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I started freaking out last night after watching the news about the rioting. Prayed salaat, and felt a little better after sending healing and du'a. Then again, this morning, felt scared to go out for my appointment with Mark the employment advisor dude. He had asked me to go in to Sutton.
Also, just sad that people have lost their businesses and their homes... and now have read that a man died from the Croydon riots last night.
And also, really sad to see that the people who are doing this are in nasha and in the dark - and that I am no better than they... because they are my shadow. Our society's shadow rising to the surface, so we can deal with it appropriately this time, one hopes.
Olive sent a mass email this morning: she and Di had arranged for a special Change The world session in the evening for the UK. Felt such a sense of peace after reading it - peace, peace, peace... salaam! Yes, I can finally do something about it.
HMV had one window smashed. I went into the pet shop after meeting Mark, and started getting scared for the kittens and the birds and puppies and the rats.... then I sent them healing and protection and told Allah to deal with it.
Just kept sending peace thoughts everywhere. And managed to calm myself down.
Tried to catch a bargain or two in the clothes shops - my clothes need serious updating - but with the fasting, I wasn't in the best of moods and with the shopkeepers boarding up their windows and actually closing their shops at 2pm... and the general public getting antsy and freaked to perhaps the point of hysteria (man, all my A Level Sociology readings are coming forth again... mob mentality, how they form.. etc and of course, now with the energetic knowledge I have, it makes so much sense!)... no clothes shopping to be done.
Got a tree to help me ground and then took the bus home.
Did the peace healing and meditation and feel good. Although spent the rest of the evening in front of the PC.
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During my ENLP call last Friday, I caved and asked them to give me insight as to - if the "person from the past is really in the past", why is he still cropping up for me and why do I still have hope?
Anne S. said that there is a major learning coming through and to open my heart to let it in - and that let it come to me naturally over the next few weeks. And then she said "it's not what you think it is" and I had an inner monologue "ha ha, if it was, then I would have already learnt it, n'est-ce pas? I wouldn't be angsting over some man-boy, irrespective of how lovely he actually is, if I had done all the learning that was to be done with this particular soul-mate."
Di said to acknowledge how much I have already accomplished. And that I know everything (to which I silently added: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I know EVVVVVERYYYYTHIINNNNNGGGGGG!!!!)
And to bring in fun and love energies... as I take things too seriously (as we all do) and that slows the flow of energies, transformation and manifestation.... sigh, don't you think I know that? I'm also Ms Eeyore and you see where I have manifested my life to, don't you? If I could do it, I would.... wouldn't I? *Sukaina is confused*
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Did do one good thing. Replying to my inundated inbox (ha, never thought I'd say that, although half of the emails are FB and email subscriptions - not real emails)... and this is an email I ended up typing out to a new acquaintance earlier this evening. The realisation came to me last night after my Isha salaat...
finally, the learning is coming in. Finally, dammit, finally.... after all those dreams and all those pitying looks and emails from friends and life coaches... lessons to be learned, lessons to be learned... and I assumed they would be mystical and magical learnings, in some runic script and Elvish tongue that would need great wizards and soothsayers of yore to help me solve the conundrum.
All of my so-called lessons which I have already learned and typed up and repeated until they have been embedded into my neurons are vital, and yet are not the real, complete learnings.
This is finally one of the bigger ones..... and it's actually a heck of a lot simpler than I assumed it would be. And logical, oh so damned logical I could cry (well, more than I already have, but that would waste many more moments of my life over what has past... :p).
Dear _____,
How are you? How is life? Blah blah blah....(okay, okay, I added this for comical relief!)
I came to a realisation yesterday... it's been a long time in coming. At least it finally came.
I was crying on the prayer mat (as one usually does when weak from fasting ;-) ). And it hit me. I mean, I've known this forever intellectually, I've read all this stuff and I know it, but I think this time I truly know it:
I have firstly put everyone in my life on some sort of pedestal - they know better than I do, they are better than I am, and they know how I should lead my life - when they most certainly do not and never even asked for me to give them that power or idol worship them in that way.
I have been in love with Imran for an entire year and this has shown how yet again, I have made someone else to be my God and not God Himself. My trust in God is weak, my trust in myself is weak.
And until I understand that NOBODY except Allah should ever have that place in my heart, that love, that connection, then that means that I have failed.
I am deceiving myself.
