Reposting from O Healer, heal Thyself
She tells me to close my eyes and take in a few deep, cleansing breaths.
I imagine him in front of me - as handsome, attractive and Beautiful as ever - I can feel the tugging on my solar plexus and my heart energy centres as we both work on completely releasing all remaining cords and attachments that attach me to him - I'm supposed to ask myself what are the core, underlying reasons or issues that allow me to hook into him and him into me - months after there is no contact and no encouragement or remainder fondness from him - I don't exist in his world
But it's so bloody painful having to let him go, consciously choosing to let those who wish to leave, leave my life as we've both served the purposes and reasons that drew us together in the first place
To not cling onto self-created memories of a mythical connection and romance
My heart literally feels the tugs as the last remnants of the attachment are released - I have to do it, it is the only way forward - once he is "done and dusted", I can attract the higher vibrating soul mate into my life who will choose to accept, love, trust, honour, cherish and marry me for who I am
She asks me how I'm feeling and I tell her that, in essence, I am gutted
what I can't seem to articulate to myself at the time is that I still can't seem to let go of him emotionally and energetically - I'm acting like a bloody penguin,crab or seahorse - thinking that the first person to walk into my life and heart "should" be the one I am bound to for all eternity - that my intensely emotional awakening is all due to him, so why can't it just be him?
I feel I am being disloyal to him, dishonouring and betraying the way I though I had chosen to lead my life: first love, only love, for life
Reality, of course, shows me an entirely different set of circumstances
Living in your head again, m'dear!
And so, my fellow energy worker tells me a method she's used before:
Imagine him quickly walking towards a door
I imagine him hugging me, smiling, giving me a cheeky wink, then I kiss his closed eyelids and forehead, mess up his hair with love and fondness, hug him back tightly and for a very long time (since I never actually met him in real life) and then, yes, he turns around and walks towards that door (Craig David's voice crooning in the background, of course!)
He opens the door, looks back, sends another wave from his higher self (since everything's One and all okay between us on the spiritual level), mouths "I do love you on the soul and spirit level, that's why it was me who hurt you so much - look at you now, see all you've learnt and who you're blossoming into! Look at how you're choosing love, hope and joy over fear, anger and resentment now! Maybe we'll choose differently in the next lifetime!", sends me a flying kiss and another wink and then he firmly shuts the door behind him
I then force myself to lock the door, burn the key in a sacred flame and he does the same on the other side
The door then disappears - all images are made to fade to black
That was three entire months ago - six entire months after the relationship was ended so abruptly and it's taken me this long to finally heal and gain closure and walk away from what is firmly "no longer relevant" - almost (hey, I'm choosing to be authentic to myself - always)
If I look at the clear night sky and gaze at the stars or listen to any Tracy Chapman song or watch young men playing a football game or cricket match in the park or if snippets of the shared conversations and jokes and ponderings come back to my mind and all of that brings a sweet, nostalgic, heart-opening fond smile to my lips, I let it be - so what if he didn't have a heart open enough to choose to reply to the final, heartfelt apology that I emailed him earlier this month and doesn't want to try out the entire "platonic friend" thing again, clearly evident from the short, business-like email he did have the kindness to send?
He did, however, mention that I "seem softer and more open than before", so I guess that counts for something :P
Soul mates are soul mates - every single thread my heart still holds onto are my memories of how good it can get - for future reference, something to hold out for and hope for - and maybe there's still a tad more to let go of *shrugs*
All in good time :)
In my ideal world, I'd just immediately replace my first crash-test dummy (said tongue-in-cheek to mask the
bittersweet tuggings on the emotions) with an upgraded, emotionally aware and aware version and yet, I know that I need to be that emotionally aware and mature person who is totally in love with herself and has let the past to completely vanish and not taint the present and has fully become aware of the learnings and the lessons and chooses the higher path in all her current relationships and situations, and has the courage to make the necessary changes - then things shall start making more sense - perhaps
This is the first instance, an illustration of the point that I'm making
They see me! I exist!
Last night, in my hypnagogic state - a result of mixing the consumption of green tea with tiramasu (Punjabi pre-wedding dholki or singing and drumming evening) earlier that evening, the entire past year's experiences and realisations and teachings all merged into one theme:
The only way to unstick myself is to truly allow myself to be seen in entirety, allow my true essence shine and play my true role
For 26 years, I absorbed that which was not me in order to fit in and be nondescript
During the Level 3 of Energetic NLP, it finally came to me during one healing:
"They see me! I exist!"
