It was yet another of those rituals that occur so frequently in my family, especially when all of the members are under the same roof. I'm going to rationalize it and say that the demand characteristics of the situation, such as it were, required me to play along to the well rehearsed script. Whatever the truth is, - it's never really the Truth these days, is it? - that's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that I observed a smile of pure evil on my mum's face, one which I have not seen in quite so many years and with such little ambiguity about it.
I was shocked, horrified. but thankfully now i just see it as a mirror. A mirror to what I am capable of doing, what i already have done and what my constant thought content looks like, when you put a face to it. Yet, somehow, my trying to not being hypocritical about all of this exonerates me. At least, that's what I'd like to think.
Dr. Z is becoming way too didactic for my tastes. I've become paranoid; I think she's out to get me, I think she's fed up. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted so much knowledge about psychology - it hasn't really changed the way I feel and think and act. It just makes me better at labelling myself, others and again, intellectualising things, to make them seem - what?- more acceptable? I feel slightly bullied into continuing because she keeps on banging on about how no one leaves her, everyone is satisfied with her work and they may change many psychiatrists but they always come back to her when they need help.
Sukaina, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
I was shocked, horrified. but thankfully now i just see it as a mirror. A mirror to what I am capable of doing, what i already have done and what my constant thought content looks like, when you put a face to it. Yet, somehow, my trying to not being hypocritical about all of this exonerates me. At least, that's what I'd like to think.
Dr. Z is becoming way too didactic for my tastes. I've become paranoid; I think she's out to get me, I think she's fed up. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted so much knowledge about psychology - it hasn't really changed the way I feel and think and act. It just makes me better at labelling myself, others and again, intellectualising things, to make them seem - what?- more acceptable? I feel slightly bullied into continuing because she keeps on banging on about how no one leaves her, everyone is satisfied with her work and they may change many psychiatrists but they always come back to her when they need help.
Sukaina, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Comments