I'm trying a little note of complete honesty. I don't think I, nor you, would be able to understand or handle an entire blog entry.
Honestly, if I didn't have this horrible, sometimes entirely consuming and debilitating mood disorder - the one that sees me popping pills to make the pain stop and to make my Soul a quick exit to Level Up, I would be much further on my career path, my family life, my travel plans and my spiritual journey.
Why do I say this? I'd be interested in more things like a career, like getting a job, like gaining skills to get that job, like finding a life partner, like falling in love, like marrying. I'd be able to pick and choose my own family and keep the real one for special occasions only. I'd have earned the energy called money to travel; I'd have all sorts of energy, full stop. I'd have what I call proper friends. I'd live in the places I wanted, I'd be more of the person I wanted.
I'd have the wisdom to be the counsellor and not just the counselled. I'd make a difference. I'd be much further up, down, inside or wherever than i am now.
Picture a person who's trying not to sink into quicksand and is pulling forth on a craggy, rocky and uphill path which is full of black mist and at the same time has bags of rocks on the back pulling her back and tentacles and claws prizing into her shoulders and arms and heart and ribs and she's bleeding profusely and she's trying to move on but all she managed is to stay afloat and above the quicksand.
She doesn't know who she is ergo she doesn't know who her God is ergo she cannot understand humanity and the universe and her place in it and the fear stops her and paralyzes her and she is still out of icy fear and guilt and shame and FEAR. And nothing else.
There is nothing else.
She is not in the ruminating, germinating, expectant stillness that is vibrating and promising another type of movement. She is just ice. Ice is all she sees and does; her interactions are cold and without heart or love, there's no use.
That's where I am. And as much as I'd like to be all that Carl Rogers says in Becoming a Person and what Deepak Chopra is trying to say so eloquently in How to know God, I just cannot see myself there.
Are the tentacles without or within. They feel as though they are all without: I really want to soar. I do. i do. i want to. I really do.
But they all say it is within. And within is just ice. i try to look within and make friends with with in. but i don't manage to do it. And now I'm looking without, at one little glimmer of a mirroring that might be of my Soul that is without.
But it will happen if it's right and will not if it's not what's meant to be.
What are the lessons?
Patience: both in time aspect and space aspect and uncertainty aspect and faith aspect.
Judgement: But why did my bloody lesson have to incorporate a domineering tyrant in Siddiqua form (and my father)? Honestly. I mean..... I hate her guts. Still. Today. And according to Reiki teacher, I am therefore incorporating all her exact traits: the ones I hate and detest and disgust me the most, I have all of them coming forth and consuming me. Because I judge and obsess over it.
But I really do hate her. If she hates me as much I hate her, I am consoled that she suffers psychically to the same intense degree.
Okay, there's the ugly.
Honestly, if I didn't have this horrible, sometimes entirely consuming and debilitating mood disorder - the one that sees me popping pills to make the pain stop and to make my Soul a quick exit to Level Up, I would be much further on my career path, my family life, my travel plans and my spiritual journey.
Why do I say this? I'd be interested in more things like a career, like getting a job, like gaining skills to get that job, like finding a life partner, like falling in love, like marrying. I'd be able to pick and choose my own family and keep the real one for special occasions only. I'd have earned the energy called money to travel; I'd have all sorts of energy, full stop. I'd have what I call proper friends. I'd live in the places I wanted, I'd be more of the person I wanted.
I'd have the wisdom to be the counsellor and not just the counselled. I'd make a difference. I'd be much further up, down, inside or wherever than i am now.
Picture a person who's trying not to sink into quicksand and is pulling forth on a craggy, rocky and uphill path which is full of black mist and at the same time has bags of rocks on the back pulling her back and tentacles and claws prizing into her shoulders and arms and heart and ribs and she's bleeding profusely and she's trying to move on but all she managed is to stay afloat and above the quicksand.
She doesn't know who she is ergo she doesn't know who her God is ergo she cannot understand humanity and the universe and her place in it and the fear stops her and paralyzes her and she is still out of icy fear and guilt and shame and FEAR. And nothing else.
There is nothing else.
She is not in the ruminating, germinating, expectant stillness that is vibrating and promising another type of movement. She is just ice. Ice is all she sees and does; her interactions are cold and without heart or love, there's no use.
That's where I am. And as much as I'd like to be all that Carl Rogers says in Becoming a Person and what Deepak Chopra is trying to say so eloquently in How to know God, I just cannot see myself there.
Are the tentacles without or within. They feel as though they are all without: I really want to soar. I do. i do. i want to. I really do.
But they all say it is within. And within is just ice. i try to look within and make friends with with in. but i don't manage to do it. And now I'm looking without, at one little glimmer of a mirroring that might be of my Soul that is without.
But it will happen if it's right and will not if it's not what's meant to be.
What are the lessons?
Patience: both in time aspect and space aspect and uncertainty aspect and faith aspect.
Judgement: But why did my bloody lesson have to incorporate a domineering tyrant in Siddiqua form (and my father)? Honestly. I mean..... I hate her guts. Still. Today. And according to Reiki teacher, I am therefore incorporating all her exact traits: the ones I hate and detest and disgust me the most, I have all of them coming forth and consuming me. Because I judge and obsess over it.
But I really do hate her. If she hates me as much I hate her, I am consoled that she suffers psychically to the same intense degree.
Okay, there's the ugly.
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