It's been building up.
And today, there is a massive lump, an energetic stone in my throat. Could be unshed tears (I haven't cried in three weeks and am very pleased about that). Could be the fact there is stuff that needs to be said, but I can't for the life of me figure out
a) what it is
b) how to say it
c) who it is I am to say it to.
My tongue and my typing hands have gotten me into a lot of, a lot, A LOT of trouble. There have been many things said and many thing written that make me cringe, that make me shudder, that make me DETEST myself for being so pathetic, for attempting to manipulate people because they won't do things willingly, that they can't see.
Or that I think I need them when I never really did. I made them into my idols.
I am not going to make the same mistakes.
So, I am going to be "patient" and suck it up and, if possible, try to deal with the emotions in the new way I've been taught.
My ego is bursting forth again, saying it's all bollocks, rubbish and I'm, again, time wasting and doing "nothing".
Oh, good. At least the tears are bursting forth again.
Can you even begin to understand how frustrating it is for me?
Having all this love and support, asking for it and not being able to receive? Having fog glasses so I can't see, can't hear, can't access that which is rightfully mine to access? Having to make the powerful intention to not allow anyone else to read my energy and gain spiritual knowledge about me until I can bloody well do the same for myself and with other people?
Not being able to earn any amount of money that I actually get to use or keep for myself?
All a result of what? Karma, choices, causes and effects?
And my aunt phones me on Friday and wipes out two weeks of work I've been doing on my energy. In a minute, her nosy busybodiness activated fear or this sense of having to defend myself and tell the absolute truth about my doings. I never wanted her to know, never wanted to tell her. And yet, she says certain things in her code that activates something in me and I get defensive and blurt it all out. And hate myself for doing something I really didn't want to do, or have to do.
POWER GIVEN BACK TO "THEM".
And I'm in my same patterns with my dad. I burst with anger, fury, rage and frustration over things that needn't get so out of hand.
I'm overeating again. "Stuffing my emotions".
I don't even want to do the EFT tapping right now because it reminds me of Sidra. Which brings forth another entire Pandora's box. Never thought I'd feel like this again about someone. Again, someone I don't know, who owes me absolutely nothing. Like I felt about Imran.
Bloody soul mates.
Resentment and jealousy and envy and rage are eating me up inside, burning my insides.
And chewing out my throat.
And I shall enforce this silence because I do not know how to handle these emotions.
I am assuming I am the one over-reacting. Even if I am not, even if my values and my criteria have been whatevered, there's not a thing I can do.
This is like self awareness and patience and unconditional love BOOT CAMP.
I retrieve all the power I have given to others over all my lifespans. Each last drop. I retrieve it all now.
I release all old patterns, all old beliefs and every one else who is in my space. FOREVER.
I shall never dishonour myself like this ever again.
I shall not enter into any new soul mate relationships if they activate such lusting, such yearning, such possessiveness, such anger, such loneliness and destruction within.
Not the ones that activate things so deep rooted I cannot see a way out of them. That seven months after being dumped, I'm still stuck on some stupid boy. And that I am still stuck on people who are essentially PEOPLE, not deities.
I empower myself. I take back my power from every single last damned person.
And I vow to never EVER give anyone my power or my energy ever again. I shall retrieve it all. My energy belongs to me. My power belongs to me and only I know how to use it wisely, lovingly and in a way that benefits myself and others.
I manage my own energy. I allow myself to be powerful. I step into my personal power.
Enough.
And today, there is a massive lump, an energetic stone in my throat. Could be unshed tears (I haven't cried in three weeks and am very pleased about that). Could be the fact there is stuff that needs to be said, but I can't for the life of me figure out
a) what it is
b) how to say it
c) who it is I am to say it to.
My tongue and my typing hands have gotten me into a lot of, a lot, A LOT of trouble. There have been many things said and many thing written that make me cringe, that make me shudder, that make me DETEST myself for being so pathetic, for attempting to manipulate people because they won't do things willingly, that they can't see.
Or that I think I need them when I never really did. I made them into my idols.
I am not going to make the same mistakes.
So, I am going to be "patient" and suck it up and, if possible, try to deal with the emotions in the new way I've been taught.
My ego is bursting forth again, saying it's all bollocks, rubbish and I'm, again, time wasting and doing "nothing".
Oh, good. At least the tears are bursting forth again.
Can you even begin to understand how frustrating it is for me?
Having all this love and support, asking for it and not being able to receive? Having fog glasses so I can't see, can't hear, can't access that which is rightfully mine to access? Having to make the powerful intention to not allow anyone else to read my energy and gain spiritual knowledge about me until I can bloody well do the same for myself and with other people?
Not being able to earn any amount of money that I actually get to use or keep for myself?
All a result of what? Karma, choices, causes and effects?
And my aunt phones me on Friday and wipes out two weeks of work I've been doing on my energy. In a minute, her nosy busybodiness activated fear or this sense of having to defend myself and tell the absolute truth about my doings. I never wanted her to know, never wanted to tell her. And yet, she says certain things in her code that activates something in me and I get defensive and blurt it all out. And hate myself for doing something I really didn't want to do, or have to do.
POWER GIVEN BACK TO "THEM".
And I'm in my same patterns with my dad. I burst with anger, fury, rage and frustration over things that needn't get so out of hand.
I'm overeating again. "Stuffing my emotions".
I don't even want to do the EFT tapping right now because it reminds me of Sidra. Which brings forth another entire Pandora's box. Never thought I'd feel like this again about someone. Again, someone I don't know, who owes me absolutely nothing. Like I felt about Imran.
Bloody soul mates.
Resentment and jealousy and envy and rage are eating me up inside, burning my insides.
And chewing out my throat.
And I shall enforce this silence because I do not know how to handle these emotions.
I am assuming I am the one over-reacting. Even if I am not, even if my values and my criteria have been whatevered, there's not a thing I can do.
This is like self awareness and patience and unconditional love BOOT CAMP.
Vows to Self
I retrieve all the power I have given to others over all my lifespans. Each last drop. I retrieve it all now.
I release all old patterns, all old beliefs and every one else who is in my space. FOREVER.
I shall never dishonour myself like this ever again.
I shall not enter into any new soul mate relationships if they activate such lusting, such yearning, such possessiveness, such anger, such loneliness and destruction within.
Not the ones that activate things so deep rooted I cannot see a way out of them. That seven months after being dumped, I'm still stuck on some stupid boy. And that I am still stuck on people who are essentially PEOPLE, not deities.
I empower myself. I take back my power from every single last damned person.
And I vow to never EVER give anyone my power or my energy ever again. I shall retrieve it all. My energy belongs to me. My power belongs to me and only I know how to use it wisely, lovingly and in a way that benefits myself and others.
I manage my own energy. I allow myself to be powerful. I step into my personal power.
Enough.
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