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My poor child

A shudder had just passed through my head. I am not sure whether I should be writing this right now. But I have to. There is no one to talk to about this. Not even Anouska. After all, we're supposed to be talking about me and my personal definition of what makes my life so shit. And, after all of this, I am still depressed and I still lack self-esteem and I still have no idea how to claw myself out of this.

And yet, my mother. I never thought I would be able to make any linkages today. I really didn't. But I have repressed this because I thought that there was nothing to be done if she wouldn't speak to me about it. Fuck. I want her to go into therapy.

How on earth could they be so stupid? How could my Nana's obsessive desire to stay in the good books of the family make him sacrifice the integrity of his own family? Screw the fact that Batool has schizophrenia. And for that fucking man who doesn't deserve the name he was given.

How could he send Mummy so far away? I am getting angry now. I have repressed this because I didn't want to hurt her. She has repressed it so well. Until recently, of course. Was it last year or the year before when she spoke about it? She has EVERY FUCKING RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.

I think I am going to screw everything and talk to her about it. I HAVE to. I want to help her; to heal her pain. I can never imagine how it would be to be sexually abused by someone who you thought was your 'brother'. And then you can't tell your Mum. So you tell your Dad. And what does he do? He sends you to boarding school in India. As Anouska says, it's like a punitive measure to someone who is just 13 years old.

I am getting really agitated right now. I want to kill that man.
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