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Coz I've had about enough...

Listening to 'All Rise' (Blue). Couldn't think of a better heading. Going back on Facebook was a mistake. Wait a minute. I just deactivated it again. That's three times in a year. It's just too fucking depressing, mate. Too depressing. Just me. Being a loser. I even poked Zuby and messaged Hareem. And Elaine. I mean, come on!

Keeping on thinking and writing along those lines. I had a wonderful story in my head yesterday. And then forgot it. Fuck.

She has completely denied any molestation took place. So either she is lying or the other woman is. I hope to God the other woman is lying. Seeing as she has become an expert. It would be too much emotional drama for me if it were my mum lying. But who's to say. Memory is a tricky thing. Who was the goddess of memory? Mnemosyne. I forgot where I came across it though.

I really and truly have been murdered. Everything has a toxicity to it; I always have a distaste in my mouth. 'I'm about to explode...yeahhhhh'. According to Brian McFadden, that is.

I am never going to find any rest. Does He even know how sad a prank this is? To give me such a shit temperament and personality and enneagram? And then, parents who don't give a crap. And it's just - nobody understands me at all.

I wish I could become a singer or a film maker or actor. Just to show Him and them and everyone. Just to show them all. What? Do you care? Why do you care? You spent so many years not caring - so why the fuck are you worried now? Just cut them all out. CUT THEM OUT.

If you envy them, so be it. Poison yourself completely. You can't even fucking write when the fucking story was in your head the whole day yesterday. Everything is average nowadays. It's all so mundane and stupid.

I can not believe that I was feeling nostalgic about my childhood and Karachi. It sucked. Life sucks and will continue to do so. And now my dad is not going to Africa because I refuse to go. For Christ's sake. I don't want to go. No good can come from it.

Can you really appreciate life after this? I know I was arrogant and never knew what being depressed meant. And now I do. Vividly. Until I get better and forget again. God knows. How does this help our evolution? Stupid Darwinians. What fucking evolution? If we had evolved at all, we would make it so we wouldn't need to eliminate. We are using less of our brains; or more of brains that are of inferior quality.

I really have nothing to look forward to, not even suicide. Why the hell did Nida, Zenia and the 18 year old and the 22 year old die? Why not me in their place? Fuck it. Taken me instead of Zenia.

Or instead of Hussain. Why give me a brother only to take him away? I don't even dream of him. At all.

There are probably no INFP countries in the world. Only Heaven could be good for an INFP.

I am so full of self disgust. I hope I DIE. Fucking twat. Bitch. Loser.

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