Everyone feels. We all suffer the same emotions. Some of us can sublimate and come up with a song or a film, others just break. Others just pretend they don't have feelings.
I really am in hate with Umair. He pisses me off big time. Why the fuck does he write to me after 3 months of silence, only to go away again? Fucking twat. So what if he thinks I'm too intense? Doesn't he have the decency to TELL me that he doesn't want to write to me any more? That he thinks I am crazy to want to lend him money for a plane ticket etc? I know that already. Kiersey is so fucking right - I am projecting all of my values onto him; imagining him to be this soulful artist when he is just a plain old artisan, hedonistic in his worldview.
Not that I am any better. All I do is stay at home and sulk. I have an opportunity to go out tomorrow but I have no idea at this point if I will go. I need to get out, eat some aaloo samosas and just talk to a friend.
Emerson says that we shouldn't be afraid to be who we are, we shouldn't aim for consistency because we are fluid and in flux. But, Emerson, you are definitely an NF, and that is alright, but what about the rest of the world? Kiersey is right once again - not all of us want self-actualization. Even I didn't want it in the beginning. Some of us want material success, possession of things, some of us want knowledge, some of us want security.
I want to DO good and BE good and find myself. And only Ian Martin understands, because he himself is an NF but a functional one, even if his marriage failed. He gets duas from me each day. It's in my heartbeats and my bloodstream, the thanks I give to all of my teachers and to everyone who has ever been kind to me and let me be myself. Aleisha, for example. Sarah, for example. They just accept me a little. No fucking Pygmalion Projects going on there.
I can't have children because I won't be able to resist twisting their little souls, first with my depression and second with other things, the desire to make them 'perfect'.
Kiersey says that NFs are choleric, which I get. But is it possible to be melancholic as well, or have I just taken that in from Mummy? I think that's about right. She's definitely a Guardian. So is my father. God, how much I hate them for bringing me into this world. They had it wrong. Bringing kids into the world, in the state it is now, is one heck of a selfish thing to do.
People are mundane, fallible. I like angels. They are infallible, for the most part.
I am seriously considering just going to Pakistan in April while my dad goes to Dar-e-salaam. I don't think, well today at least, I want to come back here. To emptiness, to isolation, to efficiency, to whatever else there is here. There are many good things here, but I feel soulless without my mother. Her place is here. She should be here. She isn't. I miss her, the her I knew when I was 6. Even though my dad scared the shit out of me, even then.
Is there going to be a way out or am I just going to continue in this vein of stupidity? Look, forget the universe and all that crap. I am nothing. And I have some really crap people whose numbers and email addresses I haven't lost. I mean, why the hell did I decide to make 'friends' with certain people? What a load of croc.
I really am in hate with Umair. He pisses me off big time. Why the fuck does he write to me after 3 months of silence, only to go away again? Fucking twat. So what if he thinks I'm too intense? Doesn't he have the decency to TELL me that he doesn't want to write to me any more? That he thinks I am crazy to want to lend him money for a plane ticket etc? I know that already. Kiersey is so fucking right - I am projecting all of my values onto him; imagining him to be this soulful artist when he is just a plain old artisan, hedonistic in his worldview.
Not that I am any better. All I do is stay at home and sulk. I have an opportunity to go out tomorrow but I have no idea at this point if I will go. I need to get out, eat some aaloo samosas and just talk to a friend.
Emerson says that we shouldn't be afraid to be who we are, we shouldn't aim for consistency because we are fluid and in flux. But, Emerson, you are definitely an NF, and that is alright, but what about the rest of the world? Kiersey is right once again - not all of us want self-actualization. Even I didn't want it in the beginning. Some of us want material success, possession of things, some of us want knowledge, some of us want security.
I want to DO good and BE good and find myself. And only Ian Martin understands, because he himself is an NF but a functional one, even if his marriage failed. He gets duas from me each day. It's in my heartbeats and my bloodstream, the thanks I give to all of my teachers and to everyone who has ever been kind to me and let me be myself. Aleisha, for example. Sarah, for example. They just accept me a little. No fucking Pygmalion Projects going on there.
I can't have children because I won't be able to resist twisting their little souls, first with my depression and second with other things, the desire to make them 'perfect'.
Kiersey says that NFs are choleric, which I get. But is it possible to be melancholic as well, or have I just taken that in from Mummy? I think that's about right. She's definitely a Guardian. So is my father. God, how much I hate them for bringing me into this world. They had it wrong. Bringing kids into the world, in the state it is now, is one heck of a selfish thing to do.
People are mundane, fallible. I like angels. They are infallible, for the most part.
I am seriously considering just going to Pakistan in April while my dad goes to Dar-e-salaam. I don't think, well today at least, I want to come back here. To emptiness, to isolation, to efficiency, to whatever else there is here. There are many good things here, but I feel soulless without my mother. Her place is here. She should be here. She isn't. I miss her, the her I knew when I was 6. Even though my dad scared the shit out of me, even then.
Is there going to be a way out or am I just going to continue in this vein of stupidity? Look, forget the universe and all that crap. I am nothing. And I have some really crap people whose numbers and email addresses I haven't lost. I mean, why the hell did I decide to make 'friends' with certain people? What a load of croc.