Multifaceted human
My mum. God, all I want to do is put her in a box and make her a stable figure in my eyes. Reality is the opposite. She only opens up once in a while and, therefore, it's huge for me. "All I have to hold on to is my Montessori. And that's it." The despair is real enough. I can't really empathise because I'm a drifter.
Drifting drifters, rebels without an aim
Us drifters really annoy the hell out of all of the people who have pulled their shit together. We annoy, we are a source of revulsion, we are the Bogeymen of this busy, busy, spiralling, chaotic, butterfly effect world. I justify my drifting now, today, as part of my depression because to call it what it might also be - laziness and stupidity - is to accept that I am failing and that I am comfortable with it.
كوٴي كام كر رهي هو "Koi job kar rahi ho?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"How about teaching? I have friends who can get you a job."
Wearily: "No, I don't want to teach."
"An office job?"
Shudder. "No."
"Then what do you want to do with your life? I know, shaadi karlo. Achhi baat hai."
Automatically: "Yup, seems like a good plan. I'll do that, then."
I've always liked having a B type personality with regards to stress because I just hate being stressed, it makes me ill so quickly. And, I give up very easily. And now, it's biting myself in the ass. OK, so I had a major depressive episode in June 2007 - let's extend it's duration till June of this year, for example. So now, the physicality of the disease is in control with the Prozac and I now have to do the rest of the work, no more sympathy form family, shrink or friends. In a nutshell, I need to change my entire way of thinking about myself, not feel sorry for myself and get busy by exercising, doing things like volunteering and finally taking the plunge and work a job and be pretty damned happy about being employed in any capacity.
Wait a minute. I didn't write this part of my life script. I refuse to play it. And that's why my bum is so raw, with all the bite marks.This all goes back to the...
Drifting
I keep telling myself I am trying my hardest to get out of the pit, to kick Barney in the balls. I tell my mum that, my dad that - but there's always my plea for sympathy underneath it all. I've got to be interested in something, right? That's why I am put on Earth, right? And yet - I keep drawing blanks, I am completely and utterly blinkered.
I don't trust myself, that's why. To make a good decision. I'd say the right decision, but then there's not really such a thing. At least I'm trying to think grey. A good decision can be made and then you hope for the best, since the fallout is basically not in your control as much as was the decision you made. But I've made some pretty stupid decisions, I think. Or, actually, it's the fact that I really haven't made any decisions for myself, except for the entire "let's try to be a Brit all over again" exercise. And that turned out horrible. I fear failure and that's all it is. Better to not do anything and have an excuse for leading this life than take a risk, fail and then lead this life.
And no matter how many people talk to me, how many articles I read, how many times I read the Quranic verse: "God does not help a people unless they help themselves" - I'm always going to have the same standard wiring for my thoughts.
See, even by writing the former sentence, I've just, once again, strengthened that particular thought pattern.
My mum. God, all I want to do is put her in a box and make her a stable figure in my eyes. Reality is the opposite. She only opens up once in a while and, therefore, it's huge for me. "All I have to hold on to is my Montessori. And that's it." The despair is real enough. I can't really empathise because I'm a drifter.
Drifting drifters, rebels without an aim
Us drifters really annoy the hell out of all of the people who have pulled their shit together. We annoy, we are a source of revulsion, we are the Bogeymen of this busy, busy, spiralling, chaotic, butterfly effect world. I justify my drifting now, today, as part of my depression because to call it what it might also be - laziness and stupidity - is to accept that I am failing and that I am comfortable with it.
كوٴي كام كر رهي هو "Koi job kar rahi ho?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"How about teaching? I have friends who can get you a job."
Wearily: "No, I don't want to teach."
"An office job?"
Shudder. "No."
"Then what do you want to do with your life? I know, shaadi karlo. Achhi baat hai."
Automatically: "Yup, seems like a good plan. I'll do that, then."
I've always liked having a B type personality with regards to stress because I just hate being stressed, it makes me ill so quickly. And, I give up very easily. And now, it's biting myself in the ass. OK, so I had a major depressive episode in June 2007 - let's extend it's duration till June of this year, for example. So now, the physicality of the disease is in control with the Prozac and I now have to do the rest of the work, no more sympathy form family, shrink or friends. In a nutshell, I need to change my entire way of thinking about myself, not feel sorry for myself and get busy by exercising, doing things like volunteering and finally taking the plunge and work a job and be pretty damned happy about being employed in any capacity.
Wait a minute. I didn't write this part of my life script. I refuse to play it. And that's why my bum is so raw, with all the bite marks.This all goes back to the...
Drifting
I keep telling myself I am trying my hardest to get out of the pit, to kick Barney in the balls. I tell my mum that, my dad that - but there's always my plea for sympathy underneath it all. I've got to be interested in something, right? That's why I am put on Earth, right? And yet - I keep drawing blanks, I am completely and utterly blinkered.
I don't trust myself, that's why. To make a good decision. I'd say the right decision, but then there's not really such a thing. At least I'm trying to think grey. A good decision can be made and then you hope for the best, since the fallout is basically not in your control as much as was the decision you made. But I've made some pretty stupid decisions, I think. Or, actually, it's the fact that I really haven't made any decisions for myself, except for the entire "let's try to be a Brit all over again" exercise. And that turned out horrible. I fear failure and that's all it is. Better to not do anything and have an excuse for leading this life than take a risk, fail and then lead this life.
And no matter how many people talk to me, how many articles I read, how many times I read the Quranic verse: "God does not help a people unless they help themselves" - I'm always going to have the same standard wiring for my thoughts.
See, even by writing the former sentence, I've just, once again, strengthened that particular thought pattern.
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