Yeah, now it seems funny, but it was truly a breakthrough to me then
Question is: do I see me? Do I exist for myself? Do I belong to myself and solely so?
The temptation to climb back into the non-serving patterns of "surviving" life and the survival techniques that
were useful as a child is great
The temptation is to assume that life and the healing of it is linear, a straight path, that by boxing and classifying things in order to make sense of them makes it easier - the only thing that does is perpetaute my current level of ignorance and frustration and constricted manner of survival
I walk away from
So, what else did I decide to walk away from last night, high on caffeine?
The details shall be revealed as I transform my life, as I prove it through transforming myself and my life into one that I love and shall be proud to look back upon
Just for today, I walk away from all that which blocks my creativity, my true voice and I continue to write my truth for myself - herein lies the result!
I walk away from judgement, non-acceptance of my current life situation, and the shame at publishing this post at 1 pm instead of being "normal" and holding a full time job (or any job, for that matter!)
I walk away from all the people and groups that treat me in a way that is disrespectful and the opposite of love and kindness and honour and dignity and respect and unity and basic courtesy- and that includes everyone in my family
I deserve a heck of a lot better because I am as worthwhile as the next person, in fact I am good and kind and have a lot to offer and if you can't appreciate that simple truth, then I have no need for you to be in my life - I honour myself and I protect myself from the hurt that comes as a result of this, including when others disapprove of my slant on things
I am the only one truly aware of how these somewhat toxic relationships and connections make me die from within
My desire to make amends and fix things that are no longer meant to be is an old, personality-based trait (INFP) and it seems to be the case in general that things fall apart so that better things have the space to fall together in perfect order
I walk away from the default position of hiding my true self from the (perceived) disapproving world as I now realise that the purpose of any one of us is to truly shine and be truly seen for the wonderful and variable colours and lights and blessings to the world that we ALL are
A swan playing the role of a duck is really only deluding herself in the face of truths that are smacking her from everywhere!
I chose to walk away from doing that, as only I suffer and judge and crumble under my different guises
And I walk away from every single remaining attachment to the past - which is everything up until this current moment
*gulps, shakes it off, takes a deep breath and walks away into the void, sashaying to Craig David's velvety and very sexy voice*
She tells me to close my eyes and take in a few deep, cleansing breaths.
I imagine him in front of me - as handsome, attractive and Beautiful as ever - I can feel the tugging on my solar plexus and my heart energy centres as we both work on completely releasing all remaining cords and attachments that attach me to him - I'm supposed to ask myself what are the core, underlying reasons or issues that allow me to hook into him and him into me - months after there is no contact and no encouragement or remainder fondness from him - I don't exist in his world
But it's so bloody painful having to let him go, consciously choosing to let those who wish to leave, leave my life as we've both served the purposes and reasons that drew us together in the first place
To not cling onto self-created memories of a mythical connection and romance
My heart literally feels the tugs as the last remnants of the attachment are released - I have to do it, it is the only way forward - once he is "done and dusted", I can attract the higher vibrating soul mate into my life who will choose to accept, love, trust, honour, cherish and marry me for who I am
She asks me how I'm feeling and I tell her that, in essence, I am gutted
what I can't seem to articulate to myself at the time is that I still can't seem to let go of him emotionally and energetically - I'm acting like a bloody penguin,crab or seahorse - thinking that the first person to walk into my life and heart "should" be the one I am bound to for all eternity - that my intensely emotional awakening is all due to him, so why can't it just be him?
I feel I am being disloyal to him, dishonouring and betraying the way I though I had chosen to lead my life: first love, only love, for life
Reality, of course, shows me an entirely different set of circumstances
Living in your head again, m'dear!
And so, my fellow energy worker tells me a method she's used before:
Imagine him quickly walking towards a door
I imagine him hugging me, smiling, giving me a cheeky wink, then I kiss his closed eyelids and forehead, mess up his hair with love and fondness, hug him back tightly and for a very long time (since I never actually met him in real life) and then, yes, he turns around and walks towards that door (Craig David's voice crooning in the background, of course!)
