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Go away, lump in my throat

This is how out of tune I am.

Sidra asked me to help her with something. I was quite satisfied with my effort.

She sent me the final, already published thing for her workshop.

She couldn't find a single sentence of mine that was suitable for her. So why did I bother? Because she asked me, and I thought I was helping. I thought I was actually helping and doing something that mattered.

The other post I was going to write about my feeling so good yesterday and the small synchronicities I am noticing - all of a sudden, it just doesn't seem to matter. It's nothing big.

I'm the one who can't even get a job in a pet store. They refused my application on Friday morning, 8am. I should have spent another day on it.

I have resorted to junk food over eating again. What bloody emotions am I still not dealing with? I feel so much more joyful, and the craving and the eating never stops.

I guess I need to give myself some major healing today. I am way too lit up.

I keep repeating this pattern.

I want to help people that I am in no position to. Not just this, but in general.

When it's me I am responsible for, it's me who should be giving myself the healing, the empathy, compassion, the feelings of being accepted and loved. I'm the one who needs to make connections and find work. I'm the one who needs to cook and clean for her own joy and nourishment and well being. I'm the one who needs to manifest her life of her dreams. I'm the one who has to learn her lessons re: finances and family and father and work in order to move from this place of utter stuckness.

Why do I bother about other people especially when they are

a) perfectly able to lead their lives in whichever manner they see fit and

b) they really don't need or want my misplaced "help"?

Still have a long way to go... if I let a small thing like this totally flip me for six. And that I have to then consciously go back to make myself feel better.

I would like to automate happiness and joy and a sense of "chalta hai" to everything... mindfulness and also the way of the tao

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