Well, since I'm avoiding the inevitable drudgery of looking for work, here I am. I found one job. Filling the application just sucks the will to live from me.
I am now working on my Liz Foster homework.
Make up a motivational MOJO list: things that sustain your motivation and make you feel motivated to do things.
1) Walking and running daily for exercise (being around nature and people and animals)
2) Prayer/meditation and Energetic NLP exercises
3) Drinking 2 litres of water
4) Eating in moderation, eating raw vegetables and fruit as much as I can
5) 5 daily self acknowledgements and reading the notes and emails from people who took the time to tell me how they see me in a positive light
6) Writing in my blogs
That's all I've come up with. It's a little tough when I'm feeling so defeatist at this current moment.
It annoys me that other people are much better at manifesting their lives, or at least, keeping up high spirits in the midst of challenges.
I can't even bloody feel or visualise my own cords to remove them. And no matter how many spiritual contracts I get rid of, there are tomes more to take their place.
"What has changed in the life of Suki on a real and physical level? All this healing is all well and good, and it needs to show itself in practical reality." Sidra, a month ago.
"I'm trying to think, and nothing comes to mind." (the driving lessons didn't come to mind)
"What about work, have you found anything?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Really, still no work?" Incredulous expression.
I can't be powerful if I can't even bloody manifest a job and money for myself. If I can't seem to keep my emotions stable.
I took three courses, a day workshop all in the hopes that the synchronicites they all seem to talk about would just happen. Where is my vibration? Why? Why? Why?
I mean, why can I not even make myself feel joy within, regardless of what I've manifested in my life so far?
It's 5:15 pm and I want to switch off the PC, cry myself to sleep. Avoidance.
Instead of finishing off my job application to that school. Why is it so difficult for me?
WHY?!?!?!
Everyone works, finds a job, has skills that they put in a job that they feel proud to do.
And me?
I keep thinking that somewhere, in parallel universe, I'm in a loving, committed realtionship with a wealthy Mr X and am also working in a job I am best suited to work in and earning my own money, traveling, having lots of things to do, feeling joy and having nice people in my life.
Eff.
That's the parallel existence.
It is not this one.
Has writing here today made me feel better?
No.
I hate it when all this gunk keeps coming to the surface.
When will all of this END?
***
Hi Imran,
I've been thinking of you often. I hope that things are going well for you at this stage of your life. You sure deserve it. Been praying that you earn and save enough to start that mortgage and soon you'll be able to afford a car, as well as keeping up with all the payments, taking care of your family and travel and emergencies and stuff.
One day, I'll be able to face the world with pride because I, too, will have achieved all of that. I may even be able to hold my head up in front of you (as if we'll ever meet, but hypothetically speaking).
May God bless you with joy, happiness, prosperity and may infinite love surround you,
Again, I don't see why not. You and your family have been through quite a bit. And you're already living your life a little more in a manifesting way. Maybe I could tap into that energy for myself. God knows how many times I've tried.
My best,
Sukaina
P.S. Did you actually find the girl of your dreams? If you haven't already (which I highly doubt), trust me, you will by your birthday this November. I don't see why not. Exactly: why wouldn't it work out for you? No reason whatsoever.
(This is going to be the only way to get all of this stuff out. So much ruddy programming, when will I finally release you, Imran? I can't even ask to be friends with you because a) you're with your fiancé now and b) Sidra mentioned that it's impossible to "stay friends" when I've accessed the vibration of romantic love with you.
Anyway, it's not you I miss. I miss being in love and feeling cherished.
And you didn't even love or cherish me.
So wtf then? Why do I keep torturing myself over this sense of lack, loss?)
I think I'll go for another walk instead of sleeping. Sleeping will depress me further. And summer is so fleeting.
At least my future self will be happy that I exercised. I may even jog to let off steam.
And I'll reply to Tazeen's email. A good intended act for the sake of a good intended act. Raise my vibration.
Have just received a text. I'm thinking it's Sameera. Is it? ...... No, was my driving instructor.
