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Going down...

I'm feeling my 'normal' self again: hate most of the people i know, don't give a shit about the rest, irritable. unable to focus on a lot of things, but my mind's still racing. i think i almost lost myself there for a while. it was a different person, definitely a manic phase.

Listening to Fluorescent Adolescent by The Arctic Monkeys makes me feel so English... and normal? Sigh. there's nothing there for me... except for those two winter jackets and a few gazillion books and papers.... pourquoi je peux pas devenir satisfait ou j'suis... I make myself think I have to live with mum from now on and yet, London.... tu me manque.... quelle stupidité... ugh. The politics there sucks... and who knows what will happen, I'll most probably change my mind about the counselling course... after all, since counselling never fucking worked for me, why the hell would i want to listen to other people go on and on and on...? It's bad enough having to live my own thoughts and feelings.

i feel i am more materialistic there, more in my own bubble, and then there's daddy dearest and that's basically the biggest deterrent anyone can come up with. I will go back, but the question is when and how and for that i must practice patience and faith.

I need to start praying. it was so good, i prayed my fajr, zohr and Asr yday and i thought I'd continue the trend but "I just don't feel like it", which is all bullshit. How far from Allah do I feel? Very.

I like the fact that most of my friends are down to earth. I'm missing the canadian ones a lot these days. We spent a lot of quality time together. Especially Sarah.

OK, I'm spent. Am angry at self for adding people to my list ebcause I felt high yday and today, of corse, I want to delete them all again.

my superlatives (someone else will ahve to nominate me, I can't nominate myself)

Most Likely To:
Be A Cat Lady instead of Cat Woman
Add you to her Facebook list and delete you within a month and re-add you a year later
Watch Emmerdale and Coronation Street when missing London
To Have Violent, Uncontrollable Mood Swings
To Think She Knows What She's Saying, But Has Absolutely No Idea and Will Contradict Self 5 minutes Later
Have Major Trust Issues
Never get over the Splitting part of her Psyche Development

Yours deflated, glum, homesick and self-criticizing

Sukaina

P.S. have planned to go to the gynaecologist and dentist tomorrow. InshaAllah.

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