A temporary setback and I, out of ignorance, begin to despair. Although, perhaps slowing down may be a blessing in disguise because you alone know all the consequences. I know no generous master who is more accommodating to dissatisfied servants, than You are to me.
Oh Lord, You give an invitation, but I turn it down. You become familiar to me, but I do not care for You. You love me, but I do not respond to You, as if I am above You. Yet, you do not abstain from bestowing favours and blessings on me from Your mercy and generosity. So have mercy on Your ignorant servant and be kind to me through the excellence of Your grace. Verily You are Generous and Kind.
Praise be to Allah who has guided us to this; we could not truly have been led aright if Allah had not guided us.
And therein lies the seed of all Truth and Enlightenment. There's no way any of us could have seen the light and gained any knowledge of You, had You not had mercy upon our ignorance.
"In this noble month, in which you have been invited to the divine banquet, if you do not gain insight (ma'arifah) about God the Almighty nor insight into yourself, it means that you have not properly participated in the feast of Allah and failed to observe the etiquette of the feast." ~ Ruhollah Khomeini
I survived the year.
Ramadhan is beckoning.
Part of me wants to sit and recite all those long dua of Imam Ali Zainul Abedeen to welcome the month. I may still do it.
Most of me feels alienated because a heck of a lot has transpired since last year - internal. always internal shifts. On the outside, I am the same. Chaque chose est la même. Rien est changé. And, that's okay. Quoi faire? If I had enough courage, enough guts to do what needs to be done, to make those decisions instead of waiting for a Leo New Moon and then a Ramadhan New Moon and then for tomorrow's ENLP call and then... what other excuses shall I make to myself? Oh, I'm fasting, it's Ramadhan, my dad is sick... etc, etc, etc.
It continues.
Other people who have less resources, less options... SIGH. why am I such an indecisive coward? why do I still refuse to listen to my guidance, inner wisdom, my guidance?
well, I'm off the music for an entire month, InshaAllah, so that will help with the stillness.
Such a hypocrite. Good thing I'm menstruating right now, so it gives me a few extra days to get ready for the 16 hour long fasts. Lovely (not). And praying all the five salaat each and every day. wow, talk about a complete 180 from how I've been leading my life in the rest of the year. HYPOCRITE.
At least, now, I'll remember to lower my gaze, which usually I am quite good at, until these past months of being bored and desperate and pining for some "lack" and having a second chakra reawakening... and I'll pray to Him with conviction about my finding my guy sooner rather than later to help me maintain my chastity and then a continual monogomy after marrying the dude.
Sometimes I wonder... and then that's it. Shhh.
Have a great Ramadhan, peeps. It's going to be interesting for me this year. I have absolutely no benefit to derive from going to the mosque, even on the days Sheikh Arif will be there. I may choose to go one day to listen to Abathar recite the dua; something deep within me moves and bubbles to the surface when I listen to him live or recorded. I'm trusting my dad will be okay with my going one night, otherwise Internet zindabad.
Okay, I'd best get back to the real world and prepare myself thorough meditation and glancing through at least one dua.
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Hey Immy,
Yup. Still thinking of you. Meh. I had considered emailing you to wish you a great Ramadhan, but that's lame and thankfully, my friends are wise enough to kick my butt each time I get tempted to find lame excuses to drag myself back into your consciousness.
So... energetically, here's a hug and a head rub and here's praying that your fasts go well and you don't get irritated, dehydrated or tired too much. I still have your Eid presents from last year (the kitty pictures). God, what a loser I was last year. So naive and unbelievably deluded. I still am, if I'm actually typing this out.
Meh. I'll grow up - eventually.
At least you won't be bugging me with ill-advised and fake and extremely visual and 4D night-time trysts for an entire month. Don't think I don't know you're as responsible for it as I am. I ain't taking all the blame. I refuse to do so. Hmph. If I'm in your space, you're in my space. I can't be constantly thinking about you without SOME initiation from you as well. Pas possible. Even if it is just cords and contracts and karma. You agreed to it with full consciousness, as I did.
Anyway, enjoy fasting, my dear man-boy. I don't have to for another 4 days - w00t! Sole benefit of being a woman-girl, I suppose. Apart from the fact that I'll always be more beautiful and sexy and mysterious ;-)
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