Isle of Skye

That's how I feel these days. No other word describes it. Diffused. Who am I? Yes, yes, I know: I am. Any other label limits the self. Nonetheless. Am I a sinner? Am I still a submitter to Allah? Do I still trust in Him? Am I lover? Am I a hater? Am I going somewhere, or waffling about nowhere? Am I deluded? Am I protected? Will I find love? Will I love again? Will I ever love myself unconditionally? Do I make sense? Do I have the courage that's needed to continue, step after step? Doing the Wimbledon route again this weekend showed me: I really do want affluence. I was observing people coming back from their holidays, or from cycling, or shopping at the exclusive shops I only go in to look at what I can't afford to buy, driving their swanky cars and living in their lovely houses. I tried acceptance. I did. Didn't work so much today. Felt small. Felt out of place, an intruder. And then, when I was taking a break in the mall, the guy sittin...

That is how much of my energy is solely mine: inside of me, in my aura, in my energy field. Just freaking eight per cent. That means 92 per cent is my parents, my religious upbringing, school and everyone else's. Sigh. Other people raised their vibrations to 40 and 50 per cent after doing the releasing exercises. Pas moi. I went to an introductory evening for Art Giser's Energetic NLP work last Thursday (that where we did all the kooky, visualisation stuff - I'll post it on my O Healer blog soon). It was fruitful. I felt that I had finally stepped into the world I was born to be part of, into the way of living that is attuned to mine: that I had finally "arrived". I was where I belonged. I made sense. I was on the right path. Finally. It was a full moon night as well, which I love! I couldn't have planned it better, to be honest. Lots of stuff happened, I learnt quite a bit: some of which I don't think I should have learned - only because it i...

I feel I have finally, finally forgiven you. You will always be remembered, blue-font boy. Although, having said that, most of my memories are actually fading away. I do love you, just in a different way from the Eros-inspired love I felt for you a few months ago. Is this what they call universal love? Unconditional love? Who knows... I still regret that we may never speak again. But... it is as it is. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you find it within to give and receive unconditional love. May you finally forgive me, too.

Your Type Four EnneaThought for February 16th— A major feature of your personality is that you become easily infatuated with others, having relationships mainly in your imagination. Notice this tendency in yourself today. (Personality Types, 151) It was only just a dream... wakey wakey, sunshine! You have you whole life in front of you... free yourself from your self-imposed shackles. You were trying to tie yourself up in convention and matrimony. It's not for you at the moment. Do what needs to be done. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.   Anais Nin And yet... "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." ~ Michel de Montagne Except he was never all of the man I imagined him to be, and not only was I not all how he imagined me to be, but I was not the girl I imagined myself to be. The Soul Mate People think a soul...

This week's Angel Card: Pay Attention: Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance, as this can yield valuable information. Heal Over It isn't very difficult to see why You are the way you are Doesn't take a genius to realise That sometimes life is hard It's gonna take time But you'll just have to wait You're gonna be fine But in the meantime Come over here lady Let me wipe your tears away Come a little nearer baby Coz you'll heal over Heal over Heal over someday And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself That these feelings are in the past You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf Because pain's built to last Everybody sails alone But we can travel side by side Even if you fail You know that no one really minds Come over here lady Let me wipe your tears away Come a little nearer baby Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday Don't hold on but don't let go I know it's so ...

Only my tear-soaked pillow is witness to my pleading, begging and wailing for Your mercy, help, guidance and abundance. I trust You will answer in due course. I have no other choice. ~~~ She was right: when you're alone, crying in the dark of the night, there's just you and no-one else. No effing one. ~~~ But, funnily enough, yesterday I finally found some Rumi-inspired comfort in that shattering solitude. It forces you to bleat "Allah" and "Help me" again and again, and communicate solely with Him. No one else is there to depend on, you don't look to His servants to unravel only what He can. You know that if any help is to come, it's only by His Grace and Might. And if it is withheld, that too is a result of His Knowlege and Mercy. Honestly, if I hadn't bought that cute Alan Titchmarsh bucket radio at the Bits and Bobs shop last Saturday, I really don't know how I would have survived last night. Radio DJs are idiots and say the daft...

Random fridge magnet saying I found just now: It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life. And so, I'm looking for more fridge magnet sayings to put up on Facebook at some point. Spread some online joy. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. I'm not completely useless: I can be used as a bad example. Dear Math: I'm tired of looking for your X - please move on. If you can't get rid of the skeletons in your closet, you'd best teach them to dance. I often quote myself, it adds spice to the conversation. Everyone seems normal.. . until you get to know them.  Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Divorce: from the latin word, meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Lost in thought... it is unfamiliar territory, please send search party. Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel. Marriage means commitment. Of course, ...