... they just make you worse
And I know I'll see your face again.
-The drugs don't work, The Verve
The stupid SNRI can't have any effect in just a day. It has to to be the alprazolam. Has to be that. Been sleeping a lot, completely knocked out. Walk-straight-into-heavy-traffic type of mode. Appetite down the toilet, activation down. I hate shrinks and their stupid medicines. They've just gotten so used to it all, they never ask if I'm pregnant or have cirrhosis. I wonder, if I didn't taper off of fluoxetine and after two days started duloxetine (isn't lovely how they make the names rhyme?), is that dangerous or what? and even though didn't want shrink lady prescribing me meds, I wonder why she didn't if she keeps on saying that she can. Afraid of a lawsuit? Or I don't know. Is this paranoia?
One thing's for sure. I am getting horrible sort of image content in my mind, completely uncontrollable thoughts and images which are so deeply entrenched in my unconscious that for the most part I know that I've had no reason to ever have to come across it in real life and yet here I am, think second-long images of the weirdest stuff only to have to wake myself up and say: this is not real. I suppose it could be called hallucinating.
So, basically, for at least the whole of Feb (if not beyond), I am officially screwed. My dad phoned yesterday and I told him since I have new drugs in my system, I am again unreliable with emotions and actions and impulsivity and so he can't plan a holiday for me to go anywhere (it was supposed to be Daresalaam again) this year, either. But I really wanted to get out of Karachi. And my dad was paying, that was the main thing. I just don't have it in me to put up with abrasive fathers and aunts. Especially when I'm the whoreish witch I have become.
My mood swings are too much for my mum, she told me as much yesterday. "I can't put up with these moods. That's why I can't talk to you." Oh, well. The Rs. 1,400 doesn't seem like such a bad investment then after all. Except the shrink lady is cutting me off, probably after tomorrow, I won't have weekly sessions. I'll see her less frequently.
Thursday was a good day, for those 3-4 hours I was with H. Went kind of pear-shaped since my visit to the psychiatrist on Friday. Now I'm just wasted. It's like my elbow and knee joints have cold mercury flowing through them, I don't seem to have 100% control over them, like I did two days ago. God, I need something to push me into doing yoga.
Yeah, there's definitely a tinge of anxiety and paranoia going on here. I am NEVER doing drugs after this. Ever. Tea is fine, no more drugs or bhung or anything like that. I become a thing, and I hate this thing, I can't do anything while I am this thing.
Guess who's staying at home for the foreseeable future now? Out of the public eye. Dammit. It really isn't fair.
The philosophy of being (and doing) versus the philosophy of having.
I feel as though I have been bought off. I don't need a digital camera. It's just another bloody possession which now has to be taken care of because it cost $400 and was a present from so-and-so and. Ugh. I truly would have been really happy with absolutely NOTHING. A bit resentful, maybe, maybe not - who knows. But now I have yet another thing to be possessive about and scared of losing or having it stolen or lost or broken. Stays in my cupboard, I guess.
And I know I'll see your face again.
-The drugs don't work, The Verve
The stupid SNRI can't have any effect in just a day. It has to to be the alprazolam. Has to be that. Been sleeping a lot, completely knocked out. Walk-straight-into-heavy-traffic type of mode. Appetite down the toilet, activation down. I hate shrinks and their stupid medicines. They've just gotten so used to it all, they never ask if I'm pregnant or have cirrhosis. I wonder, if I didn't taper off of fluoxetine and after two days started duloxetine (isn't lovely how they make the names rhyme?), is that dangerous or what? and even though didn't want shrink lady prescribing me meds, I wonder why she didn't if she keeps on saying that she can. Afraid of a lawsuit? Or I don't know. Is this paranoia?
One thing's for sure. I am getting horrible sort of image content in my mind, completely uncontrollable thoughts and images which are so deeply entrenched in my unconscious that for the most part I know that I've had no reason to ever have to come across it in real life and yet here I am, think second-long images of the weirdest stuff only to have to wake myself up and say: this is not real. I suppose it could be called hallucinating.
So, basically, for at least the whole of Feb (if not beyond), I am officially screwed. My dad phoned yesterday and I told him since I have new drugs in my system, I am again unreliable with emotions and actions and impulsivity and so he can't plan a holiday for me to go anywhere (it was supposed to be Daresalaam again) this year, either. But I really wanted to get out of Karachi. And my dad was paying, that was the main thing. I just don't have it in me to put up with abrasive fathers and aunts. Especially when I'm the whoreish witch I have become.
My mood swings are too much for my mum, she told me as much yesterday. "I can't put up with these moods. That's why I can't talk to you." Oh, well. The Rs. 1,400 doesn't seem like such a bad investment then after all. Except the shrink lady is cutting me off, probably after tomorrow, I won't have weekly sessions. I'll see her less frequently.
Thursday was a good day, for those 3-4 hours I was with H. Went kind of pear-shaped since my visit to the psychiatrist on Friday. Now I'm just wasted. It's like my elbow and knee joints have cold mercury flowing through them, I don't seem to have 100% control over them, like I did two days ago. God, I need something to push me into doing yoga.
Yeah, there's definitely a tinge of anxiety and paranoia going on here. I am NEVER doing drugs after this. Ever. Tea is fine, no more drugs or bhung or anything like that. I become a thing, and I hate this thing, I can't do anything while I am this thing.
Guess who's staying at home for the foreseeable future now? Out of the public eye. Dammit. It really isn't fair.
The philosophy of being (and doing) versus the philosophy of having.
I feel as though I have been bought off. I don't need a digital camera. It's just another bloody possession which now has to be taken care of because it cost $400 and was a present from so-and-so and. Ugh. I truly would have been really happy with absolutely NOTHING. A bit resentful, maybe, maybe not - who knows. But now I have yet another thing to be possessive about and scared of losing or having it stolen or lost or broken. Stays in my cupboard, I guess.
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