I am a simpleton. I've established that much today. The question is that whether it's just a result of my lack of intellect or my upbringing. I think it's the result of both.
I have a simple-minded family. My mum, my aunts, my dad just think about the day-to-day. But it's not really just that. They are just simple. For lack of a better adjective. After all, it has been established that I have no intellect so it's not as though I will be able to express myself anymore.
And me with my stupid imagination. I've watched the film Bubble Boy. I'm that. Since I prefer the masculine over the feminine. I live in my bubble. I have no experiences. Not with the five senses. It's the bloody myth of a sixth sense that I don't have. I don't know how to use my five senses. To experience things. I've been to Havana and to Iran. And how the hell did that help me? I was least interested in what my five senses picked up. I was worried about preserving my religion in the former and was trying to keep my marbles together in the latter. Although, for a religious pilgrimage, it sure did flop. I've lost my faith and it might not be directly caused by that, but indirectly...
I mean, look at Hareem. She's so frigging street smart. Fine, so she would eat kela-roti for lunch and play dark room and she introduced me to chilli chips and stuff. But look at her now. She's a tennis fiend, sleepovers with guys, she's sharing a flat with her friends. She acted at her brother's mehendi (although she didn't dance because her parents didn't let her) and then she is accepting of Ali getting married to someone much more religious than they are. It's a fucking paradox. She volunteered at Darul Sakoon, and if I was at FPS I am sure that would have just freaked me out. She watches a heck of a lot of television and she cuts up clothes. Not that I am setting out to figure her out (or her frigging MBTI type, God forbid).
I'm done with that especially when I thought Umair was an ESFP when he's an ISFP. How could I make a fundamental mistake between extroversion and introversion? Because it's what I wanted it to be. It's not as though I actually know him.
Note I am calling him Umair. Mairy is the nickname his sister gave him so wtf am I doing using it? I'm not going to talk to him anymore, not even to send him film titles. Because I am acting like a dickhead and because he never likes anything I suggest anyway. If I'm going to have a stupid, retarded crush on him, I'd better not let it affect him. I mean, he was talking about frigging his new, ill-fitting Nike shoes and what should he do with them....do you really think I care? He makes a big deal about socks and...well, anyway. This is the last time I allow you to think about him like this.
Get a frigging sex-change, for crying out loud. Then start liking girls.
I have this sense of false pride and it's not the Marxist way of thinking. Well, in a way it is. All of my friends, older, the same age or younger than me, people I know passingly have a gusto for doing things. I'm also a pseudo-intellectual. It's thanks to the fact that I am a type 4 with w5 so people like me mistake themselves for a type 5, until they probably enter university. That's when I realised that I really had no passion for experiencing, learning or remembering new things.
Caro is a type 5. She's been a professional student for ten years and has a tome of information and facts in her head that she keeps using and adding to. I really admire her for it. I can't even remember the third type of cloud. There's cirrus, cumulus and I'm thinking the third is strata. But who cares, eh?
So fucking Romantics/Idealists. I am going to stop thinking of myself as an INFP. Just think of myself as a fucking retard. A simpleton. Without a past, present or future to be proud of. I mean, if someone is as screwed up as I am, one imagines them to have had some sort of horrible scars, a sordid past.
My past is embarrassing. Because it was so easily avoidable, perhaps. Because it was so mundanely stupid. It was really stupid. Simpleton's hell. No visions of angels at age four, no sudden inspiration whereby I would write tomes of poetry or a novel to deal with my pain. Just hours of solid television and arguments over which room I was going to sleep in that year and eating daal for a week in a row.
And now, it feels like severe depression to me, but it's probably as the doctor says and moderate. So, that doesn't help one to create. Just to destroy. And think retarded thought that are of no use.
Sometimes I wish I was an INFJ, just so that my personality would be the most rare and I would have great intuition and visions etc. But I think I feel sorry for the buggers who are INFJs. They must have a really shit time of it. They are probably the schizophrenics and bi-polars of our world. I haven't ever met one, I don't think.
Shame. It would be fun to meet a few INFPs and INFJs. Not that I would be able to bond with them because they are alien creatures, but just so I could see what a high functioning, well adjusted personality type looks and acts like.
Descriptive Adjectives for Low Functioning Fours
Self-Reproachful -------Avoids Ordinariness
Self-pitying ------------Impractical
Melancholic ------------Depressed
Despairing -------------Alienated
Tormented ------------Hopeless
Exempt ---------------Fears Success
So that's that. All I am is a simple, ordinary, irritating low-functioning four. And I'm a fucking brownie.
