Notes to self

Beware of unconsciously expecting friends and intimates to be a dumping ground for your emotional upheavals. People who care about you want to be there in any way they can, but you cannot demand that they parent you or that they take the brunt of your childhood issues. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 201)


I have £8.40 in library overdue fines.

I need to travel into London to collect stuff that (actually I asked for) from Kishwar aunty.

And now Mark from Remploy has set me a "challenge" so, if I agree, I have to spend more money on travel fares this Tuesday to meet him at Caffé Nero in Southwark, Waterloo for our appointment, just so I get a sense of journey time, planning, getting ready for interviews and for work in Central London. I know I shall have to say yes. The means justify the end.

I chuckled when I read the email, Caffé Nero was where Imran wanted to meet me. Fuck. Now, eight months later, I'm okay with meeting people (men) alone, by myself. Improvement, I'd say.

Anyway, Imran was completely wrong for me. He hooked into everything that made me feel like shit. He was the outward reflection of my dumping on myself.And I took all of it, thinking that my behaviour and my inequal position warranted such disdain and such neglect.

I have to spend money to buy food for my life coaching course next week.


Still have to visit relatives due to my dad's uncle's death.

Actually, I don't HAVE to do any of it. Shut up. I'll choose to do what I want, with my own wisdom.


I've spent approximately £2,000 on Energetic NLP courses. Based on my "inner wisdom", based on asking Sidra and Art. That's all it was based on.

And I end up in my own hole,  using the shovels I keep asking other people to bang on my head and dig even  deeper.

It amazes me how the people I was around all seemed to be made of money:

they buy from Waitrose and Sainsbury's, they shop full price from stores such as H&M and Next (whereas I now (when I do) buy my clothes second hand and used from Oxfam and other charity shops), they can afford to buy new shoes (and I'm wondering what I'm going to do about that when I finally get called for an interview), they can afford to get their eyebrows threaded, haircuts, eye tests, dental check ups, contact lenses...

They travel locally and overseas at the drop of a hat, they are in jobs they know they can do and handle and they do it. They manifest Mercedes Benz cars for themselves, and clients, and promotions and etc.

They can afford to keep pets, they have families that sometimes get them and with whom they get along.

And romantic relationships that sometimes end up being loving and committed. And in marriage.

Love abounds.

Interesting.
God bless them and increase their abundance. Increase the joy and infinite love and flow in their lives.
I had some of that at one point and possibly was still not as grateful as God wanted and expected me to be.

Well, what else do you expect me to say?

I haven't manifested a single damned thing that would actually please me or make me feel good about myself and my life purpose and I don't understand why. When others can, have and continue to do so, what's wrong with me?


On another note:

and now their thoughts, words, actions and energy wound, maim and rip to shreds the inner recesses of my core, at a depth so inside of me I never really thought it was possible for me to hate myself so much as to continue to allow them to hook into and annihilate that place inside of me...

My mum called me yesterday and once again gave me a tongue lashing regarding the loan I have taken from Farhat Aunty. She told me to pay it back with the money she sent me a month ago. I told her that all the money I have earned since October, the loan Farhat Aunty gave me AND the money my mum sent me have all been spent on the Energetic NLP and the Liz Foster life coaching course. I have barely enough for 3 months in my account. I refuse to touch my savings. Especially since that money isn't even mine at the end of the day: it's hers and it's my dad's.

So she said she would pay Farhat Aunty back when she goes back to Karachi next week.

Be my guest. Just goes to show how little my entire family value me, they really see me as a shit.

A chutiya.

"It's not right to take a loan. How could you do this to me? Why didn't you take it from your father...?" and on and on and on and on and on.

I had to take a two hour walk in the park to recover from that.

And then, at 9pm when I was meant to go to bed, the aunt called me. I told her I'd call her back after going to the loo. I really didn't want to speak to her, and I didn't know how to tell her that.

It took me 20 minutes after going to the loo to calm myself down enough so that I could return her call.

Once again, I really didn't want to speak to her, and I could not come up with a loving, win-win empowering way of telling her that.

I tried the Energetic NLP stuff to no success. Or maybe it did work, since I acted in a manner I am proud of.

When she dumped it all on me, I did not re-act with anger, venomous retorts, attacking the other person. I responded in a way more befitting to my own dignity and to the best of my ability in the moment, refused to take on her shit, either.

"Where are you? You promised to call me once a week." Um, you tried to force me to promise that, I did not answer you yes or no. And if I ever was to promise, I can always take it back.

"What have you been doing?" So I chose to tell her about my driving lessons. Made no impression. "Oh, really? something something." You could tell the energy was that of derision and I-could-care-less.

"How are things with your father?" That pissed me off, because I know she's read the email he sent them.

