I'm deleting all the emails I don't need.
(OK, I need to clarify, the ones between Imran and myself are staying. They are the only tangible evidence now that any of this happened, and that it wasn't just a big huge figment of my overactive, romantic imagination! That I meant something to someone for a brief millisecond. And that I felt what love feels for the first time ever: safe, secure, accepting, affectionate...etc, etc.)
I still regret not saving the chat convo we had on 10th September - my Eid, not his - I stupidly clicked the X button instead of the convert to email button on Yahoo Messenger. It was really sweet - the one where he told me he'd take me to Iraq even though I had told him we could be "friends" due to the istekhara, talked about the Khojas and how we both are so totally not Khoja (hahaha, we so are! He freaking uses the word "chumcho" to describe the insipid, insincere lackey-like behaviour manifested in our community - I wouldn't know, I avoid the mosque and community here as much as possible).
He told me how his sister tried to get him married off when they were on ziyarat (pilgrimage) to Najaf, Kerbala and Kadhmain etc. to an 18 year old girl who was a Madressa student of his sisters.
He told me he should get me an Eid present, and that got me all confused and butterfly-like, so I said, just send me photos of your sister's cats, and he did that immediately.
The good thing is I can post them here. I haven't posted his photos here for obvious reasons of privacy. I'd love to, but he'd kill me! Anyway, he's still on my FB list, so you'll get an eyeful of that ridiculous having-way-too-much-fun-with-the-vibrating-office-chair pose - lol!
"Oliver..."
"Mituuu! This one is the evil one!"
(They could have been my cats... love them...sigh...!)
He didn't, however, send me the electronic Eid card he made himself for "family and friends" because he's "sad like that". Hmmm.... he didn't. Argh. I just didn't see the signs because I was too "into" the entire self-manipulated Jane Austen/Bollywood storyline.
"Oh, he likes me! Oh, we get along. Oh, he's flirting with me... ipso facto he's THE ONE!"
Little Miss Desperate and Deluded. I'm going to create my own Miss with that name.
Still, am I ever going to find someone else who is with me on roughly the same wavelength?
Answer: Yes, you send out the call, and you shall attract loads of people, male and female who are creative, tolerant, understanding, non judgemental and facilitators on your journey. And they'll encourage that type of behaviour in you.
And, if you think about, you have so many of them already in your life.
And Travis shall appear when he's meant to. And stay, and be stable and not an emotionally frigid Jekyll-Hyde odd person!
What shall I do about these horrible letters my mother wrote to my dad re: me and money and the ones I was forced to write by her along the same veins while I was at school?? They hurt so much. Physically. Spasms through my face and chest. Of hatred, of.... ignorance. Of fear.
Loyalties and love being constantly pulled in two opposing directions.
"you're just like your father" (never when I was behaving, obviously!)
"your mother has spoiled you"
"kuttri"
"rich people"
There's even a hand-written letter by some anonymous Khoja man to my mother, accusing her of wrecking my entire future and self esteem because she's "doing what she wants" by divorcing my father. Wish I could meet him now and fucking castrate the bastard!
Not sure how to deal with them... what kind of ritual? Burning? Chanting? Or is shredding good enough? I think I'll go the violent, destructive way and BURN THEM! Make a huge, symbolic bonfire.
I'm in loud, rock music mode. FTW and all that. It's pathetic when Enya or Aqualung come on my Jango player. Fast forward!
Oh, right. The reason why I posted today was because I found the e-card dear Ashiya sent me on 22nd April 2010. It's staying. For self-evident reasons:
http://www.bluemountain.com/view.pd?i=230811464&m=6033&rr=y&source=bma999
The pre-written part of the card reads:
As long as there are people like you, who care with all their hearts.......(will fill in later)
because you are someone who is caring and giving, who reaches out to others, and who makes people feel so lucky to know you.
"Salaam Sukaina,
I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much of an inspiration you are to me. And no, this is not b.s.
I've always admired your sense of compassion and consideration for others. You've certainly made me think twice of my own actions, and I am ever so grateful for it. The first instance was at the women's centre when you refused some food from the food bank. We all thought you were being silly, until you pointed out that there may be people who actually need the food more than we do. SubhanAllah, I loved you so much then.
I've always admired your ability to confront difficult conversations and not to shy away from them. Avoidance is my strategy, and yet you asked me, "Why is this so difficult?" and I could not string together an answer. It was back in 2005, in the basement of the Frost library and I believe we were discussing religion. I loved you then for being so brave, and showing me that cowardice did nothing.
Your honesty. Although it's hard to swallow at times, this is sadly the symptom of a society where lies are the norm. When we've forgotten what the truth feels like, it stings. But, it also reminds me of how unnecessarily complicated we've made things. You remind me of the importance of simplicity. And I love you for it.
I'm sure I can go on and on, my dear. But I think you get the idea.
I love you and am truly grateful that someone like you has graced my life.
May Allah protect you and may He bless others by allowing you into their lives. Ameen."
God bless you too, Ash. You've been an indispensable source of sakeena to me during the past so many months. Especially since the Imran fiasco.
May He lighten your burdens, too.
We all have so much pain inside of us, don't we?
I still want to fulfil my purpose of becoming a Healer, yet I can't even heal myself? For a tiny little infatuation with a confused, unsure and self-centred Khoja London-born and bred man-boy?
How is this spiritual growth, pray tell?
When will I fucking expand? And grow? And soar? I lost all that aspiration for years.
Show me the way, YWH. Guide me to it. Change can happen instantaneously, as well.