That I lack that much trust in Allah, that He has promised that I shall marry the best possible person for me and that each event and each day and every single happening that happens is for the best... and I still don't trust...
That people are fallible and always will be.... even the ones you love and admire the most... and only God isn't.
Can you imagine, my marrying someone I put ahead of Allah? My being friends with someone I put ahead of God? My putting any single person ahead of God in my heart?
How would any sort of relationship like that help me progress and work? It has no foundation.
I didn't think it was possible, and yesterday I realised: I've been doing it for an entire year!
I've done it in bits and pieces: parents, friends, society, religious ideas, religious scholars, so-called "pious people" or "elders", my own desires, my own ego..... but I never thought I'd ever allow romantic love for a man to overpower my heart and overshadow and become more important than the love of Allah and the trust in Allah in my heart.
For a guy who doesn't control his sustenance or his heartbeat, or knows whether he will lose his job, his family, his health, his life or even his faith in God, tomorrow. For a guy I only knew for a month and a half and when you compare how long Allah has known me for... it wasn't pure love, anyway, it was obsessive love. I kept trying to change him and did not accept him for who he is: limitations and the entire package... neither did he, but that's got nothing to do with me, now does it?
That I apparently still can't see the reality of my situation i.e. he is not in my life and is better off that way as truth and Allah's decision. And that I must be better off for no longer having him in my life.
I pray the Dua for Istekhara most days... and this is what is best - for the both of us.
For him AND for me. And that is all I ever wanted.
Every current situation in my life right now: no job, father is ill, don't have any goals or desire to do anything, no close friends who live near me, no social life, no travelling, not able to continue my education and training, not being able to find my way back to hope and joy sometimes, my general spiritual confusion and lack of inner peace and guidance, inability to understand my life's journey or where I am headed or how to make things work in my favour once again..... and not having a husband so I can form a partnership and have a friend and a soul mate connection and also fulfil my sexual needs in a halal manner and all the rest of it that a marriage entails....
And then, I also the opportunity to live in London, the opportunity to meet cats and ducks and dogs in the park :), the opportunity to not work in Ramadhan and so keep all my fasts, the opportunity to have studied energy healing and to write on my blog and to read all these wonderful things, etc etc etc......
all of it IS actually for the best - for me and for everyone.
Every single thing that is happening to me which I feel "shouldn't" be happening - and it's doing wonders for killing off the part of me that is ego-driven, selfish, mean, cruel, ignorant, pushy, arrogant, envious, jealous, possessive, clingy, judgemental...
Life truly is a long lesson in humility - and God has me on my knees, with my cheeks in the dust and frail body and cracking back and cut skin.... what am I? what is my worth? who am I? where is He leading me?
I'm supposed to be a worthwhile human being and yet, it seems that God needs me to become evermore humble and not have anything I desire... because I then would be too arrogant.
Something for me to think about.
I can't even think of marrying anyone now. I need to figure out how to never let it happen again. I do not want another human being to take over my life again in the manner I have allowed others, and especially Imran, to have done so.
They're just measly human beings, same as you and I... what on Earth do they control, or have, or own? Only their thoughts, intentions, speech and actions... as much as we wish it were different, God holds the cards in His hands and we just observe how they are dealt. And feel the effects of the causes we create: experience karma.
And pray.
Make sure you respect yourself. Always. Live your life in a way so that you are kind and gentle toward yourself, so you can then allow yourself to be that to others. And also live your life from now on with a sense of dignity and self-respect.
You did that the day you told your fiance you wanted to end it.
I did that the day I told Imran to eff off (but then I went simpering back to him and had to let him humiliate me time and again until I got the bloody hint that he couldn't care less).
Dignity,
modesty,
self-respect,
compassion,
love,
integrity,
joy,
smile,
gratitude,
acceptance...
Random email, I know. I was going to delete this second half - but then something told me you needed to read it as much as I needed to type and read it.
Break free from your self-imposed shackles, I'm doing my best each and every day to do that.
Enough is enough.
My ruh is tired of my nafs-e-ammara taking over my life.
Game over, fresh start.
Love,
Suki x
~~~
Pretty impressive realisation for one night of heavy duty reflection, pondering and weeping, eh?
And it's only the 10th of Ramadhan.... twenty more glorious days and nights of Allah's forgiveness and noor and ilham and ma'arifah and all the rest of it to grasp...
And now: rinse and repeat.
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