"Oh well." ~ Sonia Choquette
I am now working on my Liz Foster homework.
Make up a motivational MOJO list: things that sustain your motivation and make you feel motivated to do things.
1) Walking and running daily for exercise (being around nature and people and animals)
2) Prayer/meditation and Energetic NLP exercises
3) Drinking 2 litres of water
4) Eating in moderation, eating raw vegetables and fruit as much as I can
5) 5 daily self acknowledgements and reading the notes and emails from people who took the time to tell me how they see me in a positive light
6) Writing in my blogs
That's all I've come up with. It's a little tough when I'm feeling so defeatist at this current moment.
It annoys me that other people are much better at manifesting their lives, or at least, keeping up high spirits in the midst of challenges.
I can't even bloody feel or visualise my own cords to remove them. And no matter how many spiritual contracts I get rid of, there are tomes more to take their place.
"What has changed in the life of Suki on a real and physical level? All this healing is all well and good, and it needs to show itself in practical reality." Sidra, a month ago.
"I'm trying to think, and nothing comes to mind." (the driving lessons didn't come to mind)
"What about work, have you found anything?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Really, still no work?" Incredulous expression.
I can't be powerful if I can't even bloody manifest a job and money for myself. If I can't seem to keep my emotions stable.
I took three courses, a day workshop all in the hopes that the synchronicites they all seem to talk about would just happen. Where is my vibration? Why? Why? Why?
I mean, why can I not even make myself feel joy within, regardless of what I've manifested in my life so far?
It's 5:15 pm and I want to switch off the PC, cry myself to sleep. Avoidance.
Instead of finishing off my job application to that school. Why is it so difficult for me?
WHY?!?!?!
Everyone works, finds a job, has skills that they put in a job that they feel proud to do.
And me?
I keep thinking that somewhere, in parallel universe, I'm in a loving, committed realtionship with a wealthy Mr X and am also working in a job I am best suited to work in and earning my own money, traveling, having lots of things to do, feeling joy and having nice people in my life.
Eff.
That's the parallel existence.
It is not this one.
Has writing here today made me feel better?
No.
I hate it when all this gunk keeps coming to the surface.
When will all of this END?
***
Hi Imran,
I've been thinking of you often. I hope that things are going well for you at this stage of your life. You sure deserve it. Been praying that you earn and save enough to start that mortgage and soon you'll be able to afford a car, as well as keeping up with all the payments, taking care of your family and travel and emergencies and stuff.
One day, I'll be able to face the world with pride because I, too, will have achieved all of that. I may even be able to hold my head up in front of you (as if we'll ever meet, but hypothetically speaking).
May God bless you with joy, happiness, prosperity and may infinite love surround you,
Again, I don't see why not. You and your family have been through quite a bit. And you're already living your life a little more in a manifesting way. Maybe I could tap into that energy for myself. God knows how many times I've tried.
My best,
Sukaina
P.S. Did you actually find the girl of your dreams? If you haven't already (which I highly doubt), trust me, you will by your birthday this November. I don't see why not. Exactly: why wouldn't it work out for you? No reason whatsoever.
(This is going to be the only way to get all of this stuff out. So much ruddy programming, when will I finally release you, Imran? I can't even ask to be friends with you because a) you're with your fiancé now and b) Sidra mentioned that it's impossible to "stay friends" when I've accessed the vibration of romantic love with you.
Anyway, it's not you I miss. I miss being in love and feeling cherished.
And you didn't even love or cherish me.
So wtf then? Why do I keep torturing myself over this sense of lack, loss?)
I think I'll go for another walk instead of sleeping. Sleeping will depress me further. And summer is so fleeting.
At least my future self will be happy that I exercised. I may even jog to let off steam.
And I'll reply to Tazeen's email. A good intended act for the sake of a good intended act. Raise my vibration.
Have just received a text. I'm thinking it's Sameera. Is it? ...... No, was my driving instructor.
"Oh well." ~ Sonia Choquette
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