For the past two, three weeks, I've been self-sabotaging. The binge eating, the extreme ill health, the being unable to do the things I really wanted, the living in the clouds and major procrastinating, it's all been pear-shaped.
I managed to meditate on the moon yday and had some sort of clarity. I keep becoming airy and hyper-energetic - the unproductive type, that leaves me dissatisfied about my lack of action but not being able to do anything about it: I forget, I forget, I forget. J'oublie tout le temps.
I lose things; important things.
So my random ramblings are thus, today:
I have become less self conscious about myself. I am so surprised at how I can talk about almost anything now and really make other people uncomfortable. I hug trees, dammit. Although, of course, I sneak a peek to make sure that no one is there.
Nowadays, I see sex and marriage as just filling up a hole in the futile attempt to make oneself become (W) hole. Also, for all the bloody Paki/desi/Khoja/Muslim men who ask 'can you cook?' and expect another person to pick up after them, to be looked after, newsflash: you're not a grown up adult yet. So you really shouldn't be thinking about getting yourself a girl.
If you make a mess, clean it up. You're hungry, cook. You wear shirts, iron them. WTF is the weekend for?
The negative way that our parents and society have formulated the image of a girl who won't do all that stuff: yesterday a friend said in the most self-defeating way 'if we're both so moody, what man will put up with it?'
And I realised that firstly, saying the phrase 'put up with' indicates that you've bought into all the shit that our parents and other various blinkered family members have fed us for years. And still feed us. But the worst thing is that we continue to believe it and it takes so many readings of Louise Hay and Debbie Ford and Wayne Dyer to make a dent and to reach your Soul's knowledge.
I was in the depths of depression but it's still taken me - what, six or seven years to realise this stuff - and I'm still in the minority. It's sad.
There is a place here for me. I don't need people to validate my existence, my desires, my hopes and dreams. If they make me happy, that's OK.
We always interact with people because we think we know who they are and how they tick. How misleading for all of us; as I've said before, with the amount of miscommunication that goes on daily, how the fuck does anything get done?!
Annnyway...... I had to update... because I had to and the words are flowing once more. I still have major trust issues, but that's because of my experiences. I'm working on it.
Oh yeah,
and even if there will be times when my ego persuades me to not believe in You and Your ways, they are real and they exist. In spite of my disbelief, I acknowledge that it's truth.
I managed to meditate on the moon yday and had some sort of clarity. I keep becoming airy and hyper-energetic - the unproductive type, that leaves me dissatisfied about my lack of action but not being able to do anything about it: I forget, I forget, I forget. J'oublie tout le temps.
I lose things; important things.
So my random ramblings are thus, today:
I have become less self conscious about myself. I am so surprised at how I can talk about almost anything now and really make other people uncomfortable. I hug trees, dammit. Although, of course, I sneak a peek to make sure that no one is there.
Nowadays, I see sex and marriage as just filling up a hole in the futile attempt to make oneself become (W) hole. Also, for all the bloody Paki/desi/Khoja/Muslim men who ask 'can you cook?' and expect another person to pick up after them, to be looked after, newsflash: you're not a grown up adult yet. So you really shouldn't be thinking about getting yourself a girl.
If you make a mess, clean it up. You're hungry, cook. You wear shirts, iron them. WTF is the weekend for?
The negative way that our parents and society have formulated the image of a girl who won't do all that stuff: yesterday a friend said in the most self-defeating way 'if we're both so moody, what man will put up with it?'
And I realised that firstly, saying the phrase 'put up with' indicates that you've bought into all the shit that our parents and other various blinkered family members have fed us for years. And still feed us. But the worst thing is that we continue to believe it and it takes so many readings of Louise Hay and Debbie Ford and Wayne Dyer to make a dent and to reach your Soul's knowledge.
I was in the depths of depression but it's still taken me - what, six or seven years to realise this stuff - and I'm still in the minority. It's sad.
There is a place here for me. I don't need people to validate my existence, my desires, my hopes and dreams. If they make me happy, that's OK.
We always interact with people because we think we know who they are and how they tick. How misleading for all of us; as I've said before, with the amount of miscommunication that goes on daily, how the fuck does anything get done?!
Annnyway...... I had to update... because I had to and the words are flowing once more. I still have major trust issues, but that's because of my experiences. I'm working on it.
Oh yeah,
and even if there will be times when my ego persuades me to not believe in You and Your ways, they are real and they exist. In spite of my disbelief, I acknowledge that it's truth.
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