Skip to main content

Mairy, quite contrary

I'm beginning to care too much again, and for the wrong people. Mairy. Dammit. Dammit. It's just my enormous sleep debt making me do weird things. I re-added him to Facebook ( do NOT ask me why and do NOT tell me why either ;-) Man, his brother Mustafa is so handsome and good looking. I love the name Mustafa, btw. Yes, Fati, am sorry, but nuh. A name is a name. I still like the name Mohsin, even though it's the name of my mum's second husband of 7 months who totally screwed her over and left her to the dogs. My hypothetical first kid I'd name Mustafa. I'd never name my hypothetical kid Mohsin though. That poor kid... lol! Unless, well, then the name would no longer hold power over the people in my family. Except - none in my family is thinking along the lines i am. I think i need to make a second family for myself consisting of friends and colleagues and fellow thinkers.... I'm so spiritually and intellectually isolated.

I actually wanted to marry a Mustafa, he is a distant relative living in London. But he got married off last year to a good, decent Khoja girl. And his sister was my friend till I was 12 and then she totally screwed me over, so I wouldn't exactly want her to be my sister-in-law. En fait, I've been meaning to type up the last letter i received from her. It caused a lot of pain and derison when I first got it a year after after my mum got ill (2002). I've kept it because I like the painting on the card a lot. But whenever i read the card, i start hating her all over again. that can't be good, but then i haven't really nirvana'ed yet, have I? I'm thinking, at the most i have 25 odd years left (unless I accidentally-on-purpose kill myself first, bien sûr) maybe I'll manage it somehow, gaining an Allah-approved nirvana, that is.

[can't find card will post later]

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The parents

Your Type Four EnneaThought for January 13th— Reflect on your childhood today. As a child, did you believe you were not like your parents? Did you feel that you were not "seen" by your parents and that you did not connect sufficiently with your parents? As an adult, what does this have to do with you now? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 182) As I've said myriad times before, these things just slap me in the face with a wet fish most days. I suppose it makes sense that I should send Reiki healing to my relationships with my father and my mother. Haven't really done that for ages. It's too hard sometimes, I choose to ignore and avoid dealing with them mainly because these are the two people I've been connected with since birth. A lot of effort is required in order to 'let things slide'. Living with my dad is hell, and I'm co-creating it on purpose, as part of my desire to annoy, to hurt him the way he hurts me. My mum, well, I guess we'...
Post a Comment
Read more

Je dois écrire

Je dois écrire . L'ironie est que quand j'avais le temps, je na'i pu pas fair rien . Doesn't matter, I have to write. I keep listening to poets like Keane and Travis and Darren Hayes and I'm here, with the creativity finally bursting forth again, and what's more, the joie de vivre bursting through and I'm not writing and I'm not taking pictures and I'm doing bloody cashier work at Oxfam. I am a swan, I am a seagull that glides and glides. I am the tree, the squirrel. Words are all I have to make myself different from you lot. To make myself lighter, somewhat more worthy. How low is my self esteem that I still believe those falsehoods. I just cannot find people on my wave length. It means I never shall. Or I do and because of my skin colour or because I am behind the Oxfam counter, or because I am in Morden, or London, or the UK, I shall never know. An opera singer. A person who wants to wear kurtis but is scared of going into a desi shop i...
Post a Comment
Read more

Judgement

Tarot Card Interpretation & Meaning - (20) Judgment Introduction: Judgment can be a card about jumping to conclusions, decisions and judgments. which are too hastily made. If you are prone to such things, this is a clear signal to slow down and give things more thought and to give people "more chances." This can be a real time of spiritual awakening.           General: In general, if you are the one tending to jump to conclusions, you can put a stop to it. If others are making these kinds of decisions about you or about someone you care for, there is really very little you can do, apart from realizing that it's their problem, not yours. Health: This is an important time to let go of the past and any wrongs that you perceive were done to you, particularly if you are dealing with chronic medical issues. Letting go of your need to be right will go a long way toward helping you to feel better. Besides, if ...
Post a Comment
Read more