be able to survive this
world Thou hast fashioned
in My likeness.
All this is easily replaced!
I am so readily replaced!
It is easy for Thee.
I could have been anybody.
Follow through with Thy threat!
disintegrate
destroy
a n n i h i l a t e
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