He opens the door, looks back, sends another wave from his higher self (since everything's One and all okay between us on the spiritual level), mouths "I do love you on the soul and spirit level, that's why it was me who hurt you so much - look at you now, see all you've learnt and who you're blossoming into! Look at how you're choosing love, hope and joy over fear, anger and resentment now! Maybe we'll choose differently in the next lifetime!", sends me a flying kiss and another wink and then he firmly shuts the door behind him
I then force myself to lock the door, burn the key in a sacred flame and he does the same on the other side
The door then disappears - all images are made to fade to black
That was three entire months ago - six entire months after the relationship was ended so abruptly and it's taken me this long to finally heal and gain closure and walk away from what is firmly "no longer relevant" - almost (hey, I'm choosing to be authentic to myself - always)
If I look at the clear night sky and gaze at the stars or listen to any Tracy Chapman song or watch young men playing a football game or cricket match in the park or if snippets of the shared conversations and jokes and ponderings come back to my mind and all of that brings a sweet, nostalgic, heart-opening fond smile to my lips, I let it be - so what if he didn't have a heart open enough to choose to reply to the final, heartfelt apology that I emailed him earlier this month and doesn't want to try out the entire "platonic friend" thing again, clearly evident from the short, business-like email he did have the kindness to send?
He did, however, mention that I "seem softer and more open than before", so I guess that counts for something :P
Soul mates are soul mates - every single thread my heart still holds onto are my memories of how good it can get - for future reference, something to hold out for and hope for - and maybe there's still a tad more to let go of *shrugs*
All in good time :)
In my ideal world, I'd just immediately replace my first crash-test dummy (said tongue-in-cheek to mask the
bittersweet tuggings on the emotions) with an upgraded, emotionally aware and aware version and yet, I know that I need to be that emotionally aware and mature person who is totally in love with herself and has let the past to completely vanish and not taint the present and has fully become aware of the learnings and the lessons and chooses the higher path in all her current relationships and situations, and has the courage to make the necessary changes - then things shall start making more sense - perhaps
This is the first instance, an illustration of the point that I'm making
They see me! I exist!
Last night, in my hypnagogic state - a result of mixing the consumption of green tea with tiramasu (Punjabi pre-wedding dholki or singing and drumming evening) earlier that evening, the entire past year's experiences and realisations and teachings all merged into one theme:
The only way to unstick myself is to truly allow myself to be seen in entirety, allow my true essence shine and play my true role
For 26 years, I absorbed that which was not me in order to fit in and be nondescript
During the Level 3 of Energetic NLP, it finally came to me during one healing:
"They see me! I exist!"
Yeah, now it seems funny, but it was truly a breakthrough to me then
Question is: do I see me? Do I exist for myself? Do I belong to myself and solely so?
The temptation to climb back into the non-serving patterns of "surviving" life and the survival techniques that
were useful as a child is great
The temptation is to assume that life and the healing of it is linear, a straight path, that by boxing and classifying things in order to make sense of them makes it easier - the only thing that does is perpetaute my current level of ignorance and frustration and constricted manner of survival
I walk away from
So, what else did I decide to walk away from last night, high on caffeine?
The details shall be revealed as I transform my life, as I prove it through transforming myself and my life into one that I love and shall be proud to look back upon
Just for today, I walk away from all that which blocks my creativity, my true voice and I continue to write my truth for myself - herein lies the result!
I walk away from judgement, non-acceptance of my current life situation, and the shame at publishing this post at 1 pm instead of being "normal" and holding a full time job (or any job, for that matter!)
I walk away from all the people and groups that treat me in a way that is disrespectful and the opposite of love and kindness and honour and dignity and respect and unity and basic courtesy- and that includes everyone in my family
I deserve a heck of a lot better because I am as worthwhile as the next person, in fact I am good and kind and have a lot to offer and if you can't appreciate that simple truth, then I have no need for you to be in my life - I honour myself and I protect myself from the hurt that comes as a result of this, including when others disapprove of my slant on things
I am the only one truly aware of how these somewhat toxic relationships and connections make me die from within
My desire to make amends and fix things that are no longer meant to be is an old, personality-based trait (INFP) and it seems to be the case in general that things fall apart so that better things have the space to fall together in perfect order
I walk away from the default position of hiding my true self from the (perceived) disapproving world as I now realise that the purpose of any one of us is to truly shine and be truly seen for the wonderful and variable colours and lights and blessings to the world that we ALL are
A swan playing the role of a duck is really only deluding herself in the face of truths that are smacking her from everywhere!
I chose to walk away from doing that, as only I suffer and judge and crumble under my different guises
And I walk away from every single remaining attachment to the past - which is everything up until this current moment
*gulps, shakes it off, takes a deep breath and walks away into the void, sashaying to Craig David's velvety and very sexy voice*
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