I wanted to write stories. Something magnificent, like 1984. Something completely romantic and heartbreaking, like I Capture the Castle. Even something along the lines of High Fidelity. Or a Gone With The Wind.
Now my super ego says it's a bloody waste of time. Nobody, including myself, will learn anything at all from whatever I write. That, and of course, I am crap at writing and haven't written anything for years and have no ideas or a style with which to work with. The passion is gone.
I wanted to become a counsellor last month. Gung-ho, looking up London counselling centres and finding one that looks perfect on paper: www.minstercentre.org.uk and then, realising that London is one of those pipe dreams that just will hound me for the rest of my life when I am not there and when I am there, all I can think about is the emptiness and loneliness.
Beher haal, I then found that humanistic counselling might be a better thing for me. No such luck. In order to support others, you first need to support yourself. And we all know how good I am at loving myself, giving myself UPR and being in the here and now and working with concretism.
Careers I'd love to try:
selling cinema tickets
working in a (secondhand) book shop
strawberry picker
[that's all I can bloody think of. What a flipping shame.]
"Do strategic thinking." Father, you're telling a depressive or manic depressive or symptomatic of all these disorders just to make things more interesting to use strategy with the mind and emotions. If I knew how to do that, I think I wouldn't need a shrink or an NBS to do it for me, eh? I'd even be a diplomatic kind of a person, the type of living I am more attuned to.
Moan moan moan.
"I want to invent something which is far removed from this boringness. Something that will bring hope and love inside the reader, the way a story about rabbits did with me (Watership Down). Something that will interest me highly to write and therefore others will die to read it the way they did about the HP books.
OK, let's try writing about a character who is of course a part of me, who is back in London. After her nervous breakdown. She's still not well, but she's a different personality from INFP. Possibly an ISFP.
*Ah, shucks. There we go with the Umair fantasies again. I swear, get over him already, woman!*
The girl does not live with dear Papa but with Mama. Does it have to be a girl my age? I don't want it to be. Does it even have to be a girl? Not really, could be a boy loosely based on my expansive experience with boys in my life. Snort. Or rather men. Oh God, that novel would just be a one sided, feministic battering of all men because they are slime and think with their dicks or their guts. Meh. I don't think I'd like to write something like that. And there's too much castrating bullshit out there to begin with.
OK, well is it first or third person? Or second person, whereby the narrator is not the protagonist. I'd prefer third person. To begin with. It can change later on, if I feel like the story needs it to be. I can always interchange but I am not really sure how much I liked that in the books I have read.
Can I make it into a group story: not just one protagonist, but three, maybe four? Do I have enough personality and intuition to do that?
What is the crux of the story? What am I trying to convey? An over arching theme or themes? Or just a small town, pin pointed story that is related to just the characters? Is it a Children of Heaven or is it... well, all stories are pinpointed and particular, never really general. It's always about something on the surface and then you go into the overarching themes of good vs. evil and the triumph of human spirit in front of adversity and suchlike.
Ideally, I should plan it out. What do I mean, ideally? Is there just one method of writing? Hell no! That's like painting by numbers. Compare a painting of a vase vs. any of Monet's stuff. I'm sure he did have a pattern or a method, but I know for a fact that I don't.
Write what you are passionate about, it will become readable.
Now do I do it on the word processor or on plain paper? Where will the muse really be comfortable and stuff? Paper just seems too rigid and alongside waste of trees, there's just a lot of crossing out and linear stuff going on. Unless I make mind maps as well, which is of course a very good idea. I guess I could just do whatever, whenever the mood strikes.
Since I can't concentrate on reading and religion and current affairs and yoga, I'll try this. Any sort of work is not big or small and has worth. Right?"
Now my super ego says it's a bloody waste of time. Nobody, including myself, will learn anything at all from whatever I write. That, and of course, I am crap at writing and haven't written anything for years and have no ideas or a style with which to work with. The passion is gone.
I wanted to become a counsellor last month. Gung-ho, looking up London counselling centres and finding one that looks perfect on paper: www.minstercentre.org.uk and then, realising that London is one of those pipe dreams that just will hound me for the rest of my life when I am not there and when I am there, all I can think about is the emptiness and loneliness.
Beher haal, I then found that humanistic counselling might be a better thing for me. No such luck. In order to support others, you first need to support yourself. And we all know how good I am at loving myself, giving myself UPR and being in the here and now and working with concretism.
Careers I'd love to try:
selling cinema tickets
working in a (secondhand) book shop
strawberry picker
[that's all I can bloody think of. What a flipping shame.]
"Do strategic thinking." Father, you're telling a depressive or manic depressive or symptomatic of all these disorders just to make things more interesting to use strategy with the mind and emotions. If I knew how to do that, I think I wouldn't need a shrink or an NBS to do it for me, eh? I'd even be a diplomatic kind of a person, the type of living I am more attuned to.
Moan moan moan.
"I want to invent something which is far removed from this boringness. Something that will bring hope and love inside the reader, the way a story about rabbits did with me (Watership Down). Something that will interest me highly to write and therefore others will die to read it the way they did about the HP books.
OK, let's try writing about a character who is of course a part of me, who is back in London. After her nervous breakdown. She's still not well, but she's a different personality from INFP. Possibly an ISFP.
*Ah, shucks. There we go with the Umair fantasies again. I swear, get over him already, woman!*
The girl does not live with dear Papa but with Mama. Does it have to be a girl my age? I don't want it to be. Does it even have to be a girl? Not really, could be a boy loosely based on my expansive experience with boys in my life. Snort. Or rather men. Oh God, that novel would just be a one sided, feministic battering of all men because they are slime and think with their dicks or their guts. Meh. I don't think I'd like to write something like that. And there's too much castrating bullshit out there to begin with.
OK, well is it first or third person? Or second person, whereby the narrator is not the protagonist. I'd prefer third person. To begin with. It can change later on, if I feel like the story needs it to be. I can always interchange but I am not really sure how much I liked that in the books I have read.
Can I make it into a group story: not just one protagonist, but three, maybe four? Do I have enough personality and intuition to do that?
What is the crux of the story? What am I trying to convey? An over arching theme or themes? Or just a small town, pin pointed story that is related to just the characters? Is it a Children of Heaven or is it... well, all stories are pinpointed and particular, never really general. It's always about something on the surface and then you go into the overarching themes of good vs. evil and the triumph of human spirit in front of adversity and suchlike.
Ideally, I should plan it out. What do I mean, ideally? Is there just one method of writing? Hell no! That's like painting by numbers. Compare a painting of a vase vs. any of Monet's stuff. I'm sure he did have a pattern or a method, but I know for a fact that I don't.
Write what you are passionate about, it will become readable.
Now do I do it on the word processor or on plain paper? Where will the muse really be comfortable and stuff? Paper just seems too rigid and alongside waste of trees, there's just a lot of crossing out and linear stuff going on. Unless I make mind maps as well, which is of course a very good idea. I guess I could just do whatever, whenever the mood strikes.
Since I can't concentrate on reading and religion and current affairs and yoga, I'll try this. Any sort of work is not big or small and has worth. Right?"
Comments
is what am impatient fan would say...
however i am a friend and will wait...patiently...but it better come!
no pressure.
You've thought so much already so thats good, you do have it in you!