I have to get this out while it's still fresh.
I still don't like her; I don't trust her and just thinking about going to the session today stressed me out so much. Then of course, there was an emergency for one of the patients in the psych ward and another of her clients came later than their appointed time so she saw me at 7:15 pm. And I was just building up all this resentment and anxiety and irritation till I snapped at my mum and then burst out crying.
She makes me think that it's all my fault and the way they push it on you: you have the ability to change, only you can make your life and all that rubbish. I know that. I fucking know that you twat. I want that fucking magic pill or treatment or epiphany and if it doesn't happen then this is indeed a very unfair deal. She said she's never had a case of negative transference: I may the first patient.
She makes me feel so uncomfortable and a waste of time and space: I'm not as bad as many other patients who are institutionalized and she has clients who are famous actors, musicians and politicians and has been on tv so many times. Well, what am I supposed to do? Prostrate? Go "Oooh, ahhh you're so great I know you'll cure me in 5-6 sessions". Continue on my celebrity worshiping ways? My fucking arse.
I think I seriously don't want to get well. Because if I do, I lose a lot of my identity as a person. She scares me. I just can't seem to bring myself to like her or trust her. And it's got nothing to do whatsoever with the hospital room. Or if it does, well it doesn't.
I hate myself for doing this to myself and not finding a way out by myself so I am not at the mercy of other peoples' judgements and that I just constantly show myself as weak. And that I think so much about myself. Self absorption or whatever.
Why can't I just fucking die? Forget suicide. It's not going to happen when I try. Just let me die and get over this pain. Insecurity: not knowing who is right, who isn't. Is the guy from South Devon right, is Stephen Fry right, is a shrink who's never gone through depression in her life right?
She half makes me want to kill myself so I don't have to go through the humiliation of seeing her next week.
I am so angry right now: at myself of course, but I have to project in order for my self image not to explode all over the computer keyboard. So I am angry at her, very angry. Yeah, that's it. Giving me senseless homework stuff to do and me not even understanding how the fuck that is going to help me.
My purpose in life: to pay shrinks their fees. To be a person to be ridiculed. To be an example of an arrogant and self absorbed patient/ case study: whatever who fools herself into thinking she feel she is inferior. The stupid HFD analysis is right the first time round.
How on earth can you say I should think like Muhammad (SAWW) or Hussain (AS)? They were infallibles: that was their job. They could practically see God and Heaven. It was theirs. And me?
I'm a useless piece of trash that doesn't know what's best for her, doesn't know how to get out of this, doesn't know the correct thing to say to the shrink to make her shut up.
I still don't like her; I don't trust her and just thinking about going to the session today stressed me out so much. Then of course, there was an emergency for one of the patients in the psych ward and another of her clients came later than their appointed time so she saw me at 7:15 pm. And I was just building up all this resentment and anxiety and irritation till I snapped at my mum and then burst out crying.
She makes me think that it's all my fault and the way they push it on you: you have the ability to change, only you can make your life and all that rubbish. I know that. I fucking know that you twat. I want that fucking magic pill or treatment or epiphany and if it doesn't happen then this is indeed a very unfair deal. She said she's never had a case of negative transference: I may the first patient.
She makes me feel so uncomfortable and a waste of time and space: I'm not as bad as many other patients who are institutionalized and she has clients who are famous actors, musicians and politicians and has been on tv so many times. Well, what am I supposed to do? Prostrate? Go "Oooh, ahhh you're so great I know you'll cure me in 5-6 sessions". Continue on my celebrity worshiping ways? My fucking arse.
I think I seriously don't want to get well. Because if I do, I lose a lot of my identity as a person. She scares me. I just can't seem to bring myself to like her or trust her. And it's got nothing to do whatsoever with the hospital room. Or if it does, well it doesn't.
I hate myself for doing this to myself and not finding a way out by myself so I am not at the mercy of other peoples' judgements and that I just constantly show myself as weak. And that I think so much about myself. Self absorption or whatever.
Why can't I just fucking die? Forget suicide. It's not going to happen when I try. Just let me die and get over this pain. Insecurity: not knowing who is right, who isn't. Is the guy from South Devon right, is Stephen Fry right, is a shrink who's never gone through depression in her life right?
She half makes me want to kill myself so I don't have to go through the humiliation of seeing her next week.
I am so angry right now: at myself of course, but I have to project in order for my self image not to explode all over the computer keyboard. So I am angry at her, very angry. Yeah, that's it. Giving me senseless homework stuff to do and me not even understanding how the fuck that is going to help me.
My purpose in life: to pay shrinks their fees. To be a person to be ridiculed. To be an example of an arrogant and self absorbed patient/ case study: whatever who fools herself into thinking she feel she is inferior. The stupid HFD analysis is right the first time round.
How on earth can you say I should think like Muhammad (SAWW) or Hussain (AS)? They were infallibles: that was their job. They could practically see God and Heaven. It was theirs. And me?
I'm a useless piece of trash that doesn't know what's best for her, doesn't know how to get out of this, doesn't know the correct thing to say to the shrink to make her shut up.