The first step to bringing peace into the world is to realize the peace that already dwells within you.
~ Anonymous
To add to this: you've got to create that peace in yourself first of all. So, I'm a long way off. Violence is never the answer. I say this, yet I obviously do not believe in it or have conviction because I use violence in my daily life. Whether it is towards myself by eating the wrong things or crying over the hurtful things others say or not taking care of my body. Violence towards others through vicious thought patterns, which formulate into facial expressions, vapid words and, as last week showed, the ultimate: gratuitous physical violence because I couldn't tell myself to stop, that any relief i might get from it will never compensate for the shame, grief and self blame which now rest solely in my head. also, the fact that to do something wrong means you have to then feel genuine remorse, ask the person for forgiveness first, then turn to God.
So, what did I do? I didn't eat or talk to anyone for two days. I slept a lot, didn't pray salaat, stopped the communion with God. Didn't go with my mum to the Sunday event she'd asked me specifically to go to. Monday to Wednesday a complete washout. I haven't apologised. I don't feel remorse this time, not even for the act itself. There is no way I can formulate a spousal arrangement now, with my 'history of violence'. I'll even give my mother a beating if I lose it, I know it. seriously, what is wrong with me? I should be a large, white, inner-city male, not the categories that I am actually. Well, I am no longer a Muslim, for a Muslim is one from whose words and actions others are safe.
Anyway, the aunt has left. The vapid hate replaced by.. what? resignation, perhaps. That's good, it's a hop and a skip away from acceptance, which I am trying to aim for, right?
I have the mother of all headaches this morning. Go away, already.
Cocoa gave birth yesterday, her litter looks small this time. Or maybe malnourished (I still only fed her once a day, during the entire pregnancy - what is wrong with me?) Need to take Sheba for his third antibiotic shot today. I hope I can go to Fiction, maybe I'll find something that I'm meant to wear. Ha. As if.
~ Anonymous
To add to this: you've got to create that peace in yourself first of all. So, I'm a long way off. Violence is never the answer. I say this, yet I obviously do not believe in it or have conviction because I use violence in my daily life. Whether it is towards myself by eating the wrong things or crying over the hurtful things others say or not taking care of my body. Violence towards others through vicious thought patterns, which formulate into facial expressions, vapid words and, as last week showed, the ultimate: gratuitous physical violence because I couldn't tell myself to stop, that any relief i might get from it will never compensate for the shame, grief and self blame which now rest solely in my head. also, the fact that to do something wrong means you have to then feel genuine remorse, ask the person for forgiveness first, then turn to God.
So, what did I do? I didn't eat or talk to anyone for two days. I slept a lot, didn't pray salaat, stopped the communion with God. Didn't go with my mum to the Sunday event she'd asked me specifically to go to. Monday to Wednesday a complete washout. I haven't apologised. I don't feel remorse this time, not even for the act itself. There is no way I can formulate a spousal arrangement now, with my 'history of violence'. I'll even give my mother a beating if I lose it, I know it. seriously, what is wrong with me? I should be a large, white, inner-city male, not the categories that I am actually. Well, I am no longer a Muslim, for a Muslim is one from whose words and actions others are safe.
Anyway, the aunt has left. The vapid hate replaced by.. what? resignation, perhaps. That's good, it's a hop and a skip away from acceptance, which I am trying to aim for, right?
I have the mother of all headaches this morning. Go away, already.
Cocoa gave birth yesterday, her litter looks small this time. Or maybe malnourished (I still only fed her once a day, during the entire pregnancy - what is wrong with me?) Need to take Sheba for his third antibiotic shot today. I hope I can go to Fiction, maybe I'll find something that I'm meant to wear. Ha. As if.
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