I have a simple-minded family. My mum, my aunts, my dad just think about the day-to-day. But it's not really just that. They are just simple. For lack of a better adjective. After all, it has been established that I have no intellect so it's not as though I will be able to express myself anymore.
And me with my stupid imagination. I've watched the film Bubble Boy. I'm that. Since I prefer the masculine over the feminine. I live in my bubble. I have no experiences. Not with the five senses. It's the bloody myth of a sixth sense that I don't have. I don't know how to use my five senses. To experience things. I've been to Havana and to Iran. And how the hell did that help me? I was least interested in what my five senses picked up. I was worried about preserving my religion in the former and was trying to keep my marbles together in the latter. Although, for a religious pilgrimage, it sure did flop. I've lost my faith and it might not be directly caused by that, but indirectly...
I mean, look at Hareem. She's so frigging street smart. Fine, so she would eat kela-roti for lunch and play dark room and she introduced me to chilli chips and stuff. But look at her now. She's a tennis fiend, sleepovers with guys, she's sharing a flat with her friends. She acted at her brother's mehendi (although she didn't dance because her parents didn't let her) and then she is accepting of Ali getting married to someone much more religious than they are. It's a fucking paradox. She volunteered at Darul Sakoon, and if I was at FPS I am sure that would have just freaked me out. She watches a heck of a lot of television and she cuts up clothes. Not that I am setting out to figure her out (or her frigging MBTI type, God forbid).
I'm done with that especially when I thought Umair was an ESFP when he's an ISFP. How could I make a fundamental mistake between extroversion and introversion? Because it's what I wanted it to be. It's not as though I actually know him.
Note I am calling him Umair. Mairy is the nickname his sister gave him so wtf am I doing using it? I'm not going to talk to him anymore, not even to send him film titles. Because I am acting like a dickhead and because he never likes anything I suggest anyway. If I'm going to have a stupid, retarded crush on him, I'd better not let it affect him. I mean, he was talking about frigging his new, ill-fitting Nike shoes and what should he do with them....do you really think I care? He makes a big deal about socks and...well, anyway. This is the last time I allow you to think about him like this.
Get a frigging sex-change, for crying out loud. Then start liking girls.
I have this sense of false pride and it's not the Marxist way of thinking. Well, in a way it is. All of my friends, older, the same age or younger than me, people I know passingly have a gusto for doing things. I'm also a pseudo-intellectual. It's thanks to the fact that I am a type 4 with w5 so people like me mistake themselves for a type 5, until they probably enter university. That's when I realised that I really had no passion for experiencing, learning or remembering new things.
Caro is a type 5. She's been a professional student for ten years and has a tome of information and facts in her head that she keeps using and adding to. I really admire her for it. I can't even remember the third type of cloud. There's cirrus, cumulus and I'm thinking the third is strata. But who cares, eh?
So fucking Romantics/Idealists. I am going to stop thinking of myself as an INFP. Just think of myself as a fucking retard. A simpleton. Without a past, present or future to be proud of. I mean, if someone is as screwed up as I am, one imagines them to have had some sort of horrible scars, a sordid past.
My past is embarrassing. Because it was so easily avoidable, perhaps. Because it was so mundanely stupid. It was really stupid. Simpleton's hell. No visions of angels at age four, no sudden inspiration whereby I would write tomes of poetry or a novel to deal with my pain. Just hours of solid television and arguments over which room I was going to sleep in that year and eating daal for a week in a row.
And now, it feels like severe depression to me, but it's probably as the doctor says and moderate. So, that doesn't help one to create. Just to destroy. And think retarded thought that are of no use.
Sometimes I wish I was an INFJ, just so that my personality would be the most rare and I would have great intuition and visions etc. But I think I feel sorry for the buggers who are INFJs. They must have a really shit time of it. They are probably the schizophrenics and bi-polars of our world. I haven't ever met one, I don't think.
Shame. It would be fun to meet a few INFPs and INFJs. Not that I would be able to bond with them because they are alien creatures, but just so I could see what a high functioning, well adjusted personality type looks and acts like.
Descriptive Adjectives for Low Functioning Fours
Self-Reproachful -------Avoids Ordinariness
Self-pitying ------------Impractical
Melancholic ------------Depressed
Despairing -------------Alienated
Tormented ------------Hopeless
Exempt ---------------Fears Success
So that's that. All I am is a simple, ordinary, irritating low-functioning four. And I'm a fucking brownie.
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