Isle of Skye

counsellor. librarian.writer. wake up.

It just seems I’m stuck. Wherever I am, I am stuck.  Why am I attracting this lack of love?  Alhamdulillah, my mental health is a bit better today, but then the switching takes place.  And I obsess over dirt and najasat and nobody can tell me what’s wrong or how to get out of it.  Or that everyone is so inherently evil that no matter how much we try we’re never getting close to Allah.  Or I binge eat.  Or I just close my eyes to reality.  And people are now condemning me for taking an arts degree because it doesn’t make me skilled for any work whatsoever.  You haven’t travelled my life journey so you can’t know that the confidence I have now I should have had when I was 19. You probably had it at 19. I didn’t. I wasn’t good at accounting. So I couldn’t go into business. And my values are different now.  But I still need to marry and I still need to work. And I constantly want to go back to London but the reality is that I ca...

It's been a hard three weeks since my amr bil maroof and nahy anil munkar and realization of sin. and i did it again yday and then i told You please i can't take it anymore. i don't want to have her voice in my head. thinking she is right and i am wrong. we aren't, either of us. I'll say it: if only i had had just had enough backbone and not gone.

ya allah help me. i am overwhelmed and it's not happy ever after and i don't know where to turn.

Oh lord, i complain to you today for the loneliness that i feel inspite of having both parents alive, both aunts and uncle alive and having imam mehdi here. i complain to you of the lack of love within my heart and for the scarcity of good friends whom i can get along with and who are also mohib e ali and momin. i complain to you of a nafs which always commands to evil and i follow and i complain of shaytan who has me feeling isolated from your help. i complain to you of me being who i am - not as i would like not as you like. i thank you for where i am because things could be worse. help me.

there is none more unfortunate than myself Making it Public Informing others of one’s sins and relating about them to other people is a greater sin. Also announcing a sin is an insult to Allah (S.w.T.)’s command. The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, “One who performs a good deed and keeps it a secret will be rewarded seventy times (than if he has announced it). And one who commits a sin and makes it public (due to shamelessness or ignorance of religious law) will be disgraced by Allah. (That is, he will not get the Tawfīq of repentance and he will remain deprived of Allah’s kindness and Mercy) but if he keeps it secret (due to shame) he will be forgiven.” (al-Kāfi Vol. 1, page 428)

I made a mistake yesterday and my mind is going over and over it. It was a mistake, NOT a sin. my reasoning was that we had enough food and fruit. it later came to be that it was not adequate.so now i am writing down the quotes that i need to remember.i have a long way to go. "This book's main purpose is not to add new information or beliefs to your mind or to try to convince you of anything, but to bring about a shift in consciousness, that is to say, to awaken" - Page 6 "Only by awakening can you know the true meaning of that word" - Page 7 "An essential part of the awakening is the recognition of the unawakened you, the ego as it thinks, speaks, and acts, as well as the recognition of the collectively conditioned mental processes that perpetuate the unawakened state" - Page 7 "...unless you know the basic mechanisms behind the workings of the ego, you won't recognize it, and it will trick you into identifying with it again and again" ...