It can.
(OK, I need to clarify, the ones between Imran and myself are staying. They are the only tangible evidence now that any of this happened, and that it wasn't just a big huge figment of my overactive, romantic imagination! That I meant something to someone for a brief millisecond. And that I felt what love feels for the first time ever: safe, secure, accepting, affectionate...etc, etc.)
I still regret not saving the chat convo we had on 10th September - my Eid, not his - I stupidly clicked the X button instead of the convert to email button on Yahoo Messenger. It was really sweet - the one where he told me he'd take me to Iraq even though I had told him we could be "friends" due to the istekhara, talked about the Khojas and how we both are so totally not Khoja (hahaha, we so are! He freaking uses the word "chumcho" to describe the insipid, insincere lackey-like behaviour manifested in our community - I wouldn't know, I avoid the mosque and community here as much as possible).
He told me how his sister tried to get him married off when they were on ziyarat (pilgrimage) to Najaf, Kerbala and Kadhmain etc. to an 18 year old girl who was a Madressa student of his sisters.
He told me he should get me an Eid present, and that got me all confused and butterfly-like, so I said, just send me photos of your sister's cats, and he did that immediately.
The good thing is I can post them here. I haven't posted his photos here for obvious reasons of privacy. I'd love to, but he'd kill me! Anyway, he's still on my FB list, so you'll get an eyeful of that ridiculous having-way-too-much-fun-with-the-vibrating-office-chair pose - lol!
"Oliver..."
"Mituuu! This one is the evil one!"
(They could have been my cats... love them...sigh...!)
He didn't, however, send me the electronic Eid card he made himself for "family and friends" because he's "sad like that". Hmmm.... he didn't. Argh. I just didn't see the signs because I was too "into" the entire self-manipulated Jane Austen/Bollywood storyline.
"Oh, he likes me! Oh, we get along. Oh, he's flirting with me... ipso facto he's THE ONE!"
Little Miss Desperate and Deluded. I'm going to create my own Miss with that name.
Still, am I ever going to find someone else who is with me on roughly the same wavelength?
Answer: Yes, you send out the call, and you shall attract loads of people, male and female who are creative, tolerant, understanding, non judgemental and facilitators on your journey. And they'll encourage that type of behaviour in you.
And, if you think about, you have so many of them already in your life.
And Travis shall appear when he's meant to. And stay, and be stable and not an emotionally frigid Jekyll-Hyde odd person!
What shall I do about these horrible letters my mother wrote to my dad re: me and money and the ones I was forced to write by her along the same veins while I was at school?? They hurt so much. Physically. Spasms through my face and chest. Of hatred, of.... ignorance. Of fear.
Loyalties and love being constantly pulled in two opposing directions.
"you're just like your father" (never when I was behaving, obviously!)
"your mother has spoiled you"
"kuttri"
"rich people"
There's even a hand-written letter by some anonymous Khoja man to my mother, accusing her of wrecking my entire future and self esteem because she's "doing what she wants" by divorcing my father. Wish I could meet him now and fucking castrate the bastard!
Not sure how to deal with them... what kind of ritual? Burning? Chanting? Or is shredding good enough? I think I'll go the violent, destructive way and BURN THEM! Make a huge, symbolic bonfire.
I'm in loud, rock music mode. FTW and all that. It's pathetic when Enya or Aqualung come on my Jango player. Fast forward!
Oh, right. The reason why I posted today was because I found the e-card dear Ashiya sent me on 22nd April 2010. It's staying. For self-evident reasons:
http://www.bluemountain.com/view.pd?i=230811464&m=6033&rr=y&source=bma999
The pre-written part of the card reads:
As long as there are people like you, who care with all their hearts.......(will fill in later)
because you are someone who is caring and giving, who reaches out to others, and who makes people feel so lucky to know you.
"Salaam Sukaina,
I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much of an inspiration you are to me. And no, this is not b.s.
I've always admired your sense of compassion and consideration for others. You've certainly made me think twice of my own actions, and I am ever so grateful for it. The first instance was at the women's centre when you refused some food from the food bank. We all thought you were being silly, until you pointed out that there may be people who actually need the food more than we do. SubhanAllah, I loved you so much then.
I've always admired your ability to confront difficult conversations and not to shy away from them. Avoidance is my strategy, and yet you asked me, "Why is this so difficult?" and I could not string together an answer. It was back in 2005, in the basement of the Frost library and I believe we were discussing religion. I loved you then for being so brave, and showing me that cowardice did nothing.
Your honesty. Although it's hard to swallow at times, this is sadly the symptom of a society where lies are the norm. When we've forgotten what the truth feels like, it stings. But, it also reminds me of how unnecessarily complicated we've made things. You remind me of the importance of simplicity. And I love you for it.
I'm sure I can go on and on, my dear. But I think you get the idea.
I love you and am truly grateful that someone like you has graced my life.
May Allah protect you and may He bless others by allowing you into their lives. Ameen."
God bless you too, Ash. You've been an indispensable source of sakeena to me during the past so many months. Especially since the Imran fiasco.
May He lighten your burdens, too.
We all have so much pain inside of us, don't we?
I still want to fulfil my purpose of becoming a Healer, yet I can't even heal myself? For a tiny little infatuation with a confused, unsure and self-centred Khoja London-born and bred man-boy?
How is this spiritual growth, pray tell?
When will I fucking expand? And grow? And soar? I lost all that aspiration for years.
Show me the way, YWH. Guide me to it. Change can happen instantaneously, as well.
It can.
Comments
That is all. :)