Thoughts
A 99er costs one pound fifty now.
There's no fun in making daisy chains anymore.
I avoid bakeries because they are too expensive.
Heaven is in a 39p European chocolate bar.
Reality
It's the 6th of Ramadhan today; I'm already tired. Of course, not doing nothing helps that as well. I went to my shrink last week, and the things she says always makes sense inside of her room, but once I am home, I feel as helpless as before. At least she changed my medication, though it's just a hit 'n miss.
I was going through a list of my favourite movies: there are so many US films but none are black films. And very few foreign films from France, Canada or somewhere like Iran or Palestine. I need to broaden my viewing even further. Although the French films that I have seen are rubbish and I regret watching them for the sake of culture. France = culture? BS. I'm still trying to watch films which have no or minimal sex in them. And I don't feel bad about it; many more worthwhile films out there don't need sexuality as a prop.
I did a ridiculous thing but did it anyway because I felt like it. I messaged Umair again. I might get lucky and he won't ever go on MSN to check his offlines. Such a jerk, me.
Inside
There's a stillness going on in my soul and heart. A good stillness. Whether or not I get it, I can still hope for His mercy and help in this month, can't I? After all, that's why it exists.
Telephone
I have a better relationship with my dad over the telephone than when we are together. Can't see any point of my living in London ever, with the crap weather and the isolation and the expense and other issues. Just because I was born in the UK... it really means nothing. Except that I can travel anywhere in the EU without a visa. I am definitely NOT British. I am really appreciating the term 'global citizen'. You can't really believably expect to become if you label yourself on the basis of where you were born, into which family you were born etc. Then you become just that - the place or the family, with no room for growth into a human.
Personhood
To lend credence to your becoming, your relationship with God has to be defined, whether it's really bad and hypocritical, or better than that. After defining it, you can decide whether you want to let it deteriorate, stagnate and then deteriorate or improve. Giving up God will not make the difficulties go - they all remain the same or increase in intensity. The depression, the family unit, the lack of direction. You're not escaping Him, it's not an option though you deceive yourself by shutting the eyes and the ears.
And the small things like governments, corporations, ideologies, authorotarianism, arrogance, pollution, people and all other things in general will get to you even more.
I mean, you're already at a loss, clinging to the edge. Isn't it better that you have some hope that He knows? A consolidated faith is required. Desperately. Especially for someone like me, who has no other hooks like people, friends, family, work, life.
But hope is lost so easily. This month, I don't have my bloody evil twin making it so easy to forget, to not care, to give up. So, things come into a sort of surreal, heavenly form. Whereby I read the Qur'an and understand the translation, relate it to what's going on in the world. That's as far as I've gotten this month.
But what happens in the other 11 months? Last year, I gave up really easily on the 1st of Shawwal. And then again in Muharram. My mosque attendance is really low and that can't help, can it? It's really appalling to see how few people are coming to the mosque, when I used to live here, it used to be very full.
Changes
I changed the title of my blog because I really don't deserve to find the truth, and so far, the truths I have faced up to have just weakened me further. Such lofty ideals I had. Such intensity was not mean for humans to experience. Or at least, as lowly a human as I am.
Also, it allows me to state such trivial things as 'I want a big lemon and lime ice lolly right about now' and feel okay about it. Gleeful, even.
Actually, I wouldn't mind a 99er right about now. Original price, of course!
A 99er costs one pound fifty now.
There's no fun in making daisy chains anymore.
I avoid bakeries because they are too expensive.
Heaven is in a 39p European chocolate bar.
Reality
It's the 6th of Ramadhan today; I'm already tired. Of course, not doing nothing helps that as well. I went to my shrink last week, and the things she says always makes sense inside of her room, but once I am home, I feel as helpless as before. At least she changed my medication, though it's just a hit 'n miss.
I was going through a list of my favourite movies: there are so many US films but none are black films. And very few foreign films from France, Canada or somewhere like Iran or Palestine. I need to broaden my viewing even further. Although the French films that I have seen are rubbish and I regret watching them for the sake of culture. France = culture? BS. I'm still trying to watch films which have no or minimal sex in them. And I don't feel bad about it; many more worthwhile films out there don't need sexuality as a prop.
I did a ridiculous thing but did it anyway because I felt like it. I messaged Umair again. I might get lucky and he won't ever go on MSN to check his offlines. Such a jerk, me.
Inside
There's a stillness going on in my soul and heart. A good stillness. Whether or not I get it, I can still hope for His mercy and help in this month, can't I? After all, that's why it exists.
Telephone
I have a better relationship with my dad over the telephone than when we are together. Can't see any point of my living in London ever, with the crap weather and the isolation and the expense and other issues. Just because I was born in the UK... it really means nothing. Except that I can travel anywhere in the EU without a visa. I am definitely NOT British. I am really appreciating the term 'global citizen'. You can't really believably expect to become if you label yourself on the basis of where you were born, into which family you were born etc. Then you become just that - the place or the family, with no room for growth into a human.
Personhood
To lend credence to your becoming, your relationship with God has to be defined, whether it's really bad and hypocritical, or better than that. After defining it, you can decide whether you want to let it deteriorate, stagnate and then deteriorate or improve. Giving up God will not make the difficulties go - they all remain the same or increase in intensity. The depression, the family unit, the lack of direction. You're not escaping Him, it's not an option though you deceive yourself by shutting the eyes and the ears.
And the small things like governments, corporations, ideologies, authorotarianism, arrogance, pollution, people and all other things in general will get to you even more.
I mean, you're already at a loss, clinging to the edge. Isn't it better that you have some hope that He knows? A consolidated faith is required. Desperately. Especially for someone like me, who has no other hooks like people, friends, family, work, life.
But hope is lost so easily. This month, I don't have my bloody evil twin making it so easy to forget, to not care, to give up. So, things come into a sort of surreal, heavenly form. Whereby I read the Qur'an and understand the translation, relate it to what's going on in the world. That's as far as I've gotten this month.
But what happens in the other 11 months? Last year, I gave up really easily on the 1st of Shawwal. And then again in Muharram. My mosque attendance is really low and that can't help, can it? It's really appalling to see how few people are coming to the mosque, when I used to live here, it used to be very full.
Changes
I changed the title of my blog because I really don't deserve to find the truth, and so far, the truths I have faced up to have just weakened me further. Such lofty ideals I had. Such intensity was not mean for humans to experience. Or at least, as lowly a human as I am.
Also, it allows me to state such trivial things as 'I want a big lemon and lime ice lolly right about now' and feel okay about it. Gleeful, even.
Actually, I wouldn't mind a 99er right about now. Original price, of course!
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