Because I know Sidra and Tazeen are right. I'm blinded by my own lack of love to see he's a twat. And doesn't deserve this honesty.
Salaam Imran,
Against my better judgement, I am writing this to explain to you the rationale behind my texts from yesterday.
I really like you as a person. You already know that. If you don't, you should. I've written enough emails, blog entries and sent you enough stupid Bumper Stickers for you to know it.
However, you need to be aware that I have been smashed to pieces since 19th October, when you sent me that text at midnight.
A good friend advised me today that "Nobody cares about how another person is feeling, just what you can do for them". And that maybe I shouldn't write to you about how I "feel".
Fair enough.
But me being me, I am still going to tell you the truth, to be kind to myself and just so that I know that you know: I am hurt and sad that you have decided to continue no further along the matrimonial route with me.
Which is your prerogative, of course.
It's just, I didn't think it would affect me as badly as it has. I'm in constant pain.
What was a little hard to take was your thinking a text in the middle of the night was adequate and would be taken on the chin, as though I'd say "Meh." and be done with it.
And you not being able to tell me over the phone, thinking it was enough to text. As though you didn't think it was worth giving me the space to explain, discuss or even agree - verbally. Where miscommunication is less likely. My silence wasn't so much agreement or acceptance as it was numb shock.
I just couldn't believe I was so dispensable. And worthless, a nonentity. Again.
You kept dumping me for being me. Someone who said he liked me just as I am.
If you would be kind enough to reflect, the impression you've given me was this was going somewhere. You asked me if I would agree to meet your family (a little too soon in the day, I might add).
And then you told me you thought I was messing you about. And when I ask how, just so that this would be another obstacle to surpass and to work through, apparently, that, too, was the wrong thing for Sukaina to ask. Because you, of course, have "sussed out" my character and know that I'm so vindictive as to throw things in your face as some random later date.
Sukaina always getting it wrong. Feeling like a loser. In spite of her earnest efforts to get it right.
So, OK, we're "friends" and that's what it was last Monday when we chatted.
But then, your very friendly text on Thursday made me feel as though you were messing me about instead. Not intentionally, of course. Just you not realising what affect this has had on me. You're a bloke, after all. Be done, and be done. Move on to the next conquest on SS.
I, of course, read too much into your motives (has he changed his mind? Why is he texting me now when he's broken it off? when it was too much to do when we were "getting to know one another?").
And so I asked you why you wanted to talk on the phone with me, because I didn't see why you'd want to if you'd ended the "getting to know you" thing for the very reason of my "constant need for dialogue".
I told you I was emo. In spite of myself. That's the curse of having an INfp personality. There's a reason I asked you to read that, but hey, it's only important to saddos like myself. I realise that.
I just feel a connection with you. I feel awed, intimidated most of the time, but also safe and connected. Still.
There, I said it.
Which is why communicating with you was/is very important to me.
But, you obviously have another road to travel. Separate to mine. And such is life. Boo hoo. Game over. At least this experience has shown me all the unresolved scars and issues form the past I have to get over. I need to further my spirituality as well. Am going to try to hermitise for a month to get that in motion. Y'know, lots of chanting and meditating and talking to those frigging stars. Stupid stars. Don't know a thing.
I know this is weird and completely OTT. You don't have to understand this. Neither do I, apparently (lol). I just gotta roll with it until it passes.
And so, until I can get over this roller coaster of emotions, it's going to be difficult for me to be "just friends". I'm OK some days, not on others. In time, I do anticipate being able to be friends without any ulterior motives, or hoping for something more.
I shall let you know when I feel that's the case.
Anyway, I currently have a total of one male friend, the second to be you (eventually) - the others are all cousins or relatives. I've never felt comfortable talking on the phone with a guy as a friend. I'm a little traditional/emotional in that respect. It goes nowhere really fast. I feel the only person I'm speaking to on the phone should be my husband.
Which is why it's completely fitting that I went and lost my frigging phone in Wimbledon last night.
As for the nicknaming. I can't call you Immy, because it seems too personal now. And you calling me Suki, at this juncture, is painful.
So, there you are.
(Yay, I wrote you another long-ass email to make your eyes hurt - maybe I should put the font in vibrant orange just to mess with your head!)
It would be nice if you replied, but of course, you're a free agent to do as you wish. As long as you acknowledge having read this, that should be enough for now.
But do answer me this: who is Rukhsana Ahad on your FB friends list? The only reason I ask is that she randomly poked me a week or so ago. I poked her back. Nothing. Just wanted to know why she poked me. Unless it's just another of those unsolved mysteries that the Universe throws in our faces....
And now back to listening to Sad FM. I love how I can relate to the lyrics of all the songs I listen to! Ha ha.
Sukaina
P.S. Funny ending to the email: I asked my friend if he'd be offended if I'd hypothetically called him a man-boy. He said he'd prefer being called a man-beast! I shall keep that in mind for later use....lmao!
P.P.S. My first piece of advice: I know you prefer being blunt, and friendly and you like to tease, but be careful of the words you use and the stuff you say off-the-cuff or "on the spur of the moment". People might take them to mean something deeper.
P.P.P.S. Stop going offline when I go online on FB chat or Yahoo Messenger. It's so childish! I won't talk to you if you don't want me to. Just tell me: No time to chat today, another time perhaps.
P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and yes, my mother didn't die from her operation. Thanks for asking about her
P.P.P.P.P.S. Another friend suggested that we hold a "break-up" party: that way, at least, we'd finally get to meet each other - lmao! Never gonna happen, of course, but was a funny thought.
Against my better judgement, I am writing this to explain to you the rationale behind my texts from yesterday.