In fact, here it is:

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Ibrahim Juma
To: Masooma Alibhai KARACHI
Cc: Aquila Haji
Sent: Tue, May 24, 2011 9:45:56 PM
Subject: Has Sukaina informed you what course she has currently undertaking

Dear Both

Besides spending in the past nine months spending a lot of time on social network suxh as FACEBOOK, thee has been changes in Sukaina's behaviour.

I am not sure whether she has joined a "CULT GROUP".

For somtime I have noticed she does pray our muslim prayers. Perhaps she does and I have not observed.

What I had noiticed since I have come back from my holidays on 23/04/2011  that at certain times(about 6/00PM) in the evenings she communicates via the internet and says somesort of prayers similar to DALAI LAMA the guy who left tibet and lives in INDIA.

From last week she has been going to some sort of course being held in a room rented in a hotel.

She did come for my uncles funeral last Wedneday.

She did not come on saturday for majlise at my uncles house in Kingsbury.

Yesterday (Monday 23/5/2011 she cam home at about 10.30PM and today she just came in at 9.30PM.

Today was Bibi Fatema wiladat.

I just asked her wheher her classes has finished she siad yes but tomorrow she is going to attend A YOG SEMINAR.

Please be warned inrernet social network and cults do groom people who are not experienced to do things which people then regret.

This is my second warning.

Regards

***

So I told her, what do you mean? I know you've read the email my dad has sent you and it's shocked me that that's how he thinks of me.

Then she went on "where did you get the money for the courses?" I know she asked that because I decided to tell my mum about the loan from Farhat Aunty last week. My aunt has no business asking me about my finances (although I didn't feel the need to tell her that and dig my grave deeper).

Then, "how long do you expect this to continue?" (This being: I've graduated four years ago and have nothing to show for it. People easily forget the severe depression I was in. Oh, right. I just invented it to get attention and escape from the reality of life. I forgot about that.)

"I don't have an answer for you" was the safest response. (thank you, Imran, for teaching this to me. It's a stunner that pisses the pants off the person receiving such a trite remark).

The same familiar and excruciating pressure was building.

I told her, "I am telling you in clear words, we can talk about anything else, I choose not to talk about this."

She wouldn't listen to my words, what I was saying. It makes sense, I have done the very same thing not only to her, but to many others.

I repeated my statement again, a little differently, in easy to understand words so that perhaps it would sink in, into that inner core we all apparently have.

Pas de résultat.

She kept on like a battering ram, attacking me, attacking me and then when I told her I was feeling attacked, she said "But I'm worried, this is me showing my concern".

Eff, worry is what got me into all the shitty places I now currently inhabit, woman. Father's paranoia, mother's self-interest.... my own shit.... what a dysfunctional family, how dysfunctional and disempowering we are to one another.

They are happy being miserable. Ecstatic at being miserable. Experts, and wishing that everyone else who is making their life work would also be as miserable as them.

I ended up telling her, "I'm going to cry now, so I'm going to hang up."

It was a lie - I was angry, not wanting to sob. I tried to calm myself down, with the Energetic NLP - to no avail. So I whimpered to God and then I went to sleep.

One day I'll have the balls to tell her that once she puts her own life in order so that she's happy, she can then come back to me and teach me how to do it. She can manifest for me everything that I need to do in my life in order to gain her approval. So that I am "worthy" enough for her, and for the entire fucking lot of them.

Actually, one day I'll have enough balls, enough stability and support from Allah, when He finally helps me, and I can financially support myself, repay every last single damned loan from family and friends and life coaches, when I can start to pay my khums and zakat again, I'll cut off all ties with this shitty family I chose.

They are so not worth it. How could my spirit be so STUPID as to CHOOSE all of this?

Every event seems so stupid and reptitious and unfulfilling and ridiculously difficult and incomprehensible.

I TRIED.

I tried love and marriage. I tried energy healing. I took jobs. In the cold and rain. Every last penny I earned, every loan has been used up in the courses.

I'm doing all I can at this moment. Doors are padlocked and chained for me.

I am in the midst of such abundance - everybody I know has money and freedom and liberty and respect.


How can I still NOT be able to earn any money for myself?????

***

I had to deactivate Facebook again because I put that up the "ripping to shreds" little haiku as my status. And then, after reading the enneagram advice for today, it was clear that I was doing it again.

Falling into the same hole. Again.

I can't seem to get to that space where I'm earning money for myself.  

Why is that, Sukaina, why?

***

We are truly, truly alone in this.

All the spirit guides, all the angels, all the "support", £2,000 worth of ENLP courses and I still can't even communicate with them, not with a tree, not even an effing duckling.

***

I'm only going to try for a little while longer. Then I'm running into traffic again. Or asking someone to effing shoot me.

It will be a conscious choice. Since my soul is very sure about not being aligned with ANYTHING that makes sense, then my soul can bloody well end itself.

I am not happy. After everything, I still haven't managed to raise my vibration. I still try to lean on others when they are barely breathing on the surface of the rapids in their own river of life.

I effing deserve better than this life I chose for myself.

Improve, or die.