That's going to be my job description if I ever get back on Facebook. I am actually not missing it, which is fucking excellent news. I have been eating crap, crap and more junk since forever and I really hate myself for this. And Longley actually comes up with 'Comfort eating isn't dangerous - everyone does it' - I was looking at her and wanted to think 'Hmph. I am not everyone and who cares what you think, you skinny bean? I have principles, and one of them is not to comfort eat and to treat your body like a temple.' Then again, if I am willing to drug this body of mine with frigging paracetamol and hypericum, then my argument doesn't really stand, now does it?
I had a series of really weird and nonsensical dreams. The one that was last one and the one I wish had continued was about how I was in a relationship with this slim, attractive white male in his early 30s (but shaved head) and he was hurt because his ex-lover had said some mean things to him and although he wasn't crying then, I knew that as soon as we entered the house he would burst out crying and I wanted to be there to hug him. But before I could go into the room where he was, I freaking woke up. It was the most realistic dream I have had in ages. I don't even want to know what dear Freudian analysts would have to say about that dream. It was most certainly in my unconsciousness; I've never seen a man like that before in my life, nor have I ever thought of that type of male as attractive. But I felt as though I loved him so much, and what's worse, that he genuinely loved me. I don't however imagine myself with someone who is not a virgin, so God knows.
I think it's because I didn't take my tablet last night and took both this morning, instead. Herr Doktor forced me to double the dosage because of statistics. Who bleeding cares about statistics? I am a naturalist - I want my body to freaking heal itself. And because the bloody NHS won't allow me chiropractic care, I am stuck. I actually apologised to her for wanting two packs of tablets prescribed to me so that I only had to pay one prescription fee. Oh, the humiliation.
Unfortunately, my take on the first CBT is negative. Naturally. Hope next week is better. Have to tell her that my aim is also to improve my reaction to family members.
Why does it just seem that this whole existence of mine is a mistake? That somehow, I was sent instead of the person who really was supposed to inhabit this body. And, of course, I have felt like this for years now. When I have bothered to think about it, because at other times I have been trying to morph into that other person but it just doesn't work, does it?
And what's completely crazy is that I am an INFP but I don't really feel like bringing harmony with others, helping others. I am only conflict-evasive with people outside of my family; within my family I can give as good as I get. But then, that wasn't always the case, was it? And...and... I am not intuitive. I am not really that imaginative. I can't imagine for shit. I just have a few ideas that came to me in childhood and I haven't even bothered to update them. And it's always about finding my soul mate and getting a career. Nothing to do with ending world poverty or helping kids from a silent death, the way I have. I mean, there's no reality in these dreams. Just fuzzy abstract nuances of an idea. I am certainly not creative.
And if I am such a bloody introvert, why is staying in the house by myself depressing me more. It's slightly frustrating as well. As in, you are such a wimp, you can't go out.
I'll probably end up asking my dad to go with me to Edgware, at this rate. Funk.
For the record, I did nothing today. Music was boring me. Just sat and watched a bunch of stand up comics doing their thang. Laughing like a hysterical maniac. And I could hear Jamie at home in the morning and Katie at home, on the other side of the wall. It's not winter holidays as yet, so why were they both home?
The peace of oblivion. When shall it come?
I had a series of really weird and nonsensical dreams. The one that was last one and the one I wish had continued was about how I was in a relationship with this slim, attractive white male in his early 30s (but shaved head) and he was hurt because his ex-lover had said some mean things to him and although he wasn't crying then, I knew that as soon as we entered the house he would burst out crying and I wanted to be there to hug him. But before I could go into the room where he was, I freaking woke up. It was the most realistic dream I have had in ages. I don't even want to know what dear Freudian analysts would have to say about that dream. It was most certainly in my unconsciousness; I've never seen a man like that before in my life, nor have I ever thought of that type of male as attractive. But I felt as though I loved him so much, and what's worse, that he genuinely loved me. I don't however imagine myself with someone who is not a virgin, so God knows.
I think it's because I didn't take my tablet last night and took both this morning, instead. Herr Doktor forced me to double the dosage because of statistics. Who bleeding cares about statistics? I am a naturalist - I want my body to freaking heal itself. And because the bloody NHS won't allow me chiropractic care, I am stuck. I actually apologised to her for wanting two packs of tablets prescribed to me so that I only had to pay one prescription fee. Oh, the humiliation.
Unfortunately, my take on the first CBT is negative. Naturally. Hope next week is better. Have to tell her that my aim is also to improve my reaction to family members.
Why does it just seem that this whole existence of mine is a mistake? That somehow, I was sent instead of the person who really was supposed to inhabit this body. And, of course, I have felt like this for years now. When I have bothered to think about it, because at other times I have been trying to morph into that other person but it just doesn't work, does it?
And what's completely crazy is that I am an INFP but I don't really feel like bringing harmony with others, helping others. I am only conflict-evasive with people outside of my family; within my family I can give as good as I get. But then, that wasn't always the case, was it? And...and... I am not intuitive. I am not really that imaginative. I can't imagine for shit. I just have a few ideas that came to me in childhood and I haven't even bothered to update them. And it's always about finding my soul mate and getting a career. Nothing to do with ending world poverty or helping kids from a silent death, the way I have. I mean, there's no reality in these dreams. Just fuzzy abstract nuances of an idea. I am certainly not creative.
And if I am such a bloody introvert, why is staying in the house by myself depressing me more. It's slightly frustrating as well. As in, you are such a wimp, you can't go out.
I'll probably end up asking my dad to go with me to Edgware, at this rate. Funk.
For the record, I did nothing today. Music was boring me. Just sat and watched a bunch of stand up comics doing their thang. Laughing like a hysterical maniac. And I could hear Jamie at home in the morning and Katie at home, on the other side of the wall. It's not winter holidays as yet, so why were they both home?
The peace of oblivion. When shall it come?