I really like you as a person. You already know that. If you don't, you should. I've written enough emails, blog entries and sent you enough stupid Bumper Stickers for you to know it.
However, you need to be aware that I have been smashed to pieces since 19th October, when you sent me that text at midnight.
A good friend advised me today that "Nobody cares about how another person is feeling, just what you can do for them". And that maybe I shouldn't write to you about how I "feel".
Fair enough.
But me being me, I am still going to tell you the truth, to be kind to myself and just so that I know that you know: I am hurt and sad that you have decided to continue no further along the matrimonial route with me.
Which is your prerogative, of course.
It's just, I didn't think it would affect me as badly as it has. I'm in constant pain.
What was a little hard to take was your thinking a text in the middle of the night was adequate and would be taken on the chin, as though I'd say "Meh." and be done with it.
And you not being able to tell me over the phone, thinking it was enough to text. As though you didn't think it was worth giving me the space to explain, discuss or even agree - verbally. Where miscommunication is less likely. My silence wasn't so much agreement or acceptance as it was numb shock.
I just couldn't believe I was so dispensable. And worthless, a nonentity. Again.
You kept dumping me for being me. Someone who said he liked me just as I am.
If you would be kind enough to reflect, the impression you've given me was this was going somewhere. You asked me if I would agree to meet your family (a little too soon in the day, I might add).
And then you told me you thought I was messing you about. And when I ask how, just so that this would be another obstacle to surpass and to work through, apparently, that, too, was the wrong thing for Sukaina to ask. Because you, of course, have "sussed out" my character and know that I'm so vindictive as to throw things in your face as some random later date.
Sukaina always getting it wrong. Feeling like a loser. In spite of her earnest efforts to get it right.
So, OK, we're "friends" and that's what it was last Monday when we chatted.
But then, your very friendly text on Thursday made me feel as though you were messing me about instead. Not intentionally, of course. Just you not realising what affect this has had on me. You're a bloke, after all. Be done, and be done. Move on to the next conquest on SS.
I, of course, read too much into your motives (has he changed his mind? Why is he texting me now when he's broken it off? when it was too much to do when we were "getting to know one another?").
And so I asked you why you wanted to talk on the phone with me, because I didn't see why you'd want to if you'd ended the "getting to know you" thing for the very reason of my "constant need for dialogue".
I told you I was emo. In spite of myself. That's the curse of having an INfp personality. There's a reason I asked you to read that, but hey, it's only important to saddos like myself. I realise that.
I just feel a connection with you. I feel awed, intimidated most of the time, but also safe and connected. Still.
There, I said it.
Which is why communicating with you was/is very important to me.
But, you obviously have another road to travel. Separate to mine. And such is life. Boo hoo. Game over. At least this experience has shown me all the unresolved scars and issues form the past I have to get over. I need to further my spirituality as well. Am going to try to hermitise for a month to get that in motion. Y'know, lots of chanting and meditating and talking to those frigging stars. Stupid stars. Don't know a thing.
I know this is weird and completely OTT. You don't have to understand this. Neither do I, apparently (lol). I just gotta roll with it until it passes.
And so, until I can get over this roller coaster of emotions, it's going to be difficult for me to be "just friends". I'm OK some days, not on others. In time, I do anticipate being able to be friends without any ulterior motives, or hoping for something more.
I shall let you know when I feel that's the case.
Anyway, I currently have a total of one male friend, the second to be you (eventually) - the others are all cousins or relatives. I've never felt comfortable talking on the phone with a guy as a friend. I'm a little traditional/emotional in that respect. It goes nowhere really fast. I feel the only person I'm speaking to on the phone should be my husband.
Which is why it's completely fitting that I went and lost my frigging phone in Wimbledon last night.
As for the nicknaming. I can't call you Immy, because it seems too personal now. And you calling me Suki, at this juncture, is painful.
So, there you are.
(Yay, I wrote you another long-ass email to make your eyes hurt - maybe I should put the font in vibrant orange just to mess with your head!)
It would be nice if you replied, but of course, you're a free agent to do as you wish. As long as you acknowledge having read this, that should be enough for now.
But do answer me this: who is Rukhsana Ahad on your FB friends list? The only reason I ask is that she randomly poked me a week or so ago. I poked her back. Nothing. Just wanted to know why she poked me. Unless it's just another of those unsolved mysteries that the Universe throws in our faces....
And now back to listening to Sad FM. I love how I can relate to the lyrics of all the songs I listen to! Ha ha.
Sukaina
P.S. Funny ending to the email: I asked my friend if he'd be offended if I'd hypothetically called him a man-boy. He said he'd prefer being called a man-beast! I shall keep that in mind for later use....lmao!
P.P.S. My first piece of advice: I know you prefer being blunt, and friendly and you like to tease, but be careful of the words you use and the stuff you say off-the-cuff or "on the spur of the moment". People might take them to mean something deeper.
P.P.P.S. Stop going offline when I go online on FB chat or Yahoo Messenger. It's so childish! I won't talk to you if you don't want me to. Just tell me: No time to chat today, another time perhaps.
P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and yes, my mother didn't die from her operation. Thanks for asking about her
P.P.P.P.P.S. Another friend suggested that we hold a "break-up" party: that way, at least, we'd finally get to meet each other - lmao! Never gonna happen, of course, but was a funny thought.
Comments
It definitely would have been better to send this one instead of the lame-ass email I sent him on the 11th November.
I'd have been prouder of myself and given him more reasons to reconsider, if only because I sound saner and a lot less hysterical than I ended up sounding in that email ;)
Oh, well. *shrugs*
His loss, my gain :D